Carrie T.
Cancer Update
Dec 13, 2012
It's been a while since I've updated. I figured I'd let everyone know what's going on and where I am in my process today. Sorry it's so long.
November 14, 2012
There are a few things I'm going to address today.
The first being my weight.
Because my energy level is kaput, I'm unable to exercise and my body isn't metabolizing food like it used to. I've gained back up to 404. I was SO disappointed when I stepped on the scale, but I was assured by a nurse, a doctor, and a student doctor that it's normal and that I shouldn't worry about my weight right now.
The second being my appointment with Dr. Vigg.
A new doctor has come to our clinic so Dr. Vigg's office is all turned around. Instead of being called into the right door in the waiting room and going into those examining rooms, they call their patients into the left door.
He still has his regular nurse Mechandy, but she mostly does phone calls and scheduling now, but my new nurse is so nice. She apparently hadn't read my record because she didn't know that I'd had my thyroid removed at all! She knew nothing about it. I had to explain it all to her.
When Dr. Vigg came in, he had a student doctor shadowing him. The doctor's name is Nathaniel Slater. He was so cute and TALL!! Dr. Vigg left and let Dr. Slater go over my chart with me. He was so thorough. I loved it!
When Dr. Vigg came back in, we talked about my surgery. Dr. Vigg didn't know that I had cancer. He was concerned because my calcium is only 7 points when it's supposed to be 8.6 - 10.2. Dr. Vigg wanted to boost my calcium to 3000mg, but my endocrinologist Dr. Drake told me not to when I talked to him today.
The third thing being my uncle.
This has been bothering me, so I'm gonna just put it out there.
The day I went in to have surgery, the hospital asked if I wanted someone to come in and have a prayer with me. I told them I did, and actually requested my uncle, who is a pastor. He was my pastor from the time I was 13, until I finally stopped going to church a few years ago. Unfortunately, he wasn't available because he was on vacation, but that was understandable.
He came back from vacation during the next week while I was hospitalized. He neither called, nor came to visit. Everyone else on that side of the family has called to check on me from then until now. One of my uncle's (his brother) was actually on vacation at Disney World, yet he managed to call to check on me every other day!
It has been 3 weeks since my surgery, and I was released from the hospital 2 weeks ago. I still haven't heard from him or his wife, or his son for that matter (with whom I grew up with, and he's also a pastor). No note, call, visit, or get well card.
And people wonder why I stopped going to church.
November 21, 2012
I feel like I've severely neglected this blog. It wasn't an intentional thing, or like I was running around doing all kinds of wonderful things. It's quite the contrary.
I have really good days, days where I feel almost completely normal. That is, if I can ignore the tingling I get in my legs, or the moments where my brain feels fuzzy and I can't think of simple words, or the "buzz" I feel in my body because of my low calcium levels.
Then I have bad days. I hate those days. Sometimes I'll wake up sick, hurt and ache all day, then go to bed sick. Sometimes I'll wake up feeling pretty good, then suddenly and without any warning, I'll get really sick and need to get in bed.
Simple tasks have become giant mountains that I'm expected to climb with no gear. Taking a shower wears me out. Before I can even dry off completely, I have to sit and rest for a moment.
The other day, a friend came over to help my son with his senior project. I started feeling funny, so I got up to get something to eat and some juice. I felt kinda like my sugar was dropping and figured the juice would help. Before I could sit back down, my dad noticed the color had drained from my face. He said something, which alerted everyone in the room as to what happened. My mom kept telling me to drink the juice, but I felt like I was going to vomit. It scared my friend so much, poor thing. I eventually had to go to bed and just leave everyone in the living room. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to my friend. I went to bed and my son came to check on me at some point. The next thing I knew, it was 4AM!!
I've been trying to avoid going out places because I don't want to get there and then have an "episode" of My Body Hates Me. I'll be so happy when I can feel like myself (or close to it) again.
I have an appointment to see Dr. Petruzziello. I have no idea about the appointment until I got the call reminder about it. I was like, "Well, damn. I had plans for Wednesday!" I don't even know why I'm going to see Petruzziello, to be honest!
Now on to the other news (and I hope he doesn't know about this blog and/or read it)...
I talk to my ex-husband Mike almost every day. We have an amazing friendship, one that we never had when we were actually married. I have a respect for him, I value his opinion, and cherish his advice. I can honestly say that I love him. I really do. Am I "in love" with him? No. I don't feel that right now. I'm not saying that it can't blossom into that, but I can say that I think I want it to.
I catch myself flirting with him a lot. Then today, he said something so nice. I just wanted to reach through the phone and hug him so tightly! I told him that there was a girl on YouTube who has been sending me insults and bullying me in the comment section of my Shit Tokio Hotel Fans Say video. Her first comment was a simple "Pathetic". I responded with, "Yes, you are."
It took 3 weeks for her to retaliate, but she came back with (and this is the exact comment, complete with punctuation), "sorry but They have serious problems!!it seems from this video!" To which I replied with: "I'm not sorry, but you have a serious problem for needing to comment twice on a video in which you seem to make yourself look more desperate and idiotic with every comment. Move on with your life. Find a hobby or something with which to bide your time. Thanks!"
It took only 2 weeks for her to reply with the hard-hitting line: "Go to eat some sandwiches!" I'm guessing most of that 2 weeks was spent trying to learn to spell 'sandwiches'. I came back at her with my final statement before I block her:
"Haha! I would, but unfortunately, I'm on a special diet while I'm undergoing radiation treatments. Wow, you're making fun of and trying to bully a cancer patient!! How badass does that make you feel? Do you feel super special for coming up with that feeble attempt at an insult? I mean, damn, out of everything you could possibly make fun of, you're dumb enough to just go for my weight? And in such a boring, mundane manner? Hahaha!!"
When I finished telling him the story, he asked, "Where is she from?" I told him I didn't know and asked why he wanted to know. He replied with, "I wanted to know where I was going." I laughed and asked if he was going to congratulate her and he said, "No, I'm gonna go kick her ass!!"
That makes me feel... protected. I didn't realize that I needed to feel that in my life. I'm not going to push things with him. I'm just kind of playing off his reactions. I'll throw something out there like a flirty text or a playful sex advance, but I make it light to gauge how he reacts. I'm leaving it up to him as to what happens between us. I called the shots in our first relationship. Now he gets to be at the reigns. I'll follow his lead.
November 25, 2012
I went to see Dr. Petruzziello on Wednesday. He said that my calcium is STILL low so I may have to have shots in order to get my calcium to a good level. I mentioned my singing voice to him and he said, "Remember, it hasn't been too long since you had your surgery. If you damaged your leg, it would take months of physical therapy to be able to walk again, and even then you may still have a limp. We were working closely with your vocal chords. They weren't damaged, but they were affected. Train every day and you'll get your singing voice back, but remember that you may never get your full range back."
That makes sense, but it's like a cruel joke. I love to sing. I listen to music all the time and sing along with the harmonies and melodies. I sing in the kitchen, in my car, out in public, in the shower... I LOVE to sing. Songs that I used to sing with ease now require a great deal of effort, and even then my voice sounds like a boy going through puberty. The only good part about my visit with Dr. Petruzziello is that I don't have to see him again for another 6 months! :D
Mary came over Wednesday night and brought over my early birthday present. Since my birthday will fall on a day in which I'll be traveling, sick, and having to have a shot, she wanted to give me my present while I could still smile and enjoy it. She got me so much stuff!
That's a purse, a bunch of Hello Kitty stuff, her mom crocheted 2 angles in the colors of the thyroid cancer ribbon. The frog was giving to me by them while I was in the hospital, and I put their new picture in the frog's lap. :)
Mary and I had a long talk. She told me things that she has never told anyone else. We cried together and I opened up to her about a lot of things. I feel like I understand her more now.
Thanksgiving was a good day. It was mom, dad, Josh, Anna-Claire, me, Mike, Bo, Kait, Dustin, and Caroline. Bo was sick and kept coughing his germs on me! There were no arguments and no one cried. Hopefully we can be that way at Christmas also!
I'm still unsure over what's really happening between Mike and me. I love him, but I'm not "in love" with him. I want it to go slowly, IF it's heading in the direction of intimacy. I love it when he flirts with me. I smile when he can make me blush over the phone. I dunno... maybe I'm just reading into things that really aren't there. Who'd want the fatty anyway?
November 27, 2012
This low-iodine diet sucks. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.
I'm sick of eating fruit. I feel like if I eat another apple, orange, or banana, I'm going to hurl.
Almond milk tastes similar to breast milk. Don't ask me how I know this.
The entire time I'm cooking egg whites, I'm thinking about jizz because that's exactly what they look like! I guess, technically, that's really what they are.
I feel tired all the time. My body aches, especially my neck, shoulders, and back.
Yesterday, I got VERY sick. I hadn't been feeling well all day, then suddenly I got very sick and was in an immense amount of pain. I had to go to the bathroom to be sick 3 times, then I felt better. I'm not sure if I got sick from drinking the almond milk, or if I was sick because I'd had shrimp fried rice Saturday night and it wasn't cooked properly.
At any rate, I'm craving seafood like a bitch on fire! December 15th is when I can eat normally again, but I'll still be radioactive until the 19th. I'm hoping that Mike had some time off work so he can come stay and we can go to our favorite sushi restaurant and pig out! :D
Mike suggested that we buy gifts for one another this year. He said our spending limit is $5, and we have to get the other a gift that means something. Like, if he sees a sticker in a machine outside Walmart that reminds him of me or that he thinks I'd like, he'll get it. It has to be about the thought. I came up with the first part of his present pretty easily. I'm not gonna mention it here because there's a chance that he could actually be reading this and I don't want him to know what it is. Anyway, the first part didn't cost $5 so I wanted to get him something else. The idea for his second gift hit me and thankfully I was able to find it so I could still be under my $5 limit! XD
November 30, 2012
Like most things in my life, I don't know when to leave well enough alone.
I think that people understand my brand of humor and I get comfortable enough to really open my mouth and say things some people, then they stop speaking to me for days or they just stop speaking to me at all.
I think I became a little too comfortable around Mike, so I've said some things that may have pushed the line. I don't know if I've made him uncomfortable or... shit, I dunno.
It's rare that I trust someone enough to allow them to see ALL of me. When I do open up, it's like I'm a little kid with a piece handmade macaroni-noodle art. I open myself up as proudly as that kid holds out the macaroni art, with a big excited grin on my face, just knowing that the person will smile proudly and be overly appreciative that I've just trusted them enough with my soul, so they'll want to put it on their fridge for everyone to see.
The reality is that while I'm standing there with the excited grin, dancing anxiously for the approval, the person takes a look at my "art" and becomes offended or appalled or uncomfortable, and they scream in horror as they back away and shield their eyes. I'm left standing there alone, my grin turned to a quivering lower lip, my eyes glazed over in tears. The "art" now hidden behind my back from the shame I now feel, tucked away forever because it wasn't good enough, I'm not good enough.
So I guess I'll just wait for the calls to dwindle down to a halt, while I go back to putting up a façade.
December 14, 2012
Things seem to be inching by for me. I'm still on the low-iodine diet which isn't as bad as I thought it would be, especially considering that my mom is making sure to cook meals that I'm able to eat. I pretty much stay full. It just sucks that I can't have things that I'd normally eat, like cheese and milk. I'm craving a nice tall glass of milk and have been for 3 days now! I only have 10 days left on this diet!
My sister will be going in hospital to have her gastric bypass (RNY) on Friday. When she and I first decided to go through with this, I knew she'd have her surgery first. I thought that I'd be really jealous of her, but I'm not. I'm concerned and excited, but not jealous. I want to be there to support her and watch how she loses her weight to see first hand what it's like. I think once people start complimenting her all the time about her weight loss is when I'll start to feel the jealous because I'll then be the fattest person in the family, which makes me feel like a failure and a loser.
I'm also very discouraged right now. I know that having cancer is a big deal and I am definitely concerned about my health, so being upset over what I'm about to say will seem kind of ridiculous. It kills me that I can't sing. I can't still carry a tune, but my range is so fucked. I've worked my way up from not even being able to hit my mid-range notes, to my highest point being 3 notes above my mid-range note. I practice a little every day.
It's the strangest sensation when I try to his these notes and can't. It doesn't feel like the normal "I'm singing too high for my range" feeling I used to get in my throat. I can't even describe how it feels. It's painful and it feels like 2 places in my throat are going to split! It's annoying because I can't even raise my voice to show excitement anymore, and I hope no one attacked me because I can't scream at ALL!
To give you an idea on how crapped out my voice is, I used to sing this song with ease (yes, it's a gospel song) when Mike and I were married (we used to sing duets for churches). Just listen to the chorus and keep in mind that I can't hit the notes of the words I've bolded below, and the italicized & striked out words are ones that I'm straining to sing:
Click here to have a listen: SONGY SONG
I need you more today
Than I did yesterday
Mountains are higher
Rivers are wider-er-er
I need you more today
Than I did yesterday
Help me remember
I need you more today
That makes me really sad. :( Singing may not be a big deal to you guys, but music is so dear to me and I sing every day, so not having a proper voice kills my spirit. :(
December 5, 2012
My endocrinologist (not his nurse... he personally called) to ask me how I'm feeling and to talk to me about what we'll be doing next week. He said that my calcium levels are still low and he fears they've dropped since I started the low-iodine diet, especially considering my extremities are numb all the time and cramp often. He prescribed another medication for me to take, and Josh is on his way to pick it up right now. I hope this new med will stop the "buzz" feeling in my body and stop my extremities from going numb and cramping. We fear that my parathyroid are shot. I hope that's not the case, but Dr. Drake seems to fear that they're dead.
December 10, 2012 (My birthday)
My sister had her weight loss surgery the following Friday, so my mom has been staying at her house to take care of her. My dad went with me to have my first shot of Thyrogen, just in case the Thyrogen made me sick.
We had to be in Greenville at 9:30. Greenville is about an hour and 10 minutes from where we live. We got there (Brody School of Medicine) and headed in.
I had to have some blood work done to check my TSH and Calcium levels. My calcium is getting back on track. My TSH level was 14.5 and it's supposed to be between .5 and 4.5!! He has increased my Synthroid to 250mcg.
His nurse came in and gave me a shot of the Thyrogen, and sent me on my way. I drove all that way just to spend less than 15 minutes there! But it was nice because all the nurses, doctors, and receptionists wished me a happy birthday!! :D
The Thyrogen gave me an upset stomach so I was in pain and spent the rest of the day in the bathroom, but at least I wasn't vomiting or anything!
December 11, 2012
I had to be back in Greenville at 9:30 for another Thyrogen shot. Since I didn't get too sick on Monday, I was able to drive by myself. I got there and had a short wait so I took a picture of the waiting room.
I got my second shot and headed back home to spend an hour or so in the bathroom before I had to go meet my new psychiatrist.
I got to her office and took a picture of their waiting room.
Her name is Brenda. I went into her office and we talked about my history. She didn't even want to get the notes from my old psychiatrist because she wants to get to know me and learn my history herself. She informed me that I'm not supposed to be on TWO of the meds that my old psychiatrist has me on! Since I have so much going on with cancer and such, she wants me to just continue with my meds until I go back to see her, then she can wean me off the ones I don't need.
I also got an appointment with my new therapist. Her name is Lindsay. I'll meet her in January, and will see Brenda again the week after I meet with Lindsay. I really like the place so far.
December 12, 2012
I had to go to the hospital for my RAI treatment.
My appointment was at 9, and my mom and I got there a little before my appointment. Thankfully they have valet parking because it was cold and rainy. We headed to the radiology department and I was immediately called back.
The tech said that I would have to wait until noon before I could get my dose of radiation. We had to just wait in the waiting room for three hours!
We met a lot of families, but the ones that really stood out to me was a 16 year old kid and his parents. He was having his last round of chemo. He didn't have any hair and I could tell he was self-conscious about it, but he was very handsome and I thought he looked great! They called him back and he had to go back there alone. It would take 2 hours for his treatment, but his parents waited right there! When he came back out, we said our good-byes and it made me thankful that my parents would do the same for me.
They finally called me back and we had to sit in a small room for a while to wait for the specialist to come in to talk to us. Her name was Jesse and she was so nice! We talked about all the precautions I have to take while I'm radioactive so I don't infect my family. We also talked about her new puppy (a Boxer named Dakota) and how she would be graduating from puppy kindergarten later in the day.
She went to get my RAI treatment. I took it quickly and then she walked us back out to valet. Thankfully we got to wait in a little heated room right next to valet while they went to get my car. It took her 25 minutes to walk out to my car, then drive it back up to valet!!! That's how huge the hospital and its parking lot is!
When I got back home, my dad took my mom back to my sister's house and he has been taking care of me. I feel fine so I'm thankful that I'm not sick or anything. I have to go back to the hospital on Monday at 8 to have a full body ablation to make sure we got all the cancer. Keep your fingers crossed.
