Carrie T.
optifast: day 4
Mar 10, 2013
Day 1 was bad.
Day 2 was worse than the first. I was hungrier and couldn't stop thinking about cheese pizza. I don't even like pizza! I would have an hour and a half before I could eat again and I would get so hungry that my stomach would growl and hurt. I drank water constantly, which meant I peed every 1.5 - 2 hours, but it didn't help the hunger.
It was really the first time I questioned why I'm doing this.
Day 3 sucked. I was angry and ill all day. My mom doesn't trust me at all. I know she means well, but she’s gonna drive me crazy!
She’s constantly suspicious of me. She has locked up all the food with a chain, but during the day, she keeps the chain off because she’s up and around. On day 3, to keep my mind off eating, I got up and did some things around my room. I got up all my laundry and took it to the laundry room, and cleaned out the litter box while I was in there. I took the bag off poop outside to the garbage. She had been in her bedroom putting the sheets on her bed so she had no clue what I was doing. When I walked back in the house, she was standing at her bedroom door and was like, “What are you doing?!” I was like, "Putting the poop in the garbage." She had to walk out there and look! WTF?
My surgeon said I could flavor my water with Crystal Light, or drink coffee or tea with Splenda or Truvia. She said she wants me to drink less Crystal Light (I have 4 a day IF I drink 2 of my 30 oz. cups of water). Usually I’ll drink plain water, or have a coffee so I don’t drink as many of the Crystal Light. My mom said she wants me to stop drinking so much Crystal Light.
Day 4, I got up late. I usually have my synthetic thyroid pills at 9am and I can’t eat anything for at least an hour so I go back to sleep. I usually wake up between 10:30 and 11 and have my first shake. Today, I got up at 1pm. I have to have 5 shakes a day in order to have the proper amount of protein. I got 2 shakes from the fridge and my mom was fussing saying how I shouldn’t have 2 at once and I need to space them out. Why does it matter to her HOW I drink them, as long as I’m drinking them and staying on my plan? What if I wanted to wake up at 4pm and drink all five shakes at once? It would be MY decision and I’D be the one suffering with hunger later, not her!
I keep thinking, "Is it worth it?" I know I'll eventually be able to eat real food again, but I wonder if I could just do it on my own and not subject myself to surgery.
Then I'll have a moment of clarity, where I'm reminded that I was thin for the first 17 years of my life, but have been fat for the past 19 years. I miss being thin and healthy and I want to live long enough to see Josh graduate college, get married, and make me a grandma! Plus, I'm tired of being alone and I know that I'll never find a man as long as I'm roughly the size of a hippo. Also, I'm sick of getting stares and rude comments EVERYWHERE I go. It's like I'm an oddity or a sideshow act. My ex-husband got a glimpse of how people treat me for the first time the other week and he was so angry and hurt that people treat me like that all the time. He now understands why I don't like to leave my house often.
I know there will come a time where I'll say I'm glad I did this, but right now? Yeah, I'm not feelin' it!
