Another update

Dec 31, 2012

I know. I'm a slacker at keeping this updated.

Monday, December 17th, 2012
My mom and I got up at the ass-crack of dawn and headed out the door to take the hour-long trek to Greenville. I didn't have to wait very long, but the waiting room was crowded. This was the only empty seat in the room:

A tech came in and got me. My mom couldn't go back there with me.

He led me to a room with a HUGE machine. I had to drink 5 oz. of water, then lay on a table. I had a pillow under my head and one under my knees. I had to lay perfectly still for 29 minutes.

29 minutes doesn't seem like a long time, but it seemed like it too FOREVER! Not even 5 minutes in, an eyelash dropped into my left eye so I just closed my eye for the rest of the time. A little while later, my nose started to itch! I was like, "Seriously, body?" Less than halfway through, my lower back started to hurt. Before it was over, I was in tears because it hurt so badly. The tech had to help me up because it hurt to move!

I had to sit there and drink another 5 oz. of water, then lay back down for another 15 minutes. Thankfully the tech put more cushion under my legs so my back didn't hurt so bad. After that, I was free to go.

I hadn't had anything to eat, so my mom and I stopped by Hardee's for breakfast. I was scared to eat because there's been a virus going around our town, and Josh had been throwing up all morning on Sunday. I'd been feeling sick so I thought I had the virus, but after I ate, I felt a little better.

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012
I got a call from Dr. Drake early in the morning. He told me that I had a little bit of uptake in my throat around where the surgery was performed, but that was normal. Other than that, there was no more signs of cancer!!

I'm cancer free!!

Friday, December 21st, 2012
The world didn't end. I didn't think it would, so I had no fear. As a matter of fact, my mom and I went to Rocky Mount and went to have lunch. I also got my hair cut. It's REALLY short. Like, the shortest I've EVER had it. So short that I can spike it up and look like (as my dad says) Guy Fieri from Diner, Dive-Ins and Drives!

People called me a lesbian before because I've always had short hair and have always hated dresses/skirts. Now I really look like a butch lesbian!

I hope that I'll be having a very happy Christmas this year! I have a lot to be thankful for. If only my stomach would join the the celebration and stop hurting so damn much!! haha!

Wednesday, December 26th, 2012

To those who celebrate it, I hope you had a great Christmas! Mine was pretty sweet.

- I gave my mom a blanket that my first best friend ever (Sarah) crochets for her.
- I gave my dad a Dallas Cowboys leather wallet.
- I gave Josh a silver ring and a pewter dragon keychain.
- I gave Mary 3 months premium membership at deviantArt and a lemon bundt cake.
- I gave Cindy (Mary's mom) a $10 gift card to Hobby Lobby.

I got:
- new wiper blades for my car from my parents.
- my haircut (below) from my parents.
- a gift certificate to my favorite restaurant from my parents.
- $30 gift card to Lane Bryant/Catherine's from my brother and his wife (totally unexpected!!).

For Christmas, my mom cooked turkey and ham, candied yams, broccoli and rice casserole, cheesy potatoes, green beans, stuffing, and a bunch of other items I can't even think of. She also made sausage balls, Rice Krispie treats, fudge, cupcakes, pumpkin pie and 2 lemon meringue pies. My brother brought over 2 bushels of oysters so for lunch (hours before our big dinner), we had steamed oysters on the grill with a cocktail/horseradish sauce.

My sister (Melody) didn't come because she just had her weight loss surgery on the 7th and she's still not ready to be out and about yet. Her daughter (Caroline, 24) came. My brother (Bo) and his wife (Kim) were here. His daughter from his first marriage (Kaitlyn, 18) came with her new boyfriend (Jimmy, 19), and soon after my brother's first wife (Penny) came. Of course my mom, dad, Josh and I were here.

It was a really great day. :D

Thursday, December 27th, 2012

With Medicare and Medicaid, they'll send a "not bill" just to let you know how much the hospital, clinic, doctor or specialist charged for services rendered. Here are a few of the totals:

For 3 tubes of blood and the tests they ran on them:

This is for my surgery and hospital stay:

And this is how much it cost for ONE pill and for the specialist to come in and tell me all the precautions that 3 other doctors had already told me:

Incidentally, every time I see "THIS IS NOT A BILL" at the top of these statements, I always have to say, "It's not a Tom, Gustav or Georg either." :) Sorry, it's a German joke. :)

Monday, December 31st, 2012
This will be the last post I make in 2012. I started my weight loss journey last year around this time. I hate to say that because of the cancer and my medications, I'm at the same weight I was before I started my journey. I'll be doing all of this all over again. I feel like I've failed in so many ways. I was hoping to have had my surgery and be losing weight by now. Instead, I get to sit back and watch as my sister drops the pounds and I'm still filling my face full of shit that I don't need.

I've been invited to a friend's house for New Year's Eve. I know that I'll probably have fun if I go, but I just can't get motivated to get up and shower, then get dressed in clothes that are quickly becoming too small for me and a bra that's 4 sizes too small that I fall out of, then drive the 30 minutes there in the cold, get an anxiety headache because they happen more and more frequently when I leave the house now, and drive the 30 minutes back home after midnight. I don't even want to think about the fact that my son will be at his girlfriend's and will be driving home well after midnight. I trust him driving, but I don't trust all the drunks who will be out on the road. I have a huge fear of losing my son. I know that if something ever happened to him, I'd have to commit suicide. I couldn't live without that boy.

My room is a mess. I have laundry to do and dishes piled up. It needs a good dusting and I don't even have sheets on the bed. I've spiraled into this huge web of depression. I'm still taking all my meds like normal, and I put up a HUGE front for everyone around me. I get sick of getting emails and comments talking about how brave I've been and what a great attitude I have over this whole cancer situation. "You're able to joke and laugh like nothing ever happened!" It's because if I don't laugh, I'll burst out crying.

This isn't what I want for my life. I don't want to be over 410 pounds. I don't want to have Bipolar or Insomnia or high blood pressure. I don't want to worry about my TSH or T4 levels, or my calcium intake. I don't want to be on medications for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to give up all the yummy foods that I love.

*sigh* Happy new year.

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