Sirene

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I am having one of those days where I just cant get the motivation to do anything!!

I did go to the gym this morning, but only did about 10miles on the bike....thats about 30 mins.

I hate my job today and the boss wants the budget for the last 2 years and I have been procrastinating on it all day. I havent even started on the numbers.

I will have to check the calendar....is it PMS time???

Did you ever have one of those days where you just wanted to crawl back into bed and start over tomorrow instead??

I think yesterday had something to do with it because I cant decide if it was a positive thing overall or not...

I finally went to a WLS support group. Everyone was VERY nice....I was so impressed with the level of honesty. People were very willing to share their experiences, good and bad. I heard some truly amazing stories! I took a lot of notes.

It was really hard for me to work up the courage to go. It had been in the back of my mind all morning and I kept finding excuses not to really confront the nagging thoughts rumbling around in there, Finally, I just said, ok Im going....and left.

I nearly talked myself out of it 3 or 4 times on the 45 min drive there too!

I arrived a bit late and found that it had already started. Really?? Something that actually started on time?? Wow!

Not only had it started, but everyone was sitting at tables, like a board meeting. I thought perhaps I was in the wrong place! I didnt want to get close enough to the door to hear what they were saying because then I would be standing close enough for everyone to see. I was there for maybe all of 2 minutes, which felt like about an hour, trying to decide if I should creep up to the door or just turn around and walk out. I was very nearly ready to leave when a wonderful woman came and rescued me from the hallway. A tiny little woman.....which automatically made me panic because obviously I was in the wrong place. Everybody in the room looked relative normal....no fat people in there. I did NOT want to go in...

But sure enough, she recognized me from my picture here....even as she was talking I was thinking...what?? this cant be right....I must be in the wrong place. It felt like a dream where you cant make your body move fast enough to escape impending doom. So she went in and grabbed a seat right on the edge of the table so I wouldnt have to walk through the room, and I sat and listened.....fully figuring I was going to hear about last year's budget on the rec hall we were in and how the community centre needs a new garden or something....but no...they were talking about clothing exchanges and the hospital was looking for men's clothes, etc,

I looked around and everyone just looked so normal! I know that sounds weird and possibly offensive, but I guess I had expected maybe to find a few more people "like me"?? I still felt rather uncomfortable and this realization did not help...

We ended up going around the room to make introductions and I was impressed at the facilitator's structured approach. Very time and energy efficient which I like. Then it doesnt become a free-for-all!

Sure enough, a room full of post-ops and I was the ONLY pre-op. Yay! Another reason to stand out from the crowd!!

I heard some more stories about pastics and the intolerance that some people have to face...very rude!! Some people are horrible!

On the whole, I think maybe it was a great day. It was certainly a huge ordeal for me but I think it was good. The people were soo unbelievably nice and supportive of each other and very positive towards each other's accomplishments. I think I gave off a very 'unwelcoming' vibe and I ran out of there as fast as I could when it was over.

So I dont know. I have mixed feelings about it....but more about my own issues I guess than the group itself.

Again, I dont know.
Just a blah day I guess.

I lost 6.5 lbs this week!

*happy dance*

Someone brought an entire tray of freshly made baklava into the office today.

I would like to kill that person...
BUT...I didnt.

AND...I didnt have any!!!
yet.

I need a "re-start" button for this day :(

I woke up late - crappy thing #1 on my list of things that make for a bad start to the day. I hate rushing....and didn't get a proper breakfast either.... 2 slices of raisin bread. blah

I didn't get to the gym in time either....but I was wearing my workout clothes, so when I finally got to work I had to change in the bathroom.
I had my coffee in my hand and I put it down and SPLOOSH!!!!! It fell..coffee everywhere!!!
All over the floor and up the walls and EVERYWHERE!!!

AND....I lost my food tracker I got from Weight Watchers last night...
*sigh*

Why does the universe insist on continually testing me??? Haven't I passed already???

...oh...and I was up another 5 lbs....Fabulous.

I think I am going to take a walk to try to shake it off....there is a WW office not too far, maybe I can scrounge up a tear or two and they will take pity on me and give me a new tracker :(

Gah!! Is it the weekend yet???

I am going back to Weight Watchers today. 7:15pm  meeting!

Dr Dent said that it was a good idea to be following some sort of program while waiting for surgery so....WW it is. I tried doing it on my own but I just couldnt do it...I dont know if its the PCOS or what but I lost 40 lbs....which by the way took me nearly a year....and then just started gaining it all back. It was very frustrating to be paying each week to be told I was GAINING instead of losing, so I stopped going completely.

I tried upping my workout and getting a trainer at the gym....do you know what she told me??

I told her that my goal was general weight loss but also to run a 5k in May (this was February last year) and she said...

"Someone of your size shouldnt be running on the treadmill"

Ouch!

I must say, one of the most embarassing moments of my life!! It took everything i could do not to start crying right there. I know I should have got angry and stood up for myself but I didnt. I felt small and weak and like a complete idiot for wasting everyone's time thinking that *I* could do soemthing like that! It confirmed every belief that I had ever had that i didnt belong in the gym anyways because that's where "healthy" people were....it took weeks to work up the courage and psych myself up to ASK for help to begin with.....then BOOM...crashing down with a gigantic thud in mere seconds.

Most every morning is a battle to go in there and do my workout. I try not to look at anyone or make eye contact because its like I dont want anyone to see me. If I look directly at someone, then it would be facing the reality that they SEE me...and then I think about what they see. A fat chick trying to run on the treadmill with all the jiggly bits thundering about, sweating and likely on the verge of a heart attack...OMG shouldnt someone stop her?? Who does she think she is, trying to break the machines??? Security!!!

Yes, thats what goes on in my head...

So you can see....its a miracle on the days when I do manage to make it all the way to the treadmill to begin with.
I like the weight machines better actually. You can sort of hide inside them and they sort of block people's view of you. I feel so strong too when I can obviously see that I am chest pressing a heck of a lot more than anyone else, men included. Gives me a little boost that maybe I do belong there or have a right to workout as well as anyone...

Some days its more than I can handle though, and I give up right about at my locker. I open the door and see my shower stuff and think...I could just shower and go to work early instead....
and sometimes I do.
Sometimes my irrationality gets the better of me and I wimp out on the gym.....but MOST days I make it. But certainly, the trainer's comment did NOT help at all....

So back to WW I go....hoping to at least stave off the gain! I gained 25 lbs back from when I left WW in Feb last year. I continued going to the gym but even still....I guess I need to be more accountable and definitely more proactive with the food tracking/monitoring. I think maybe its portion size that has gotten out of control since I left....that...and maybe the snacking after supper.
I have GOT to stop that!!

I did groceries last night in anticipation. Lots of fruit and veggies and a whole box of chicken breasts!!!

Wish me luck!!

So someone said to me recently....maybe your weight is a shield and you are afraid to lose it...
at first I thought...Oh please!! Hello crazy-person??? Who doesnt want to lose weight????

I look at the before and after pics on this website religiously every day. Sometimes I look and think....wow is that really the same person??
(these 2 thoughts are connected, trust me....just stay with me)

And I begin to think about what it would be like to be "normal" sized like these people after having lived for so long without any point of reference for what that is exactly.....and I honestly can NOT picture it for myself. I think back to highschool when I weighed 178lbs in grade 10 or 11 and how HUGE I thought I was at the time. Even at that weight, I wasn't considered normal way back then 100 years ago. I remember wearing a size 10 dress to a formal dance and the boy I was dancing with (who was drunk btw) said to me, "Wow you are so fat!" I guess he had been dared to dance with me :( Needless to say, that stung a little.

So what would it be like to be normal??
What is normal?

The BMI scale says anything under 160lbs for my short little legs is considered normal. I dont ever remember being anything less than 178 which leads me to believe I have lived my entire adult life as "abnormal" (any Young Frankenstein fans?? Abby Normal??)

So anyways, this got me thinking about it and trying to picture it in my head and in all honesty, not only can I *not* picture it, but it actually makes me feel a little panicky! I read about a woman who had a near panic attack in the OR just seconds before going under for her RNY....I nearly cried! How frightening!

All this to say....obviously I have issues ;)
Good thing that my surgery date is still so far away and I have lots of time to wrap my head around it. Thank goodness for the enormous support to be found here before, during and after.

I have officially stooped to an all time low by wearing stretchy pants to work.

Ok.....they are kind of like leggings actually but still..... I feel like I am wearing sweatpants because they are so comfy!!
Sweatpants to work. Ugh!!!

But I did go to the gym this morning ..... that's something right??

and my shirt is very funky and cool....

*sigh*

So today is my first day back at work after being off for nearly 3 weeks. Let me just say that 5:30am is an ungodly hour to wake up!!

I met with Dr Dent today. He said not to expect to have surgery before the fall. That is what I expected really, but  I guess there was just a little part of me that was hoping he would say something different.

I gained 5lbs since November. If I could just stop gaining weight, I wouldn't be so worried....but if I keep gaining at this rate, I will be well over 300 by the time surgery comes!!

I will be going back to Weight watchers I guess this week. I am not looking for drastic losses because I am trying to be very realistic in my goals.

The reality is, that I just want to be healthy. My bloodwork is all perfect. On paper, I am very healthy with low cholesterol, great blood pressure, fabulous blood glucose levels. There is nothing to worry about. I dont have sleep apnea, I have no acid reflux. I eat only about 1500 calories a day and workout an average of 4 times a week. Other than PCOS, there is no reason for my weight gain!! This is the part I find so frustrating; by all standards, I should be an average size woman. The reality is NOT the case though!!

Blah.....I dont want to sound like I am complaining because I am very grateful for being on the waiting list for this surgery and I guess there must still be some lessons I have to learn along the way in order to be successful afterwards. Just feeling a little grounded in reality today, thats all.