Ambelina

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I don't know. This stuff just doesn't happen to me!  When I got my band, I promised myself a treat when I broke 250lbs.  I wanted a "facial".  Just always thought it'd be cool.  250 has always been my block - I'd make it a pound or two below and then bam!  I'm right back up higher than I started.

The band helped me get down to 250.  And I was so excited.  But by this point, I just had no faith I'd get below that.  It took awhile cuz I was sabotaging myself.  But I did it!!!

Did I treat myself to the facial?  No.  After a lot of soul-searching - I think for some reason I just felt like I didn't deserve it....  hmmm....

I saw a salon here in town that seemed like what I had in mind & decided to just walk in there & ask if they did facials, spa stuff.  The closest stylist called a different stylist over for my questions.  I asked & she started to tell me about their packages & such.  She asked if there was a special occasion.  What the heck.  I went ahead & told her.  She asked me to wait there, went to the back room, came around to the front of the counter, gave me a big hug & handed a gift certificate for a freaking facial!!!  I couldn't believe it!  She said how happy she was for me & that this one was on her.  I was so stunned.  Can't even describe it.  Wow.  Just... wow!

42 year old woman; morbidly obese; good cholesterol levels; no high BP; no diabetes; no family history of any of these problems.  Not a fast food junkie, but an excellent cook who does enjoy eating too much.  Sound familiar? 

She is in the hospital as I type recovering from a MASSIVE heart attack on Saturday night.  No warning signs, great bloodwork, and now she has two stints in one of her arteries because it was 90% blocked.

This is my coworker, my friend.  She has a husband and three children.  This could be you and it could be me.  I remember mentioning too her I was having a hard time getting motivated to walk into the gym I was paying for.  She said to go in with her.  She'd just started a few weeks earlier.

We all get a little relaxed now and then.  I love my band.  I'm so glad I did this.  But what has happened to "Jane" is still a huge wake-up call and motivator.  The doctor says I need more exercise?  Tonight I start more exercise.

I just cannot believe it takes a brick wall like this to push me into it.  Her husband and children have to be just terrified.  She was supposed to be released from the hospital yesterday but she was having more heart pain yesterday and her EKG wasn't what the doctor was hoping for - so she'll be staying another night.  She now hoping to go home tomorrow night. 

What the heck, let's do a road trip!  What was I thinking?  Actually, I preplanned so much I even sought advice from my surgeon. 

For some reason, I get car sick pretty easy since the surgery.  If eat and then get in the car for any length of time right after that?  I get nauseated & have a horrible time keeping from throwing up.  Went to SeaTac area a few weeks ago & did great on the way there (night time so no eating on the trip).  I stopped half-way home for a bite to eat; was proud of my food choice & quantity, but darned if I didn't projectile about 15 minutes after being back on the freeway.  I was so ticked!  Not to mention a mess!  (if anyone is ever reading this, sorry about the TMI).  Since I was on the road on my own, I called the hubby.  He got online & found the nearest bank of hotels so I could just check in, rest, and head home the next day.  No dice.  Every hotel was booked solid for a softball tournament.  Let's just say it was a long night/drive home, and then I had to clean out my car the next day.  Yucka Pucka!

So I was planning a road trip back to California where I (mostly) grew up to see some friends that were getting together.  The SeaTac trip made me really nervous about this.  My doc, being the brilliant guy that he is, suggested sticking with liquids for the driving days.  Dah! , why didn't I think of that?  This is why he makes the big bucks & he's so brilliant (yes, I'm in awe of the guy).  He also stressed that if I still felt ill, I'd need to stop immediately. 

Mom and I hit the road a few days later & we were prepared.  I had my whey protein powder (love my Unjury), lots of non-fat milk, and Mom packed lots of healthy snacks for the days we would not be driving. And it went great!  No sickness at all with the liquid diet in my tummy while on the road.  The trip was hilarious in how crazy it got, but tummy-wise?  I felt great.

So once we got to the town where I grew up, I spent some time with one of my best friends, met the love of her life who is just wonderful, and had dinner with them.  Wasted a lot of money at Chevy's as all I wanted was some chicken but they wouldn't allow me to order it as a side.  It was still good, but I could have bought a few birds for the price of the meal (I'm so scotch!), and then my friend insisted on paying.  I felt bad about that.  But we did take the leftovers home.  The next day I headed about 2 hrs back up North to the lake where our friends were getting together.  Got a call from DH who was on the other side of the US that his uncle's car broke down in the mountains & it was 104 degrees.  Uncle R pretty much raised DH and there's nothing he wouldn't do to help us if situations were reversed.  Took the next exit & started heading NE instead of NW.  Found  Uncle R and his girls about 1.5 hr later.  He insisted they direct me to the lake rather than take them home as he did not want me to miss out on seeing my friends.

So 3 hours late, I make it to the lake.  They're all down at the water, so I head over to the day use area.  As luck would have it, there were two paths leading down to two different day use areas.  I hit the "road less traveled", got down to the water, and zip-nada-nothing.  No one was there.  Headed back up the path to the parking lot (teenage nieces trailing behind me) figuring I'd just go back to the campground & wait.  Got back up to the top & thought the other trail looked inviting.  What the heck!  Headed down that trail (teenage nieces still not back up from the first trail, but I had a visual on them in the distance).  A few people were down at this spot, but none were with my group.  Crap!  Did I mention both of these trails were DOWN at the lake?  I already walked back up from one & was proud of myself for making it.  The second seemed a little more dubious.  Nieces still in a visual & still working on making their way up the first trail... Head back up the 2nd one myself.  As I was starting to wear down, I knew I could make it.  It was just not seeming like such a great idea.  Then up ahead I heard someone yelling my name.  One of my good friends found me.

Extra motivation!  Seeing her up there waiting for me was all it took!  She came down part way to walk back up with me.  I was so happy to see her & so damn proud of myself that I could even speak while walking back up for her!!!  We stood there waiting for the nieces to make it to the top so we could all head back to Uncle R at the car.

What a great night.  Some of these friends I had not seen in 15 years or so.  But they were all welcoming to my unplanned group invasion.  Insisted we stay for dinner (my best friend Lisa was there & knew about my surg - was pointing out what she knew I could eat), made sure Uncle R and the girls were sunscreened, mosquito sprayed, watered down, and well fed.  What an amazing group of people I grew up with.  I am so grateful and lucky to have them as my friends. 

Took Uncle R & the girls back to his house late that night, got back to my good friends house even later, and got up early the next morning to head back up North & home.  Mom had a great time seeing her friends, and I had a great time with mine.  I never had a problem with food because we had planned ahead so well.  I even made it passed the waffle iron at the Holiday Inn Express.  It was perfect!  But next time?

I'm flying!

Wow.  Yesterday started great.  I had a healthy breakfast, satisfying and healthy lunch, and even did well at taking my nephews out for dinner at a chinese food restaurant (just ate some of the chicken).  It was all downhill from there.  After dinner my 7yo and 10yo nephews and I went fireworks shopping.  They wanted ice-cream so we stopped at Dairy Queen.  They got their Cookie Dough Blizzard.  There were nice fresh cold bottles of water right by the register.  But I ordered a medium hot fudge sundae without even thinking about it.  After a thought I changed it to a small.  Another thought, and I asked the cashier what size blizzards they ordered & changed those to smalls as well. 

So we're at the table chatting about fireworks. And I'm just on autopilot shoving this calorie-laden slider food in my mouth & not even enjoying it.  Can't even tell you if it was any good.  A little over half way through it finally hit me what I was doing, so I got up & threw the rest away.   We continued sitting at the table & I was just so surpised at the size of their blizzards.  And that was a small????  I remember blizzards being at least a weekly thing for me this time last summer.  And I ordered mediums.  Sometimes it seemed they just weren't big enough & I'd order a large. 

Looking at the boys "small" blizzards, I just couldn't believe what I'd been putting in my mouth.  And I watched them doing the same thing mindlessly as I had.  One of the boys has a serious weight problem.  I don't want to be a nag, but I hate to see him going through this.  "Are you guys still actually hungry?"  After some thought, the older one pushed his back & said he was done.  So the younger one did as well.  You would think that would have been enough of a learning experience for me, right?

Not.  The 10yo's Momma stopped by later in the evening with his overnight supplies & brought snacks (little snack size chip bags and a big thing of Oreo's).  By some miracle, I evaded Oreo's the entire night.  After getting them off to bed I was picking up around the house.  The 7yo had pulled out a little bag of Fritos, so I went to toss the bag.  He'd opened it and forgot to eat them.  Did I throw it away?  Of course not.  I sat down and ate it.  I felt like such a failure last night as I went to bed. 

So first thing this morning I took all the treats my sister-in-law brought over last night, bagged them up, and put them in the trunk of my car.  I just don't want that type of food in the house. 

Someone just posted asking about hair loss.  I was so glad they did.  Other posters mentioned it could be due to the anesthesia 3 - 6 mos postop (& I'm 6 mos today).  And a few others mentioned it is likely coinciding with hormone changes as well.  This made sense for the Poster & for me.  I never know when my TOM is going to hit now  - or how long.  But I'm definitely suffering from hair loss.  I was wondering if it was due to not enough protein intake when my restriction was so high.  Could be a combination of all three?  I'll see my stylist & see if she can help.

Since my slight unfill, I still felt pretty good restriction.  I noticed last night that I could eat more than I have for awhile.  So I kept my portion under control.  I was still truly hungry after that so I waited a few hours & then had a salad.  Today for lunch I was actually able to eat a grilled cheese sandwich.  It was heavily toasted bread.  I only expected to be able to eat half.  It was still w/in my portion size, and after 20 min, I was still truly hungry.  So I ate the other half.  That's going to cut my available Nut portions for dinner tonight though.  I have some left over pinto beans that sound yummy!  I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing.  Also I'll need to watch closely for head hunger vs body hunger.  My TOM is due right now... and I do have increased hunger at those times.  So I'll need to keep it in check & have veggies etc available at a moments notice. 

My last fill was almost two weeks ago, and it was a tiny little fill.  I was able to do liquids & mushies no problem.  Somewhat able to advance to regular foods with chewing and taking a LOT of time to eat it.  But I'm concerned I'm not actually getting enough calories?  I started weighing what I've been eating & it's not meeting the serving size for a bandster.

Yesterday had a caffeine free/sugar free mocha (didn't finish & it was only a "tall");  A few bites of chicken for lunch, and could only get 1 & 3/4 bottles of water down (I usually get at least 4/day down) if I sipped them slowly. 

This morning it took about 2 hrs to get a protein drink down.   I'm able to sip my coffee.  Still working on yesterday's bottle of water.

Called my MD's office.  My nurse is checking with the doctor.  Said they may leave it up to me on if I want to stick it out with liquids over the holiday weekend or if I want to have a slight unfill.  I hate the thought of a slight unfill, but I'm having a stuck/full feeling for about 10 min after each sip of water or coffee.   Ultimately?  I don't want to screw up my band.

So this is why I am my own worst enemy: I'm so focused on WL, that the thought of even a tiny unfill makes me feel like a failure and I allow self-doubt on my decision to do this surgery.  Logically?  I've lost a ton of weight!  No, it's not as much as if I'd had the bypass, DS, or sleeve, but it is working.  And my brain knew going in that it would be slower than the others.  Reality check?  I've lost all this weight so far w/out really doing my fair share.  I'm not working out as I should be. 

Realistically?  Maybe this is my wake up call reminding me what we were all told in our info meeting about all the surgeries.  This is a TOOL.  I have have been relying on my tool all this time and not helping it that much.  I'm eating appropriately, but my tool is not going to work if I don't utilize it to the fullest.

So?  Rain or shine (likely rain since I live in the NW), I'll be going straight home from work, leashing up my dogs (okay, really only one as they're too much for two at a time), and going for a walk.  As I sit here typing on my computer,  I have a choice to smile & move forward, or pout and blame everyone but myself.  So I'm going to dance  , focus on the success, and go forward from here.

Last few days have been really rough for me.  I've thought about posting, but my head's running in circles.  With 3.5 cc's in my band last week, they had to take 3.3 hour a week ago Wednesday night after having a day of vomitting on Wednesday while on a road trip to work. 

So I've been letting my tummy heal; trying to stick with band-eating; and I've been miserable.  Beyond that, my 3 mos postop was yesterday.  My surgeon came in and let me know right away that I could not have a fill yet.  We tossed it around & he said I can start getting fills again next week. 

But we reviewed my weight loss.  Our RN that I've been seeing for the fills has been pretty happy about the weight lossof 1-2 lbs per week since I started getting fills, but my doctor seemed disappointed.  When he noticed his disappointment was affecting me, he told me not to get disappointed & I had to remember that I chose the band over the RNY bypass and I could not expect bypass weight loss.  It was just confusing. 

I see others on the board who have dropped 40-50lbs in the first three months!  Yikes!  Are you exercising way more than I have been (I've slowly built up to 30 to 40 minutes/day at 4 to 5 days/week)?  Am I doing alright on my weightloss?  I've been working hard on my foods, started tracking at dailyplate.com about 6 weeks ago after getting inspired at the a Washington support group I was able to make it too. 

I'm scared.  Scared I'll blow this.  Just scared!!!

So Monday and Tuesday at work were pretty hard.  It's just really intense there.  My whole team is walking on eggshells.  At some point our stressor is going to transfer, retire, or just temporarily relax until the she ramps up again.  It's sad.  She's really a nice person out of work, but in work?  Just so hard to work with sometimes.  We get glimpses of the real her where she's relaxed.  I really think she's unhappy & that's coming out in her work with us.  Anyhow, I digress...

So the first few days were a b*tch.  Tuesday I had a fill got another 1cc to bring it to 3.5 cc's, and then Wednesday had my roadtrip (can see my last entry on that) where I realized 1cc was too much for me for that particular fill.  Complete unfill that night at the hosp with my surgeons very cool cohort, and then on to Thursday, hmm... oh yeah, we received our annual reviews from our primary stressor.  Mine was alright by normal standards, but at almost 8 years at that company, I'd never received a "just alright" review before.  I was really upset (had actually received it Wed evening after my roadtrip & before the hosp... great day!!!) sleeping on that review and then getting up to go to work Thursday. 

So Thursday morning arrives.  I go in deciding I will not breakdown.  After going over the review point by point, I broke down each area she said I was lacking & developed an action plan for improvement.  So at the meeting with the Stressor that afternoon, they read each area too me & they asked if I had any questions telling me how they looked forward to my improvement.  My action plan was then reviewed with them, and I asked that it be added to the file. All in all, it went pretty darn good. 

And Friday, arrived at work with my coffee, lunch (soft foods for 2nd day of unfill), tired & ready for the end of the week.  It's raining, but I don't mind so much.  The air smells fresh & clean... reminding me of my Grandma's old house in Sequim as a child.  Thinking about this I am walking to the door.  As my right foot touches down, I recognize what is going to happen & have to start laughing that this is the perfect end to the week.  Seconds later, I'm laying in a huge water puddle about a 1/4 inch deep, and all I can think about was that I'd dropped my coffee and was watching it leak out of my cup.  I really needed that coffee!  Guess my old supervisor & another friend there watched me go down.  They were beside me real quick helping me up & stuff.  So embarrassed... soaking wet (luckily it was casual day so I was in my jeans), and I had to go straight into a meeting!  On the plus side, the cold wet jeans on my right light leg felt really good on my newly banged up knee.   With only a stump left to my right foot, I fall a lot.  My knee probably just sighs & says "not again!". 

So my week is over!! And I survived!!!  Next week should really be a great one.  Knee is doing good, little swollen & sore, but not holding me back from getting my exercise in.  As odd as it sounds?  I'm actually feeling better today mentally than I have all week.

Although I was bummed about the unfill, I have to admit it.  Liquids only today, and I still wasn't really hungry.  So my tummy & band definitely neeed time to heal.  For dinner tonight, I was able to eat tuna salad (just the tuna, not an actual green salad).  It's been about 2 hrs and there's been no problems.  For tomorrow, my plan is to stay on soft/mushy foods for 24hrs and then ease into regular solids.

Dr. Nairs office was so great.  Dr. Boulay was on call last night and she met me at the clinic to let me in and do the unfill - so I wouldn't have to go the ER for hours or pay he ER fees.

This is my post from yesterday, 2/25/2010. 

Had my 3rd fill yesterday... bringing me to 3.5 cc's.  They had me drink a bottle of water before I left the office, and that went down fine.  But had to have almost a total unfill tonight.

This morning DH made me a smoothie & it was so hard to get down, I couldn't drink more than about 3/4 cup.  I thought maybe it was too dense.  So along with this, work has been incredibly stressful and today I needed to do a road trip.  We had to stop along the coastal highway a few times as I was not feeling well at all... stuck feeling with a lot pressure in my upper chest; nausea... not going well.  Eventually that got better.  We stopped for lunch and I had a nice safe soup.  But after 4 of 5 slow spoonfuls, the whole feeling started all over again.  After a call to my doctors office, they said to stay on clear fluids only and it might need a slight unfill tomorrow.  But to call this evening if I had vomiting.
 
Unfortunately, by the time I got back in town I was feeling a bit better again.  But tried to take a few bites of soup again, and right back to where I was.  Called the doctors office & they had the doctor-on-call ring me back.  She was so cool, met me at the hospital & took me to their clinic so I didn't have to go to the ER room. As I'd slimed pretty major, well, okay, vomitted... right after I pulled in there, she said she needed to do the major unfill to give my stomach a break to calm down.

So now I have about .2 cc's left.  Next appt with my own doctor is next week for 3 month postop, so I'll find out then how long it will be till I can get fills again.  I'm so sad.   Part of me wanted to suck it up & hold out from calling the clinic.  But I was afraid of hurting the band & my tummy if I didn't follow the rules.  Any help or advice, hugs or prayers would be great. Work has been extremely stressful right now too, so maybe I needed this time to find my footing again.  I don't know.