beccabecca66
Struggling with 'issues'
Dec 17, 2010
Physically, I'm doing fine. I'm getting in all my protein, eating the way I'm supposed to, drinking all my fluids, even keeping up on regular exercise.This should make me happy that I'm building a good foundation for my future.
But the mental and emotional pain that I'm dealing with is almost overwhelming. I didn't realize how much I used food to self soothe. Sometimes I'll be driving on the highway and go past the exits with all the fast food and start to have a mini anxiety attack at the thought that I can't stop at any of them. I don't even have to be having a strong emotion (sad, anger, upset) to be panicked that I can't eat. And that makes me want to eat junk food even more.
But, I get home and go back to my 3 meals a day with two snacks of milk.
It still doesn't ease the need inside of me to soothe myself with food. Rather than having that crutch, I simply have to deal with the hard emotion. I've been trying to come up with ideas of what to do that don't cost a lot of money. I've been using scented lotion and burning candles and incense. Trying mindfulness techniques. Dang, it's hard! Much easier to down a double cheeseburger.
And most of all, no one really understands what i'm going through. No one in my real life, that is. I go to the support groups, but they seem to focus on all the good things about the surgery. No one will admit to the mental hell that they went through until they adjusted. Or maybe they still haven't adjusted. I don't know.
I find myself more irritable and more judgmental than ever. I can't stand people. I think they are all dumbasses that don't know how to live their life. I have all the answers to their problems. Thankfully, I've kept all these thoughts to myself, or I'd alienate people even further than they are from the surgery.
I don't have a real point. Other than to say, "I HURT INSIDE!"
