brightstarlite
My life began off well, I wasn't a "sick" child, but I always had more medical issues that more brother and sister. I was healthy as a child. It was when I began first grade when the trouble began. I was chubby. Most said to my parents not to worry, it was baby fat, and it would go away. As the years rolled by, I didn't lose the fat, I gained more. I was always the cubbiest of my friends and peers. I was an active child, doing girl scouts, ballet, and being and outdoorsy kid but still was quite chubby. I began being active in sports during middle school. It slowed down my weight gain, but it did not stop it. I ate the same amounts as my friends, my brother and sister. I also did all the same activites, yet I always was the fatest..
As I reached high school, I found sports became way too much for me to handle. I simply couldn't keep up with my 50 pound lighter peers. I was very self conscience and depressed. I was active in other things, very confident on the outside. On the inside I was screaming for help. I was lucky enough to have good friends, a boyfriend, and a social life. This still didn't end the ridicule, the stares, and the pain caused by my peers and my self loathing. "It isn't fair" I'd tell myself. "When will this fat leave me?"
The gaining started really picking up toward junior year, I accredit this to the stress of choosing a college, and being the only "smart" child in my family. The stress was enormous! I used a lot of tools to mask my inner depression. I became more withdrawn from my family especially my father. He only offered me ridicule and shame, instead of kind and helpful advice. The more he told me I needed to lose weight, the more depressed I became. During senior year, there were only two girls who were bigger than me and I knew this for a fact; and it sickened me.
After graduation I began gaining weight at an alarming speed. I was eating more, for nurishment, but mostly for comfort. As I gained more weight, I wanted more comfort. Dealing with my weight, a job, and school was a lot for me. I was so ashamed and scared of the truth that looked at me in every mirror, and every picture. I was morbidly obese and I could no longer avoid it. I was even more depressed and in ashamed.
That was 3 years ago this is when I began researching WLS. Not to actually have it, that was for "fat" people. I knew I was big, but I didn't need WLS, did I? No, I thought, I can do it on my own. Since then, I have allowed myself to open up about my weight issues to my mom, my husband, and my doctors. I opened up about all the heavy breathing, my inhaler was a constant friend, the cripling chest pain, swollen joints, and as time passed I was unable to get any sleep. The most painful issue being the huge boils I get all over my body weekly. Everywhere. These began when I hit 200 pounds. One even required minor surgery to drain it.
I have tired every fad diet and exercise system that has been out since then. I was usually able to lose 20 pounds at most, and it would always come back in a week of not working as hard and not being able to go to the gym because of sore joints. Or a week I got sick etc. etc. etc. Which would cause me to lose hope. Why did I work so hard for months, for a few days a few weeks of "normal" living to take it all away?! Then the depression and binge eating would set it. The more depressed I got, the more I'd binge. The depression plus the constant need for food began to effect my marriage. Causing arguments about my anger, my attitude, and money for food that was not needed.
A year ago was when I hit my bottom. I went home for my birthday, I was video taped being goofy with my friend. Later on we showed the video to some friends, and on of those friends said "who is that large man?" In front of everyone, they all just stared at me in silence. It was the most embarassing moments of my life. He didn't realize how deeply he hurt me, until he saw my face. I saw myself then, really saw myself. I had gotten bigger than I thought. I didn't see this person when I looked in the mirror. This person couldn't be me, could it? At a staggering 270 it was me, ALL of me, staring me in the face to where I could no longer deny I needed serious help.
I then became very serious with the idea of WLS. I began finding all the information I could find. Books, videos, journals, websites like OH. Around 8 months ago I stopped researching WLS. The reality of what exactly WLS required from a patient for the rest of their life set in and I was scared. WLS was a lifetime commitment I didn't think I was ready for, I could try again. "I can change my body alone" I thought. After this last attempt of weight loss alone I knew it was hopeless. I needed something more than a diet, more than my husbands loving words and encouragement. I knew then I was ready to make the life long commitment WLS would require. For me the benifits out way the risks.
So this is my journey and I would love to share with you all. My hope is that my journal and my story will help someone else who might need to know they are not alone.
