Butterfli2
Hi I am Tami, and welcome to me!
I had RNY nearly 8 years ago. July 27th 2002 to be exact. I went from a high of 317lbs to a wonderful 138lbs at goal 3 years later. But then, slightly over 2 years ago my world came crashing down on me. My life as I knew it exploded. Some good came out of it in the end, but the tradeoff has become too much for me to accept.
My husband and I have a beautiful baby grandchild Lily- whom we have been raising since she drew her first breath 22 months ago- that is the wonderful blessing from all of the troubles and the one thing I/we would never change. But as or the rest, well that is why I am coming back here. I am looking for a little bit of “help from my friends” as the old song goes.
September of 2007, I had a beautiful body (size 5-6 thank you and surgeons), a job that I waited 20 years to do (nursing), a wonderful home and a fantastic husband. I still have the wonderful husband but lost the body and the job and nearly the house.
Since life threw me the hardballs, I have gained back 85 lbs. from my goal weight. I think this has been a combination of things:
1) The stress of my life since that fateful day
2) The depression that ensued which ended me up in a psych ward in January 2008 and as a result-a gazillion drugs I have been on since then
3) The gazillion drugs I have been on and off of since then- mostly depression, anxiety and mood stabilizers
4) My failure in using my tool and
5) The failure of my tool to me
So here I am. And I am not a happy person. After several month of struggling to convince myself I am ok as I am- I am NOT and I need to change it. My first step actually was about 6 months ago when I went to see a new bypass surgeon (my previous one is no longer under my insurance coverage). I asked him about a revision. He scheduled a upper GI and then told me all was ok with my surgery. He strongly discouraged me from having a revision (lots of scary talk about life after a DS which is what he would have to do) so I left his office with my husband, in tears and with the advice from the doctor to try and diet.
So I have, and am 20 lbs. heavier for my efforts. Also I am now very depressed and have a large amount of shame in myself when it comes to looking in my mirror or seeing pictures of myself. . I am still a good momma to my little girl and honestly have to say she is the reason I have kept at life at all for the past 2+ years but I need to be happy and proud of me.. not just living because I need to for her. I have learned and come to the conclusion that in order for me to be the best I can be for her and my family I NEED to be the best for me. Which is 90 – 100 lbs. lighter and back into my career that I loved dearly.
So here I am. I have the goal in mind, to lose the weight and get healthy again first and foremost. How- to get there? Well, any way I can. My plan as it is now :
1) Make an appointment with the surgeon again (he is the only one in my area that accepts my insurance). This will be at least two months from now before I see him.
2) While I wait for that appointment, I am going to do my level best to really do everything I can to get the weight off. Including a food and exercise log.
3) If, when I see him, I am no close to my dream and need of being healthy again, I will demand that I be honestly considered for a revision.
To lost the weight now I am coming home to my peeps here. This has helped me to remember that old feeling of anticipation, and joy of success. I also really feel I have experiences to share with others. One of the things that was most fulfilling to me prior to my life implosion was being a advocate and support for people who are considering or have had RNY. Kind of hard when I feel / look like I failed. But here, I have not- others have been or will be where I am / was. I also have already remembered how helpful it is to have the support and caring of people who have had similar experiences as myself.
It has been a hard lesson for me to learn, realizing that I cannot do it alone. Even when you hit goal, life is good, and it seem like the end of a long journey you would just as soon forget and start fresh. It isn’t. You need to have the support, to keep those “Rules of the Pouch” in the forefront of your brain every time you choose to put something into your body. This journey is a never ending story.
One last important thing I need to share (if you aren’t cross eyed at reading already). When I was at my personal goal of 138 lbs. my family consistently told me I looked to skinny. I needed to gain some weight back. Imagine that! Never thought someone would tell me I NEEDED to gain weight. Well after a long while listening to this, when my world came crashing in, I decided I had had enough. I would gain weight back by going back to my pre surgical habits. Yea it took awhile for my body to adjust, but adjust it did. I still have side effects, depending on what & how much I eat, but nowhere like what I was post op. But what I ate was something I could control, especially when everything around me was not in my control. Well it worked, then. I did gain back weight, I did go back to old habits, but the caveat is that now I cannot break those same habits. I don’t have the control. And I have a ton of regret, sadness and shame.
But as I believe, each minute you live is a minute you have to make a change- good or bad- so I am going for good now. With the help of God and my OH friends I hope I will succeed without needing to go through a revision. But if not, I will have one. I need to be happy, not just for me but my family and especially that little girl that calls me mommy, nammy, and nana (depending whatever her little brain is thinking the moment she needs me).
