Valerie C.

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I have less thant 10 hours until I have to be at the hospital in the morning.  The nerves are starting a little and I hope that I will  be able to sleep tonight.  Wish me luck world, because I am on the way to a new, healthier me.   

I took my final measurements, my before pictures, and am now on a clear liquid diet.  I think I am more excited that I am nervous.  The only thing that I am truly worried about is relinquishing control of this house and letting some things get put off until later.  That is the really hard part.  I am sure that I will be much more nervous tomorrow but for now I just need to calm down and get to sleep.   

Here I am on the Friday before my surgery.  I have waited for so so so long for this surgery and I think that this exact day that I am having it (which is on the 23rd of May) is the perfect day.  I an not really nervous and feel excited to be on the loser's bench once and for all.  I kind of feel like after this is said and done, my life will change immensely and I think that I will be able to enjoy just about everything so much more without this bubble of fat around me.

I know that my fat bubble was how I protected myself for so long but now, as I lose it, I am going to really have to focus on coping and learning more about who I am without the fat.  This might be an excrutiating journey or it may be amazing.  Here's to hoping for the latter.  I have so many people on my side and I have been working towards it for so long that I just cannot believe that I am finally here. 

Time to start packing and getting the house ready for Monday.   

I keep having bad dreams that I somehow screw up my ability to get surgery like I eat the day of or something.  I think that my mind is trying to work out some stuff before I go in.  In other news, I am at a point where I am really starting to get mentally ready.  I feel a little left behind however because I could have had my surgery last week but got MAJORLY ill.  
And I found out that I will have to postpone nursing school another semester.  Sigh...that makes me the saddest of all.  

On Friday when I went to go see my bariatrician I took an ass reaming because I had only lost 6 of the 20 lbs for surgery.  He said he would not deny me the surgery but then reiterated the dangers of not losing the weight.  He has a VERY brusque Romanian father energy and I knew that I had to get into trouble before I got the love.  
And that is exactly how it happened.  Then, he decided that he did not want to have me in the hospital over Easter and moved my surgery to today April 18, 2011. This freaked me out because Isis has surgery on the 19th and I was not mentally prepared to have it arrive so soon since I was sure it would be on the 20th when it was scheduled.  They had already moved it up once from the 25th due to Dr. Georgescu's vacation time.  Well, over the weekend, I developed some kind of raging influenza/strep type infection and have been sick every since.  Needless to say, I had to call and postpone my surgery.
The good news is is that I have another month to take off the weight.  My new surgery is scheduled for May 23, 2011 and I think that I will be far more ready then.   
I think that this was all necessary because I don't think I was completely prepared for it to happen so soon, I need to attend to my daughter who has oral surgery tomorrow and who has been suffering with tooth pain every night for the past week. It also means that I will get to celebrate mine and my sister's birthdays.

Now, I have to think about my Annalise who's birthday is the day after my surgery.  I think that perhaps, if I can scrape together enough money, I will take her to the Lair o the Bear and the Aquarium that weekend before.  I also want to buy her a new bike.

Today I went to my preop appt.  It all feels real but kinda like its not really happening to me.  I think that I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that this is really finally happening.  I am reading stuff right now about how after surgery, I might have some psychological trauma and changes just because its hard to see yourself as a person of normal weight after so many years of being morbidly obese.  I am not sure how others are going to see me or how I am going to see myself.  I think that I will just have to take it minute by minute and day by day.

I am also worried that I might transpose my food addiction onto something else.  This is something that I am aware of and actively trying to deal with but its still weird.  
On Friday I go and sign my surgical consent forms.  This week, my goals are to start actively journaling not only food, vitamins, and feelings but also get some pictures done so that I have something to see my progress with.   I know that this single procedure is going to make a huge difference in my life and bring up more challenges as well.  At least my weight will be one less thing that I stay up late at night over. 

This liquid diet kinda sucks ass.  I am trying to do what I need to do but I am the cook in the family and it super sucks not being able to eat what you are cooking.  Add to that a severe lack of resources (i.e. money at the moment) and this liquid diet is turning into a nightmare.  I will keep fighting the good fight however.
 

 Well my surgery date has been changed to April 20th.  Even sooner than I thought!  Today I start my liquid diet and then I have a whole mess of appts to plan for this week in addition to schooling my mom and daughter on the bariatric bible.  

 After much fighting over getting my CPAP to me, I am officially scheduled for April 25th..my birthday!

 So I found out from my bariatric liaison at Dr. Georgescu's office that I should have a date by next week.  I have been trying to stock up on the vitamins and supplements that I will need both pre and post-op but with Jason not having a job, it has been difficult.  So far, I have two bottles of liquid calcium, a big dropper bottle of B-complex, a big bottle of chewable fiber, a big bottle of centrum chewable vitamins, and about eat EAS AdvantEDGE shakes.  I know I need WAY more than this but I am trying to just do a little at a time.
I have stopped taking NSAIDS and am trying to make sure I chew my food well.  One of the things that I am trying to overcome is not drinking with meals.  Also, its going to be hard to remember not to drink out of a straw.

A side note:  I have learned that I have obstructive sleep apnea and will be getting a CPAP.  CPAP's used to scare the crap out of me because it felt like you were leaning your head out of a window going 55 mph trying to breathe.  But, thanks to Heather at Rose sleep center, I have found a very comfortable mask that actually gave me the best sleep I have had in awhile.  Another thing that I am learning is that I have wicked arthritis.  I also have a severe B-12 deficiency and I have gastritis, reflux, and a tiny hiatel hernia.  All of these things I learned just by taking this journey again.  

There are many stressful events happening right now in my life but I am at peace with the knowledge that this might actually be happening.  This would solve a great many of the issues that I am having in life right now and will help me be a better parent to my children and nurse to my patients.