Here it comes

Feb 25, 2009

So I talked to Isabelle on Monday, and the surgery is scheduled for March 12th at noon.

No one could have prepared me for how this pre-op diet was going to affect me. I thought I had an idea, but I didn't. So yesterday was a BAD day. I had a meltdown. I could not stop crying. I started my pre-op diet on Monday, but yesterday was awful. I was going through carb withdrawals so bad I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. It's like I can almost feel my stomach changing from what I'm putting in it now- which is just protein and vegetables. My pre-op diet is what my diet will be after the surgery, just nothing pureed, thank goodness. I kept thinking, "This is it? I can't live on this!" so I called to doctor to get some support, and talked to some lady named Barbara. She basically told me to stop my sniveling. I cried even harder. I was a real mess when Ted got home. I had clammed up and didn't even want to talk about it. It felt like no matter what I said, it wouldn't convey the magnitude of what was going on in my head, my heart, and my stomach. He got down on his knees and held me until I let it go, and it was like a floodgate opened. There have been a couple of times that I've been on the "wagon" that I've gone through this same thing, just never this intense. The withdrawals may just be in my head, but are real to me just the same. It was almost physically painful to stay on track yesterday. But I know from past experiences that this part does pass. I just have to stick to it and it will get easier. Just like anything else.

I guess part of it was it finally hit me that I am NOT going to be having the cheese fries, pizza, chimichanga's, chips, cake, and who knows what else anymore. I've read so many people's blogs about how food was their best friend. I didn't think food and I were that close until now. I thought it was just that I liked the way certain things tasted. Then it's like I almost started grieving... I kept thinking about all the times that food has comforted me and been there for me in the quiet times when no one else has. I didn't realize how unhealthy a relationship I had with food until now. But that's the whole point of having this surgery, isn't it? To change your lifelong bad habits and replace them with good ones?Right now I'm eating to live, not living to eat- and I have never done that before. That is a completely new concept for me. I'm still feeling a little rocky this morning, but someone told me in the chat room that it gets better by day 4. I feel a lot better today, so tomorrow should be even better. I am feeling a lot more optimistic today than yesterday. I didn't want to clean my house or anything yesterday. But I feel so much better today. I felt REALLY really tired yesterday, and I still do today, but it's better. It doesn't help that Ryan was up all hours last night crying because he wanted to come "sleep in Daddy's bed". Then of course after that, he wakes up at 6:30. I just praise God that my mother in law is taking him while I'm laid up for a week. What a blessing.

Ted took me to Barnes and Nobles last night and bought me a cookbook for weight loss surgery patients. I looked through it and it didn't help, but it was the thought that counted. He did take me to the grocery store with my list of things out of the 'Bariatric Bible" and stocked up on the essentials. Yogurt, chicken, veggies... Anyway- I'm going to go make some eggs. Thanks for listening.

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