editrix
Moving forward, ramblin'
Apr 29, 2010
During the last few weeks, I've attended a bariatric support group (good to hear about post-wls life, but MAN I really don't have the patience for a large group sharing situation), gone to two of the required classes (way more helpful than I expected), found a mental health/food issues therapy group which has been really, really great so far, and lost two pounds (unexpected!).This process has made me think hard about why food is an issue for me, and how I'm going to cope once food is eliminated as a coping mechanism. I have realized that this could be a potential pitfall after surgery, and I'm taking steps now to discover and deal with the underlying issues. I would hate to have the surgery, then regain (or worse) years down the line because I haven't learned to deal with my mental health issues without self-medicating with food or some other unhealthy habit.
I've always thought that I'm a happy, optimistic person, but I've always had a crutch (food/alcohol/nicotine/pot/pills/cutting) to protect myself with. (Hi, mixed metaphor!) I've always thought that I'm particularly empathetic, but maybe I'm just so caught up in my own head that I project my own feelings on everyone else - just the opposite of empathy.
I've found that now that I'm actually TRYING, rather than just kind of floating along, I'm realizing things about myself. I assume everyone is judging me because I'm really judgmental of others. I would rather close myself off (not making eye contact, not being friendly, putting on this weight) because I'm scared of being rejected. I'm scared to really let myself try because I'm afraid of failing.
Here's a new one: I'm really scared of being alone with myself. I make sure I'm constantly surrounded by distractions so I won't have to be in my head. I'm going to consciously work on this, and it truly is scary to me. I feel like I'm trying to root out the reasons why I am the way I am, thinking that that will be the key, and I'm not sure that maybe just figuring out how to accept myself isn't the best way to deal with me. (That sentence was incredibly convoluted.) How do I accept myself as I am? How do I not be afraid all the time?
