Looking back, moving forward

Aug 29, 2010

I'm such a nerd.  I also have an unfortunate memory -- dates especially tend to be vague at best.  So, just for fun (?) I made a spreadsheet of my life over the past 20 years.  Year by year -- where I worked, where I lived, significant events, and what I weighed at each point.

I'm not a person who dwells on the past, or even thinks about it that much.  I realize that my experiences formed who I am, but my preference is really to deal with the situation at hand.  Looking over my life laid out in facts and numbers makes it more manageable, somehow, and corrects my 60/40 hindsight to 20/20.

It is also an interesting way to measure my goals.  I feel like as the weight comes off, I'm moving back in time.  Right now, down 76 pounds, I'm back in 2002.  I was just married, living in a house, with a job that paid (to me, then) amazingly well.  I wasn't happy, but that wasn't because of my weight.  It feels good to be back in that body, without all of the terribleness that I was feeling.  I feel like I'm getting a do-over.  I know it doesn't really make sense - I'm not really getting to fix anything, but revisiting my past this way has been revitalizing.  My past has felt like a scary place - I've been reluctant to dwell on it.  My flawed coping mechanism (eating/drinking/whatever until the feelings go away) got me to my highest weight.  Now I have mental, medical, and external support, and as I think about what got me here, I can feel my feelings (ugh) rather than suppressing them.

Blah.

People keep asking me how I'm losing this weight.  I say "diet and exercise" because it's easier, but that's not the whole truth.  I've admitted to myself that I can't do this on my own - I need the therapy and meds to help me learn how to deal with my life without self-medicating with food or something else.  I'm working on the assumption that this will be a lifelong necessity, like vitamins will be after the surgery.  

So nuts and bolts surgery-wise, I have an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Kim, on September 24th.  He'll look at my progress and medical records, and decide whether I can be scheduled for surgery or have to complete some other requirements first.  I met the first pre-surgery goal I set for myself (299 lbs), and I'm 5 lbs away from my second pre-surgery goal (270, or my weight in 2000).  I can get there before I meet with the surgeon.  I'm ready for this.  I'm cautiously hopeful.

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