erica_starks
Where to begin...I have been overweight for long as my memory serves. When I look back at pictures of me as a child, I see significant weight gain by the time I was about 4 compared to other kids my age, especially when I look at pictures of my soccer teams. By age 6, I was certainly obese and by age 13, I was morbidly obese. By my sophomore year of college, I was super morbidly obese.
Where did things go wrong for me? I think there were many factors. I definitely grew up in a loving family, no question there. But my examples weren't the best. Both of my parents grew up in families of alcoholism and abuse and they vowed not to carry those things forward, yet they carried their baggage with them. My father was super morbidly obese throughout my childhood and died when he was 58 of a massive heart attack. My mother struggles with being overweight and had a stroke at age 52. I clearly remember around age 7 thinking of how unhappy my mother was, the constant yo-yo dieting and attempts at exercise. She would be so distraught about her efforts. Whereas my father was round, but generally a happy guy who held himself together well. I decided at that tender age, I would prefer to be like my father, perhaps round, but generally happy and well put together. My older brother also struggled with his weight and mood after puberty and chose the 'crystal meth' diet plan to bring his weight down, which naturally created more problems with his health and life. I knew that was not the path for me and I am so grateful I did not follow suit.
What I realize as an adult, the pain and depression my mother experienced was not a result of her weight issues, but a result of major depressive disorder that went undiagnosed and untreated until after my father died. The challenges my brother faced with drugs were not only a result of him wanting to lose weight, but also a byproduct of bipolar disorder which went undiagnosed and untreated until after he had a stroke at age 35. For me, understanding where I fit into the family dynamic of my original family has been an essential part of this journey. They are/were very loving people who struggled emotionally and used food to fill voids or boredom, to relieve stress, to celebrate, or to grieve and eventually became part of the routine. While my parents did not want to bring the pain of alcohol and abuse to their family of choice, I do not want to carry the unhealthful habits of using food as a salve and treatment for my challenges to the family I am creating.
Through the years, I have tried a multitude of times to effectively lose the weight. At my highest recorded weight (I’m sure not my highest weight ever, since I avoided the scale), I was 317 when I was about 35. At that point, I tried Weight Watchers again for the umpteenth time. About this time my friend had a RNY. She and I had similar eating and exercise habits. I saw her about 3 months after surgery and she had lost around 50 pounds already. I finally decided if she could do it, I could do it too. So I researched, went to group and learned and got approval for my RNY on 8/11/10. I chose the RNY because it was shown to really help people with diabetes and because of the negative re-enforcers like dumping syndrome. My other co-morbidities were sleep apnea, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I lost about 19 pounds prior to surgery.
My surgery was great. I had a very skilled and caring surgeon. I have nothing but high praise for the Dr. Alami, his staff and Kaiser South San Francisco. They have been fabulous.
The first few months were delightfully easy. The weight seemed to drip off. At about 6 months or so, I started to eat more ‘real food,’ not the protein shakes and bars. It was then that my weight loss began to slow. I also was not exercising with any regularity. While I chose the RNY for the negative re-enforcers, I have only dumped a couple of times with massive amounts of sugar or fat. I have to go pretty far to dump. (Of course, I have tested my limits.)
In the ten and half months, I have permanently released 85 pounds for a total loss (pre and post-op) of 104. I am no longer diabetic, nor have sleep apnea or high cholesterol. My blood pressure medication has been cut in half. It is a constant struggle now to avoid the ‘bad carbs.’ I force myself to exercise since I still don’t really enjoy it. Let me rephrase that, I still do not feel confident in my physical coordination or stamina. I get embarrassed at the gym and still feel like I do not belong there when I look at the ‘beautiful bodies’ around me. There are times when I want to give jogging a try, but feel self-conscious about the flab flapping and so I don’t. Yet, I have started to go anyway with a strict regularity because I figure some of those beautiful bodies looked like me at some point and I have to start somewhere, might as well be here now. I will say that I enjoy the feeling a few hours after I exercise that I have done something good just for me and I do sleep better on the nights I do exercise.
In the coming months, I will lose the other 54 pounds to reach my goal and maintain it. I will exercise. I will eat healthfully and show my own children a better example so they don’t bring forward the bad habits I was taught. I will live with health and vivacity.
