GlitterRainbow83
Here and There
Mar 18, 2009
Hello everyone,
Just thought I'd post a mid week update. A lot of things have been going on and have been in a reflective mood lately. As everyone knows, last year I battled with Pulmonary Embolisms. I kind of blocked all of it out because it was hard for me to wrap my head around it while it was happening. Last week was my one year anniversary, and it just got me thinking. I am so blessed to have made it through such a scary medical issue. But it was weird at the same time because my brain started to let that week replay in my mind. I remember being hooked up to everything, to having blood draws, and MRI's and CT scans every other hour it felt like, to looking like I had been severely beaten for my lunch money...all of it. And it scared me all over again. I remember having to be knocked out because I wouldn't sleep, and then feeling frustrated when I couldn't remember who it was I was talking to (the clots made me have a small stroke). I remember wanting nothing more than going home, until I got there. I remember once I got home, all I did for a few days was lay down and cry. I was so afraid something would happen to me in my sleep that I refused to do it. I felt like the next few months of my life were constant reminders, and I was afraid of everything. To this day, one year later, a small sharp pain in my lungs brings me close to a panic attack. It's taken me several months to attempt to process this. I have the best support system in the world, but when I feel like sharing my fears, I don't know how to express what I feel. Right now I still don't. Like I said, I remember bits and pieces, like being ok and putting up a tough front until my dad walked in my ICU room and I just crumbled, and then I remember different doctors from every specialty you could imagine poking and prodding me like I was some rare species. And then I remember my mom coming every morning to wipe me down and wait for the doctors with me because I was bed ridden for 6 days. It's like I'm beginning to go through a long overdue grieving process. After a traumatic event or loss, the second year is the hardest. I feel the same way now that I felt when my grandmother passed. Everyone has moved on with their lives, and you are somehow stuck. Some days are better than others, of course, but I still get upset when I can't remember something, or my lungs hurt, or my blood draws (that I STILL have every week) come back low. I guess what the bottom line is that I always look for patterns and meaning to everything that happens. To this day, I have no idea what the purpose of my illness was/is, and it drives me nuts. I have a lot of unanswered "Whys." I don't even know where to begin to answer them. I guess things just need more time to reveal themselves, but I'm impatient, as we all know. I just want to say thank to everyone in advance for putting up with an emotional Sara for the next few weeks or so. I work on everyone else for a living, and right now I just need to work and focus on me :)
0 comments
Just thought I'd post a mid week update. A lot of things have been going on and have been in a reflective mood lately. As everyone knows, last year I battled with Pulmonary Embolisms. I kind of blocked all of it out because it was hard for me to wrap my head around it while it was happening. Last week was my one year anniversary, and it just got me thinking. I am so blessed to have made it through such a scary medical issue. But it was weird at the same time because my brain started to let that week replay in my mind. I remember being hooked up to everything, to having blood draws, and MRI's and CT scans every other hour it felt like, to looking like I had been severely beaten for my lunch money...all of it. And it scared me all over again. I remember having to be knocked out because I wouldn't sleep, and then feeling frustrated when I couldn't remember who it was I was talking to (the clots made me have a small stroke). I remember wanting nothing more than going home, until I got there. I remember once I got home, all I did for a few days was lay down and cry. I was so afraid something would happen to me in my sleep that I refused to do it. I felt like the next few months of my life were constant reminders, and I was afraid of everything. To this day, one year later, a small sharp pain in my lungs brings me close to a panic attack. It's taken me several months to attempt to process this. I have the best support system in the world, but when I feel like sharing my fears, I don't know how to express what I feel. Right now I still don't. Like I said, I remember bits and pieces, like being ok and putting up a tough front until my dad walked in my ICU room and I just crumbled, and then I remember different doctors from every specialty you could imagine poking and prodding me like I was some rare species. And then I remember my mom coming every morning to wipe me down and wait for the doctors with me because I was bed ridden for 6 days. It's like I'm beginning to go through a long overdue grieving process. After a traumatic event or loss, the second year is the hardest. I feel the same way now that I felt when my grandmother passed. Everyone has moved on with their lives, and you are somehow stuck. Some days are better than others, of course, but I still get upset when I can't remember something, or my lungs hurt, or my blood draws (that I STILL have every week) come back low. I guess what the bottom line is that I always look for patterns and meaning to everything that happens. To this day, I have no idea what the purpose of my illness was/is, and it drives me nuts. I have a lot of unanswered "Whys." I don't even know where to begin to answer them. I guess things just need more time to reveal themselves, but I'm impatient, as we all know. I just want to say thank to everyone in advance for putting up with an emotional Sara for the next few weeks or so. I work on everyone else for a living, and right now I just need to work and focus on me :)
A whole new perspective
Mar 09, 2009
So I am about 9 weeks out from surgery, and hit my shopping goal of 60 pounds (61 to be exact). It coincided with a trip to Indy that my mom and I were going to take together. It was an amazing experience. For the first time since I was probably a freshman in college, I tried on a size 14 dress and it fit. I was able to actually shop and try things on instead of getting upset that they didn't have another "X" in front of the "XL" "X " isnt even a part of my language anymore, at least not for the top half. I've lost the majority of my weight in my waist, and am beginning to see a difference in my legs and arms. It's just phenomenal! I've said for weeks that I cannot tell that I've lost much weight, but shopping this weekend gave me a whole new perspective. I have always had a problem with seeing me the way my family and boyfriend see me. I see my list of failures instead. Now, when someone compliments me, I say thank you, because I know they genuinely mean it.
I'm slowly beginning to get back into a workout routine. I try to get some cardio in by walking the mall for a few hours every week, and I live up three flights of stairs and walk across campus, but I need to get some resistance stuff in.I DVR'd a couple of things to do for my late nights at work. My schedule is so hectic that I'm struggling getting the workouts in, but I know I need them. I WANT to do them. I remember the endorphin rush I would have when I worked out and how my mood was pleasant and stable, and I want that back again. I get such a sense of accomplishment out of it because I know I'm doing something good for my body. And it's MY time. I work as an addictions counselor, and after a day of assisting my clients with overcoming their addiction, I know it would be hypocritical of me to not maintain and overcome my own addiction...food.
And speaking of food, it's still something that I'm struggling with. I started my solid foods a week ago, and I was terrified. I was certain that one bite would make me gain everything back. I've been using my bariatric cookbook, but it doesn't seem to ease my mind. I have the majority of the "bad' cravings out of my head, which is a relief. I'm beginning to really crave good things for me, and I don't miss soda and caffiene like I thought I would. I happily sip on a light minute maid cherry limeade and feel just as good. I'm still struggling with drinking the protein, but I'm now able to make up for it by eating chicken and seafood. Restaurants can be kind of awkward with some waiters and waitresses who look at me oddly when I take the majority of my food home, but hey..this time around I know I'm getting my money's worth instead of stuffing all of it in my mouth in 20 minutes...that's 2 lunches and a dinner I'm packing up!!!
Well, I have rambled. I hope everyone had a good weekend and has a good week!!!
Sara
0 comments
I'm slowly beginning to get back into a workout routine. I try to get some cardio in by walking the mall for a few hours every week, and I live up three flights of stairs and walk across campus, but I need to get some resistance stuff in.I DVR'd a couple of things to do for my late nights at work. My schedule is so hectic that I'm struggling getting the workouts in, but I know I need them. I WANT to do them. I remember the endorphin rush I would have when I worked out and how my mood was pleasant and stable, and I want that back again. I get such a sense of accomplishment out of it because I know I'm doing something good for my body. And it's MY time. I work as an addictions counselor, and after a day of assisting my clients with overcoming their addiction, I know it would be hypocritical of me to not maintain and overcome my own addiction...food.
And speaking of food, it's still something that I'm struggling with. I started my solid foods a week ago, and I was terrified. I was certain that one bite would make me gain everything back. I've been using my bariatric cookbook, but it doesn't seem to ease my mind. I have the majority of the "bad' cravings out of my head, which is a relief. I'm beginning to really crave good things for me, and I don't miss soda and caffiene like I thought I would. I happily sip on a light minute maid cherry limeade and feel just as good. I'm still struggling with drinking the protein, but I'm now able to make up for it by eating chicken and seafood. Restaurants can be kind of awkward with some waiters and waitresses who look at me oddly when I take the majority of my food home, but hey..this time around I know I'm getting my money's worth instead of stuffing all of it in my mouth in 20 minutes...that's 2 lunches and a dinner I'm packing up!!!
Well, I have rambled. I hope everyone had a good weekend and has a good week!!!
Sara
8 weeks
Mar 04, 2009
Hello everyone!
I am now 8 weeks post-op. I am proud to say I made it through one of the toughest things I have ever done, and lost 61 pounds and 7 inches. While this has been difficult, I did not regret it for one second. The baby food, the nausea, the pain, the sippy cups, the cravings...they were all worth it because I got my life back. This time last year I was laying in a hospital bed literally fighting for my life. This year I am working and going to school full time, cooking healthy foods, smiling and laughing more, and enjoying my life for the first time in years. I look forward to going shopping. I look forward to the days and weeks ahead. At first food bothered me because it was EVERYWHERE, but now that I've conquered (for the most part) the "head hunger" that I had been hearing about, I don't feel so overwhelmed. The only time I feel a bit awkward is when I have to explain why I'm only ordering 3 ounces of food. But the craziest thing of all is I physically feel better, but I don't think I look like I've lost more than 5 pounds. I was the type of person who was skinny in her head, so having some Come To Jesus moments with myself have been eye-opening to say the least. I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone for their thoughts and words of encouragement, especially during the first few weeks when I had difficulty adjusting. Here's to 61 more pounds and 70 more years of laughter :)
0 comments
I am now 8 weeks post-op. I am proud to say I made it through one of the toughest things I have ever done, and lost 61 pounds and 7 inches. While this has been difficult, I did not regret it for one second. The baby food, the nausea, the pain, the sippy cups, the cravings...they were all worth it because I got my life back. This time last year I was laying in a hospital bed literally fighting for my life. This year I am working and going to school full time, cooking healthy foods, smiling and laughing more, and enjoying my life for the first time in years. I look forward to going shopping. I look forward to the days and weeks ahead. At first food bothered me because it was EVERYWHERE, but now that I've conquered (for the most part) the "head hunger" that I had been hearing about, I don't feel so overwhelmed. The only time I feel a bit awkward is when I have to explain why I'm only ordering 3 ounces of food. But the craziest thing of all is I physically feel better, but I don't think I look like I've lost more than 5 pounds. I was the type of person who was skinny in her head, so having some Come To Jesus moments with myself have been eye-opening to say the least. I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone for their thoughts and words of encouragement, especially during the first few weeks when I had difficulty adjusting. Here's to 61 more pounds and 70 more years of laughter :)
