Here and There

Mar 18, 2009

Hello everyone,

Just thought I'd post a mid week update. A lot of things have been going on and have been in a reflective mood lately. As everyone knows, last year I battled with Pulmonary Embolisms. I kind of blocked all of it out because it was hard for me to wrap my head around it while it was happening. Last week was my one year anniversary, and it just got me thinking. I am so blessed to have made it through such a scary medical issue. But it was weird at the same time because my brain started to let that week replay in my mind. I remember being hooked up to everything, to having blood draws, and MRI's and CT scans every other hour it felt like, to looking like I had been severely beaten for my lunch money...all of it. And it scared me all over again. I remember having to be knocked out because I wouldn't sleep, and then feeling frustrated when I couldn't remember who it was I was talking to (the clots made me have a small stroke). I remember wanting nothing more than going home, until I got there.  I remember once I got home, all I did for a few days was lay down and cry. I was so afraid something would happen to me in my sleep that I refused to do it.  I felt like the next few months of my life were constant reminders, and I was afraid of everything.  To this day, one year later, a small sharp pain in my lungs brings me close to a panic attack.  It's taken me several months to attempt to process this.  I have the best support system in the world, but when I feel like sharing my fears, I don't know how to express what I feel. Right now I still don't.  Like I said, I remember bits and pieces, like being ok and putting up a tough front until my dad walked in my ICU room and I just crumbled, and then I remember different doctors from every specialty you could imagine poking and prodding me like I was some rare species. And then I remember my mom coming every morning to wipe me down and wait for the doctors with me because I was bed ridden for 6 days. It's like I'm beginning to go through a long overdue grieving process. After a traumatic event or loss, the second year is the hardest. I feel the same way now that I felt when my grandmother passed. Everyone has moved on with their lives, and you are somehow stuck. Some days are better than others, of course, but I still get upset when I can't remember something, or my lungs hurt, or my blood draws (that I STILL have every week) come back low. I guess what the bottom line is that I always look for patterns and meaning to everything that happens. To this day, I have no idea what the purpose of my illness was/is, and it drives me nuts. I have a lot of unanswered "Whys." I don't even know where to begin to answer them. I guess things just need more time to reveal themselves, but I'm impatient, as we all know.  I just want to say thank to everyone in advance for putting up with an emotional Sara for the next few weeks or so. I work on everyone else for a living, and right now I just need to work and focus on me :)

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