Surgiversary!

Dec 18, 2008

Today is my 1 year surgiversary.  That year went by very quickly.  I can very clearly remember being in the hospital anxiously awaiting my surgery last December. 

Before I get to rambling on about what has happened in the last year, I've got to note that my doc called with the results of my redraw.  My thiamine is now in the normal range.  Apparently, it was a little high last time, but no one bothered to mention it.  I also got the results of my ultrasound.  The gallbladder looks fine.  I still suspect I may have had a small gallstone that passed.  My pancreas and thyroid are also fine.

Back to rambling...

Last Christmas, I was one week post-op.  I looked lovely at the family Christmas all wrapped up in my surgery binder.  I was surviving on fat stores and liquids, but I was happy.  I knew my life could only get better. 

The weight came off rapidly at first, as expected.  How exciting!  It was difficult to figure out what I could tolerate and how much I could tolerate.  The worst part was crushing pills those first 6 weeks.  YUCK!

Then came the first stricture in February.  I had no clue what was going on - only that it seemed I could eat less instead of more.  Eventually, I couldn't even keep water down and the air was having a difficult time making it through the stoma, too.  I visited the local ER and got some fluids, a temporary fix.  Then I ended up at the Hurley ER where they figured I had a stricture.  I was admitted and had a 3 day stay.  Dr. Al Madani was wonderful and brought me instant relief with the scope and dialation.  I didn't know I would be back to see him so soon... only 2 weeks later, I had to have another.  The third time was a charm, and I haven't had any stricture issues since then.

In the days prior to surgery, I bought a very expensive treadmill.  I was very faithful with my exercise... in the beginning.  I started out really slow, literally, and progressed thankfully.  I can now do 30 minutes without a care, if only I made time for myself.  The bad habit of catering to everyone else is a difficult one to let go.  Call it mother guilt or just making excuses.  There were softball games and practices and then volleyball, amongst 4-H and other kid activities - all taking up my time.  On the few days that I have no other commitments, I'm either exhausted or just plain lazy.  I haven't given up completely and still make it on the treadmill - although occasionally versus consistently.  I have faith that I will get back into it as I find that it is imperative to continuing my transformation back into 'the old me'.  I used to love going to the gym, joining aerobics classes, spending all my free time biking or walking.  Maybe as my kids get less and less dependent on me, I will find myself once again doing those things on a regular basis.  For now, I'm living with the struggle to fit in exercise.

Food and associated habits could easily be the hardest part.  Early out, I was very good about choosing the foods I ate.  But in all honesty, that was because I simply didn't have much choice.  My body did not tolerate much.  I felt relieved that I no longer thought about food 24/7.  Food was not what got me through those days.  It was amazing to me that I could carry a granola bar in my purse for weeks without wanting to eat it just because I knew it was available.  Unfortunately, that doesn't last forever.  In the recent weeks/months, I've noticed some of my old food habits resurfacing.  My best defense at this point has been to acknoledge that it is a habit and not a requirement and to adjust my actions... there has been the mindless eating/boredom eating, stress eating (although not even close in frequency as pre-op), movie eating, social eating... all of these things are not bombarding me on a daily basis, but if I let them, they will! 

A big adjustment for me is trying to do things on a schedule - particularly my supplements and meals.  I'm the type of person that hates commitments and schedules, and I rarely make promises.  That type of attitude just doesn't work post-RNY.  I need to commit to my supplements.  I need to commit to eating all meals.  I need to schedule these things or they simply won't happen.  During the week, I'm very good about getting in my supplements because I sit at a desk all day and those things are readily available to me.  On the weekends, I sleep in, or I'm out the door at the crack of dawn.  That sets me up for failure in terms of getting in all supplements.  And if I'm not at home, that sets me up for not eating proper meals.   I have also learned that not getting in a steady supply of protein makes me tired, sick and cranky... not to mention it makes me crave carbs like crazy and doesn't help with my hair situation.

Oh, the hair situation... Pre-WLS, I hated getting my picture taken, because I hated facing my weight - right there in color for all to see and remember... and to compare and judge.  Post-WLS, I went through a period where I'd ask for my picture to be taken... If for nothing else than to confirm that I was losing weight.  I knew what the scale said, but my mind could not grasp it.  I would see myself in mirrors at stores and not recognize myself, seriously weird.  Then I started to get used to the new me (or the old me).  I would say, I'm back to looking like I did when...(whatever the event or year).  After taking off 13 years worth of weight gain and being at my marriage weight, a switch has flipped in my brain.  Suddenly, I'm back to thinking this isn't good enough.  I'm back to "if I were only skinny or weighted 150".  That is not how I expected to think once I got to this stage.  For months, I've been saying how it is so nice to feel 'normal' again.  And now, normal is not good enough.  What's up with that?  Have I taken for granted where I was and how far I've come in a year???  I feel guilty when these thoughts pop in my head.  I definitely need to recalibrate my thinking!  But back to my initial point...   Now, I hate getting my picture taken because I hate my thin hair and balding head.  I also don't like that no matter how I think an outfit looks on me, it never looks quite as good in pictures.   That ruins it for me.  How can I fix my brain???  How can I accept me for me???

One more rambling, and then I'll get back to work (maybe).  It is so uplifting when people notice how much weight I have lost.  My husband and kids can't stop hugging me, calling me boney... and friends referring to me as skinny.  Even if I'm not skinny, I get their point.  I have lost a lot of weight - slightly over 100 pounds or the equivalent of a small person.  Wow!  But in true fashion, that can't be good enough.  Why does it seem that I can't lose any more?  Will I ever lose more?  Can I be happy at 208 pounds?  And dang it, how can they think this is an accomplishment instead of just accepting that I finally got off the weight I should have never gained in the first place!  I am so critical of myself.  Will I ever get past that shame and guilt?

May I come back here a year from now and still have these thoughts... instead of saying "how could I let myself regain that 100 plus pounds!"  Habits and thinking must change.  That is my goal for the next year.  (I have my work cut out for me!)

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