425.8 lbs (8/19/09)

Aug 19, 2009

Yesterday I decided to go and weigh myself at my doctor's office.  I knew when I saw the numbers they had to be wrong or I had broken the scale.  It said I weighed 354 pounds.  I had it figured that I was at least 385.

So today I went to the hospital where they have scales that go up pretty high in weight.  I used to weigh myself on them when I was nearly 500 pounds.  I was so disappointed in myself.  I weigh 425.8 pounds.  I felt miserable and ashamed.  I felt sick to my stomach.

Today I started taking Alli.  Maybe not the best choice, but I need something to help me until I see my regular doctor on September 2nd.  When I see him I'm going to ask for an appetite suppressant or something else that will help me lose some weight before surgery.  After all, I have to be on a six month supervised diet before insurance will cover surgery.  Why not start right now?

I ate too much tonight.  I am so stuffed I feel sick. 

I saw the neurologist today.  She told me again that I needed to lose a lot of weight and I would feel better.  I know it's true.  I've got degenerative disk disease (arthritis) and narrowing of the spine which is pressing on nerves.  The last time I had surgery and lost weight my back pain went completely away.

I hate having to tell my regular doctor that his scales aren't weighing me right.  I'll have to tell him the truth about my weight.  I resolve to weigh myself only once per week.  I just hope I can do it this time.

I'm so ashamed of the way I look right now.  And I'm so afraid of next Friday.  I'm supposed to see my ex-boyfriend that day.  He is supposed to show up for DNA testing of our daughter cause I've filed papers on him for child support and didn't list him as the father on the birth certificate.  I don't want him to see me like this.  Oh well.  I can't lose over 100 pounds in a week.  Maybe he won't show.

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