Habits

Dec 20, 2010

Losing such a dear friend has made me very aware of my habits.  I eat.  I eat to cope.  I have been eating non-stop for the last few days.  Well, either sleeping, being depressed, or eating.  And every time I think of my friend I realize she would be kicking my butt for trying to eat to feel better.  So this morning I stuffed my lunch bag with cheese, lunch meat, tangerines, celery and peanut butter in hopes that my snacking takes a more nutritious route.  We shall see.  Luckily we don't have tons of junk laying around the office this week like we did last week.

The holidays are a time of reflection.  A time a spend with our loved ones.  A time to reflect on your year.  This year I am afraid to do that.  It hurts too much.  But in an effort to move forward I have to accept my past, and accept the changes that have been happening.  I have to remind myself that the challenges I face are nothing compared to others around me.  I need to be thankful for the blessings in my life, and believe me, there are many.  So I need to get out my negative stuff first.  We lost my husband's grandmother this year.  We lost my Great Uncle this year.  I lost two friends at work.  One of whom was the most positive, and Godly woman I have ever met.  Another co-worker has a son who was diagnosed with brain cancer, 10 years old with brain cancer.  The family of my girlfriend at work is now left without a mother, four children, no dad, and now no mother.  Then there are all the people out there without roofs over their heads or food to fill their bellies.  It is all so overwhelming. 

I have everything to be thankful for.  A loving, supportive family.  A husband who I love, and who loves me.  Two beautiful boys.  Parents who would give their last dime to ensure we have everything we need.  A best friend who gives, and gives, and gives.  A roof over my head, food in my fridge, and gifts to wrap for Christmas morning.  Life is good.

So Lord, I am here today, writing this in an effort to help rid myself of my insecurities, my need to "have".  I am a selfish, petty, wanting person.  I don't want to be mean spirited, heartless, or jealous.  I want to be thankful for everything I have, and not need more.  I want to be a spirit people want in their lives, and someone I can be proud of.  Don't let me get exhausted, but continue to fill me with your love, courage, and influence.  I want to be a better person.  I want to be a better influence on my children, and everyone around me.  Help me to be a better friend, daughter, wife, and mother.  Please help me to let you lead.  Help me to take a back seat to my wants and needs, and help me to be satisfied.  I love you Lord.  Fill me.

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