Pondering It All

Sep 27, 2011

Tomorrow I will be 31, and I am ok with that!  For once in my life I feel beautiful.  Inside and out.  I have friends in my life that are supportive of where I have been, who I am, and where I am going.  I have two amazing boys who know me as I am now, and not as a mom who wouldn't get off the couch to tuck them in at night.  I have a husband who saw me when I was invisible, and who sees me still.  My career is on an upward swing, I am being given more responsibility which is exciting and scary all at the same time.  I am ok turning 31 tomorrow.

Now it is time to move on to the real reason I am posting today.  My grandpa.  He passed away one week ago yesterday.  We had his service on Sunday out at the family ranch.  It was beautiful!  A fantastic tribute to an amazing man.  Here is a bit of background, I have always loved to sing.  My father's favorite story is of being mortified in Long John Silvers when he realized he wasn't only hearing the radio playing a Kenny Rogers song, but he was hearing his daughter singing along at the top of her lungs in the bathroom to the Kenny Rogers song.  Through the years I have grown more confident in my abilities and for a while sang every day in various choirs (high school, college, church), and was given a few solos over the years.  Despite my talent, and the kudos of those around me I never felt comfortable singing in front of an audience.  I felt like my voice was the one thing that was beautiful about me, the one thing I could protect from criticism, so I didn't want to put it out there.  Weird, I know.  So whenever I got up to sing in front of people I was nervous, nervous I wasn't good enough, and nervous that all eyes would be on me, so I never felt I did my best.  I sang at my step-grandma's funeral, and at my great Aunt's funeral along with my cousins, each time I was nervous and overly concerned about my appearance.  So when my mom asked me to sing at my grandpa's service on Sunday I realized my first thoughts didn't go to how I would look up there, but to the lack of time I would have to practice.  What a mind shift!  In the end I didn't feel I could make it through an entire song without crying so I opted to write a speech and add some song clips in as part of the speech.  It worked beautifully!  I sang part of "Count Your Blessings", and "Oh Danny Boy."  I wasn't self conscious, and by the response I got (applause), and the praise I received afterward I think I did excellent, and made my grandpa proud.

It has been an emotional week.  And I am sure the emotions will continue to fluctuate as time progresses, but for now I know my grandpa is counting me as one of his blessings too.  :)

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