Honesty

Oct 21, 2012

Being honest on here is amazingly easy.  In fact, I remind myself of that song by Brad Paisley singing about being 6'5" and how he looks damn good all because he's behind a computer chatting.  

I could sit here and say I am eating three meals a day with two snacks and not eating after 7pm.  But I eat multiple times a day, plus three meals, and I always have something after 7pm.  I am grazing.  Constantly.  I traded eating HUGE, non-stop meals for eating tiny continuous meals all day long.  

I am unhappy.  Yes, I am complaining, which is a waste of time.  But at the moment, I am not willing to do anything about it.  So why am I posting this?  Because I know I am not alone.  I know there are other women out there struggling who need to know they're not alone.  This journey.  This life long struggle we're all working, it isn't easy.  If it was easy we wouldn't need help losing weight.  We wouldn't need help keeping it off.  

But all that being said, who decided we weren't OK as we were?  Who decided we weren't OK as we are?  I recently had a counselor say I am the one who gets to decide what is right for me.  Yes, I am may not be the size and weight my doctor wants me to be, but I can be OK with myself at whatever size I decide.  So if I decide I am OK with being 239 pounds, then that is OK.  I have never been told it is OK to be who I am, and who I want to be.  I know that sounds odd.  And I know that sounds naive and silly, but MAN, being given permission to be me is such a freeing idea.

All that being said.  I am not comfortable.  I was comfortable 35 pounds ago.  Now I feel overweight.  Now I feel like I weigh 365 pounds.  Weird.  I was less self conscious as a 365 pound woman than I am as a 239 one.  I am not sure what the reason for this post is, I guess I just felt like talking tonight.

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