Jenci S.
Struggles
Oct 24, 2012
Someone wrote me a private message asking about my struggles post surgery.Oh where to begin. I guess I will begin by saying, I would have the surgery over again, despite all the pitfalls, all the struggles, all the throwing up, and all the regain. There is no doubt in my mind. Yes, I have gained some weight back, but I am no where near where I was 2.5 years ago. That is amazing to me. I am more active then I was, and I intend to stay that way. I love feeling like I can walk with my sons to the park at the drop of a hat. I like being able to take my boys to an amusement park and be able to get on the rides with them, or bounce in a bounce house. Those are all things I missed out on because of my weight, it held me back from living life.
Back to struggles. Right now I am struggling with the weight gain. I am not shy about admitting I suffer from severe depression, and am possibly even Bipolar II. I take medications daily to help, but they aren't enough and I supplement with food. I am working on finding better food choices, and upping my fluid intake. We shall see what happens.
I remember when I first had the surgery I struggled a lot with the idea that I wouldn't be able to eat whatever I wanted anymore. I was afraid of dumping. But I broke the rules, and allowed myself to eat a small amount of anything I wanted. I found I didn't dump. And actually wished I did dump because it might have been a deterrent. While I don't have dumping I do have an adverse reaction to a combination of sugar and white carbs (i know sugar is a white carb, but I mean bread, etc). I start to sweat profusely, feel sick to my stomach and nearly pass out. It last anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes. Weird, but not uncommon.
I have also struggled with realizing I can't eat as much as my brain wants to eat. You know the saying, my eyes are bigger than my stomach, well, get used to that one. I always want more than I am able to get in. That is another things to be mindful of, how full you are. I was told to eat until you're comfortable. Not full. I have more than once, more than a dozen times made myself sick because I ate too much. It is easy to do, and not much fun. You get real familiar with the porcelain throne if you're not careful. I went through a few months where I was throwing up every day. I would stuff myself and my stomach would send it all back out. Not fun.
Another thing I've struggled with has been the scale. According to my doctor I should weight 135 pounds. I never got even close to that. Lowest I ever was was 181. And that was only for 1 day! I was happy there. I was too thin for everyone around me. The scale is just a number people. The things you need to take into account are: How do I feel? Am I comfortable at this weight? Am I healthy? If your answers are yes, then in my opinion, rock that weight.
I once asked a coworker if she looked the same in her home mirror as she looked in the bathroom mirror at work. Because I swore the mirror at work was lying to me. I saw this thin woman, but didn't recognize her. I couldn't believe I was the person in the mirror. I would walk past windows and do a double take. Insanity. Was that really me? Or looking back at pictures of me after my second son was born I am amazed at that person. I will never be that big again. I refuse. I couldn't even walk up one flight of stairs in my parking garage without being out of breath, and wheezing. I never wanted to go anywhere, I was ashamed. I lived in a hole.
I want to say things get easier, but there is a total honeymoon phase when you lose without even trying. You just lose, and lose, and lose. Yes, there are plateaus, but they're short lived. Then you hit a stall. And I don't mean a week stall, I mean two, three, four weeks. You think you're done losing, and bam, you lose again. It goes like this for a while. Then there is maintenance. I maintained roughly 195 for a year. I was comfortable, and happy. I felt fantastic, and my husband was super happy with me at that weight. Then earlier this year my depression kicked in and bam, I went back to old habits and started gaining. I have stopped gaining, but am not losing. I am continuing to make bad choices. Mindless eating. Constant eating. Struggling. I'll tell you, I thought I was struggling before, but I would take the daily vomiting over where I am today.
There is no easy way through this journey. There is no "end". You will struggle, you will fall, you will succeed. It isn't easy. I haven't found it easy to accept my new body, and believe me, the changes happen so fast you hardly have time to embrace going down a size before you're down another size. It is insane. BUT FUN. WORTHWHILE. EXCITING.
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About Me
Sacramento, CA
Location
44.0
BMI
Surgery
01/11/2010
Surgery Date
Dec 22, 2009
Member Since