jennirjohn

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Oh my goodness.  I can't believe it.  In less than 3 weeks I will be having surgery.  My life is going to change forever.  But, I feel like it already has.  Already I have made the choices that I needed to.  It's all kind of scary and exciting at the same time. 

People keep asking me if I'm sure that I want to do this.  They see how much weight I have lost already and believe that I could just keep doing it on my own.  I think that I could do it on my own too.  But, I know that without this surgery I am never going to be able to keep off the weight that I want to lose.  I might lose it for a short time by myself, but I need this tool to help me.

I'm still sorting out all of my thoughts on everything.  But, I know that this is the right choice for me.  I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

So, on Monday as a pre birthday treat, I went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom.  I got a season pass there in September so I could go with my friend.  Well, when I went in September I couldn't fit on Medusa.  I didn't even try Kong because I heard the seats were smaller on that one.  Well, I have lost 25 lbs since then, so I figured I would give it a try.  And guess what!??  I fit!  Medusa was still a tight squeeze for my hips but the harness thing fit just fine, even had some room to spare.  And I figured why not try Kong too.  I fit perfectly fine on Kong.  I felt so good.  I still can't go on the wooden roller coaster Roar though because my thighs are too big.  On that ride it doesn't matter how big your stomach is, just as long as your thighs are small enough for the bar to go down.  Lame, but one day I will fit on it.

It feels so good to be able to go on roller coasters again.  I've always loved them, but in jr. high and high school there were some that I couldn't go on.  It was always so embarassing to try and then to have the worker say that they were sorry but it wasn't going to work.  I always felt like everyone was looking at me.  On Monday I even thought this skinny teenager was looking at me in line thinking to herself that there was no way that I was going to fit.  But, I did, thank you very much!  No more being embarassed when I go to amusement parks.  And as I lose weight there shouldn't be anything that I can't go on.

Hope.  I finally have hope.  All my life I have been overweight.  I was teased mercilessly all growing up, even by my own family members.  I let the things they said affect me.  I let it dictate who I was.  I saw no way that my life could ever be any different and so eventually I stopped trying. 

I hated who I was.  I hated that I was fat.  I hated that I was going to end up just like my dad and grandma.  But at the same time, I didn't want to be different than them.  I loved my dad and wanted to be just like him.  He didn't do anything about his weight, so why should I?

I had never really thought about any of this until yesterday.  I talked to my mom and a lot of things finally became clear for me.  Before there was no hope.  I knew that there was no way that I was going to ever lose all the weight I wanted and needed to on my own.  I had tried dieting and exercise before, but it didn't last.  I would give up because I wouldn't see results.  What was the point of spending all my time, energy, and money on something that was fruitless?

But now, now there is hope.  I can see the end.  I know that with the help of this "tool" I can achieve my goals.  It has given me the motivation that I need to keep losing weight now.  And it will be the motivation I need after surgery to keep going.  Finally, I know that I can be healthier; I won't have to be just the fat girl anymore.

It's 10 days until I have my psych eval and then hopefully soon after that I will find out my surgery date.  I'm hoping for March or April. 

I can't believe that this is really happening.  After many years of thinking about it in the back of my mind I finally made the decision to just go for it.  I know someone who had the VSG and I talked to her about her experience.  She has done so well.  I'll be having the RNY but it's still good to know someone personally who has been through this whole experience.

At the end of August I decided to email my pcp to find out more about wls through Kaiser.  She said I had to make an appointment.  So I went; she said I was eligible and then referred me to the program.  Two months later I was at orientation finding out more about what all of this meant.  I brought my mom with me so someone else could hear what I was hearing and help me decide.  It just kind of progressed from there.  I decided that if I was really approved for the surgery then I was going to do it.  I wasn't going to give myself an out.  I knew I was scared and a little weary of possibly dying on the operating table or afterwards from complications.

I had my consultation with the nutritionist, surgeon and case coordinator December 12.  Dr. Dennen explained a little more about the surgery and said that basically what I was doing was putting the risk upfront.  The fact of the matter is that being overweight is going to kill me, maybe not now, maybe not 20 years from now, but eventually.  That's a harsh reality to face.  I don't like to think about that.  All my life I have fought the stereotypes.  I have tried to not be what I am.  Now I am accepting the fact that yes, I am overweight.  I am fat.  I am obese.  And I will deal with that for the rest of my life.  There's no sense in hiding from it.  It's there.  It's visible.  It's what is.

But, now I am ready for things to change.  I am ready to be healthy.  I am ready to make healthy choices that I can one day instill in the lives of my children (when I have them.)  Hopefully less than half my life has been lived already.  I want the other more than 25 years to be spent enjoying life, loving who I am and even where I came from, not regretting the past but using it to succeed in the future.