jmshadowdancer
pity party
Sep 24, 2013
I'm feeling moody today. I wonder if I should just throw in the towel, because maybe my journey is done. The scale doesn't budge and I look in the mirror. To me, I don't look like a success. I weigh 315-320 pounds depending on the day. I feel selfish for even giving this so much of my effort and devotion when my kids need me to be a mom. And then I feel like a failure as a mother. I want to be Supermom, ready to save the day. But I can't even save myself from being fat. I'm in two support groups online as a last ditch effort to the support group thing which for me...I feel there is nowhere I truly belong. I'm not preop. I'm not fabulously postop looking like a bariatric barbie. I look plain fat. A fat monster with huge body parts. A self-sabatoging fool who can't keep it together and make that scale budge. What happens if this is really the end, as far as I can go? I hate myself thoroughly. I got a book on emotional healing to try to scratch the surface at least and try to work on the emotional part of it. Taking this pity party back inside my head.
