Wow moment #.....who knows, there's been so many!

Dec 23, 2009

I had a profound moment the week before Thanksgiving. I went to the mall to buy some boots for an outfit I wanted to wear. I found the boots and was sitting in the mall texting a friend when it was suggested to me that I go to Victoria’s Secret. My response to that was “I can’t fit into any of that stuff.” My friend’s reply “How do you know?” I sat there and thought about it for a long time. Finally, I got up the courage and walked down to VS.  

As I entered the store I got the usual greetings. “Can I help you find something?” “Is there anything we can help you with today.” I responded with “No, I’m ok.” Having never been able to shop in VS before I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt out of place. I felt ashamed. I wanted to be invisible. In my mind I am still the fat girl in the skinny girl store and I should not be there. The usual attitude ensued. I can take care of this by myself so please leave me alone. Us fat girls are pros at pushing people away.   I wandered around the front of store figuring out how the sizing worked and quickly realized that nothing I was looking at would fit. At the back of the store I noticed the plain bras and started to see sizes that might fit. As I stood there cursing the fact that women are even forced to put our boobs in some sort of holster another lady, a girl really about 19 yrs old and 90lbs, appeared from the dressing room area. This was our conversation.  
Girl: “Can I help you find anything?”  
Me: “No, I’m good.”  
Girl: “Well just let me know if you need help.”  
Me: “I don’t even know if I’d fit in anything you have.”  
Girl: “I could fit you.”  
Me: “Do I need an appointment?”  
Girl: “No, I can do it right now.”  
Me: “I’m not sure I’ll fit in anything.”   
Girl: “Well, we won’t know unless we measure you.”  

And this was the moment, a very decisive one at that. The thoughts raced through my head in a split second but had a huge, HUGE impact on my journey.   

You know you didn’t rearrange your insides to stand still. You can either move forward or stand still.  

There are a few moments in my life I will remember forever. When I decided to have a hysterectomy was one, this is another.  

So, needless to say she measured me and I tried on bra after bra after bra. In the beginning of the process I’d put my sweater back on and call her into the fitting room and explain what I didn’t like or what wasn’t fitting properly. At one point I just asked if I could show her and off came the sweater for the remainder of the visit. By the time I was finishing up I’d whip open the fitting room door and stand there for all to see and hear exactly what was wrong with the bra I was wearing. It was a very liberating experience, to say the least.  

One hour and $96.00 later I walked out with two of the best bras I have ever owned. I’m lifted, I’m separated and I’m supported.   Then on the drive home came the guilt. I just spent $96 on 2 bras. $96! Finding money has been tough this year. I took a pay cut, Mark had benefits reduced and there was the cost of the surgery. Even at 10% it added up to a few dollars. But money is another post……  

So I get home and talk through my experience and my guilt with my husband. He’s great. He gets it. He said “These are all new experiences for you, of course it’s going to cost some money. You’re not trying to get back to where you were because you were never there. It’s all new, brand new. Can you shop at Victoria Secrets every week? No. But for $96 you got more than just bras out of the trip.”

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