KathyM_6366

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It's been a year. I can hardly believe it. What a wild ride. I'd like to say I loved every minute of it but honestly there were some minutes I'd like to forget and never relive again.  Fortunately those minutes were few and far between.

I have lots to say (I always do LOL) but I need more time to process my thoughts and feelings.  I just wanted to get this blogged on my 1 year anniversary.

A HUGE thank you to all those that supported me over this past year.  The hardest part is still to come, so don't give up on me yet!!



And to never forget how far I've come.....

I've hit my first extended stall.  I've been 161 since the first of the year and have managed to bounce back and forth 3 lbs (depending on the time of day).  This means two things:  One, I need to leave the scale alone for awhile; Two, I need to be patient.  I'm not done losing yet. I know I'm not, but I've started to slow down now that I've reach the last 20lbs I want gone.  I knew it would happen and I can't ...won't freak out about it.   It is frustrating though.

Lets focus on the positive. I'm losing inches. Check out these totally awesome numbers!  I can't believe my year surgiversary is right around the corner.  Time sure has flown.

	3/24/09	4/24/09	5/24/2009	6/24/2009	7/24/2009	8/24/2009	9/24/2009	10/24/2009	11/24/2009	12/24/2009	1/24/2010
Right Arm	14.5	14.5	13.75	13.5		13.25	13		11.5		11
Bust	51.25	49.5	49	48.5		46.5	45		43.5		41
Waist	49	47	45	43.5		41.5	39.5		38		36.5
Hips	54	51	49	48		45.5	44		41		40
Thigh	26	24	23.5	22.5		22	21.5		20.5		20
Knee	17.5	17.5	17	16.5		15.5	15		15		15
Calf	18.5	18	17.75	17		16.5	16.5		15		15
Weight	252	233	217	208		191	185		169		161

I was checking out at Kroger yesterday and the lady ringing me up was scanning all my fresh fruits and veggies and made the comment that I had a lot of healthy food. I told her...I'll tell ya something. I had weight loss surgery so I have to eat right. She said "you did? But you're thin."   That is THE first time someone has called me thin ...EVER.  LOL.  I know I'm smaller but thin?  Meh.  She was being nice.   My fat thinking brain can accept smaller but not thin.

Anyway, I've got some fun picture of the smaller me. The pants I have on are an older pair that at one time I could not button.







































And I had to try the both legs in one pant leg......LOL


Kinda tight with both legs in there but I'll keep these pants around for this kind of comparison.  You'll seem them again when I hit my goal.



I started water aerobics at the beginning of the month.  I go three times a week.  It's fun. I feel really good when I'm done.  Who knew you could sweat when you're wet.  Okay, maybe not sweat but I get hot from the workout.

Dance class on Monday nights is fun too. I don't work up a sweat but I really enjoy it and I'm moving so I think it's all good.

In group the other night there was a man (pre-op) who asked if  WLS will change his personality. He was a happy guy, he said, and didn't want his personality to change.  I think his weight was over 400lbs.

I've thought about his question now for a few days.  Maybe "change" isn't the right word. Maybe the real question is how does WLS effect me?  You can't drop all the excess weight and not have it effect you in some  fundamental areas of your life.  The weight loss touches you, in some very deep meaningful places.  Little everyday things are different.  Who of us morbidly obese can relate to walking into a room, see the seating available and wonder if you'll fit into a chair AND if it will hold you? The shame and fear that goes along with that type of thinking is overwhelming.

When you finally lose the majority of the weight and you can sit in an airplane seat comfortably (and even cross your legs!)  or you can go to the theater because you can fit in the seats  or you can fit through a turn style and not have to find someone to open the gate for you to walk through or you can go someplace new and not have to worry about if there will be a place to sit that is big enough and strong enough to hold you....there is no more shame and fear. It's replaced by elation, excitement and even a feeling of normalcy, and then comes the confidence and being fearless...

So, can you be happy at 400lbs?  Absolutely.  But for me to believe that in the deep dark places, way on the inside, that there is no fear and shame that touch you at the core, well...your feelings would have to be made of steel.

I can tell you, from my own personal experience of being overweight my entire life (my medical records from the 3rd grade said obese) that cleaning out those deep dark pockets of shame and fear has brought a feeling of freedom I have never felt before. It's like spring cleaning for the soul. Who wouldn't want to clean that nastiness out of their life? 

Two weeks ago my partner for ballroom dancing class said he couldn't make it. I struggled all day with deciding if I should go on my own or not. I even drove 1/3 of the way home all the while having a mental wrestling match about it.  I like the class. I have fun. I wanted to go. My going shouldn't depend on someone elses schedule. I'm embarrassed to show up by myself.  What if I have to dance with the teacher?  I stopped my care at a four way stop. Turning left would take me home. Turning right would take me to dance class.

I had another one of those moments where thoughts raced through my head, the main one being: STOP LIVING IN FEAR. Who cares if you don't have a partner? Who cares if you have to dance with the teacher? (which, btw, is totally awesome because they know what they are doing).  You look amazing, you FEEL amazing,  there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I will not let FEAR win!

I turned right and had a great time.

Does weight loss surgery change you? Only if you let it, but there are so many good reasons to let it.

I whipped this one up this morning!

Multigrain Pancakes

Ingredients

3/4 cup of Multigrain pancake mix
3/4 cup of ff milk
1 egg
2 Tbs of oil
1/2 cup of chopped nuts (I used almonds)
1/2 cup of Blueberries
1 tbsp of splenda
2 Tbs of Torani Sugar Free Syrup

Directions

Put blueberries in bowl and sprinkle with Splenda.

Mix together pancake mix, milk, egg and oil. Then gently stir in nuts. Fold in blueberries. I ended up adding a little more pancake mix because it seemed too thin, but that's a personal choice.

Heat griddle and spary with Pam. Pour batter onto griddle forming 4 small circles, about the size of a baseball. Cook until batter starts to bubble. Check underside of pancakes to see if browned (don't burn them!) and flip.

Pour some sugar free Vanilla Torani syrup on top and enjoy!

I got 8 pancakes from this and was able to eat almost two (9 months out). They were yummy.

Number of Servings: 4

Recipe submitted by SparkPeople user KATHYM6366.

Number of Servings: 4

Nutrition Facts
Servings Per Recipe: 4
Serving Size: 1 serving
Amount Per Serving
Calories		290.1
Total Fat		15.5 g
	Saturated Fat	1.4 g
	Polyunsaturated Fat	3.7 g
	Monounsaturated Fat	8.5 g
Cholesterol		54.0 mg
Sodium		290.0 mg
Potassium		188.3 mg
Total Carbohydrate		21.2 g
	Dietary Fiber	2.9 g
	Sugars	3.2 g
Protein		7.7 g

    I've started experimenting with recipes. I've got some great ideas from The World According to Eggface (www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com) but I've added a few of my own ingredients to help get them to a taste that I like because we all know we don't like the same tastes after surgery.

I needed to find something I could take for the holiday pitch-in at work and to the in-laws on Christmas Eve.  I thought fruit would be good, not only for me, but for everyone.  Here is what I came up with:

Fruit Dip
8oz low fat cream cheese
1/4 cup low fat Ricotta cheese
3 or 4 Tablespoons Sugar Free Torani Vanilla Syrup
2 Tablespoons of Greek Yogurt (optional - used to thin out mixture)
1 tablespoon of Splenda
dash of Cinnamon
Various fresh fruit for dipping - apples, pineapple, strawberries etc

mix ingredients together ( not the fruit ;-)) and plate with fruit. 



Stuffed Strawberries
12 Large Red Ripe Strawberries, washed & cored.
8oz low fat cream cheese
1/4 cup low fat Ricotta Cheese
3 or 4 Tablespoons Sugar Free Torani Vanilla Syrup 
2 Tablespoons of sugar free vanilla pudding mix
1 tablespoon of Splenda
dash of Cinnamon
Chopped Walnuts  
Mix all together (except nuts) and fill Strawberries, then dip top of filled strawberry into the nuts. Enjoy!


The "base" for both of these are exactly the same.  Once I got the cheeses, syrup and splenda all mixed up I split the batch into two.  For the dip I continued to thin out the cheese mixture with more syrup and some greek yogurt. For the stuffing I added the pudding which thickens it up. Starting with one big batch saves time and makes it easier!

 

I had a profound moment the week before Thanksgiving. I went to the mall to buy some boots for an outfit I wanted to wear. I found the boots and was sitting in the mall texting a friend when it was suggested to me that I go to Victoria’s Secret. My response to that was “I can’t fit into any of that stuff.” My friend’s reply “How do you know?” I sat there and thought about it for a long time. Finally, I got up the courage and walked down to VS.  

As I entered the store I got the usual greetings. “Can I help you find something?” “Is there anything we can help you with today.” I responded with “No, I’m ok.” Having never been able to shop in VS before I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt out of place. I felt ashamed. I wanted to be invisible. In my mind I am still the fat girl in the skinny girl store and I should not be there. The usual attitude ensued. I can take care of this by myself so please leave me alone. Us fat girls are pros at pushing people away.   I wandered around the front of store figuring out how the sizing worked and quickly realized that nothing I was looking at would fit. At the back of the store I noticed the plain bras and started to see sizes that might fit. As I stood there cursing the fact that women are even forced to put our boobs in some sort of holster another lady, a girl really about 19 yrs old and 90lbs, appeared from the dressing room area. This was our conversation.  
Girl: “Can I help you find anything?”  
Me: “No, I’m good.”  
Girl: “Well just let me know if you need help.”  
Me: “I don’t even know if I’d fit in anything you have.”  
Girl: “I could fit you.”  
Me: “Do I need an appointment?”  
Girl: “No, I can do it right now.”  
Me: “I’m not sure I’ll fit in anything.”   
Girl: “Well, we won’t know unless we measure you.”  

And this was the moment, a very decisive one at that. The thoughts raced through my head in a split second but had a huge, HUGE impact on my journey.   

You know you didn’t rearrange your insides to stand still. You can either move forward or stand still.  

There are a few moments in my life I will remember forever. When I decided to have a hysterectomy was one, this is another.  

So, needless to say she measured me and I tried on bra after bra after bra. In the beginning of the process I’d put my sweater back on and call her into the fitting room and explain what I didn’t like or what wasn’t fitting properly. At one point I just asked if I could show her and off came the sweater for the remainder of the visit. By the time I was finishing up I’d whip open the fitting room door and stand there for all to see and hear exactly what was wrong with the bra I was wearing. It was a very liberating experience, to say the least.  

One hour and $96.00 later I walked out with two of the best bras I have ever owned. I’m lifted, I’m separated and I’m supported.   Then on the drive home came the guilt. I just spent $96 on 2 bras. $96! Finding money has been tough this year. I took a pay cut, Mark had benefits reduced and there was the cost of the surgery. Even at 10% it added up to a few dollars. But money is another post……  

So I get home and talk through my experience and my guilt with my husband. He’s great. He gets it. He said “These are all new experiences for you, of course it’s going to cost some money. You’re not trying to get back to where you were because you were never there. It’s all new, brand new. Can you shop at Victoria Secrets every week? No. But for $96 you got more than just bras out of the trip.”

One pair size 10 jeans:  $28.00
One fake wedding ring size 8:  $15.00
Crossing my legs while flying coach: priceless
Boots that zip over my calfs: priceless
Fighting with my sister over a  skirt: priceless
Buying my first Victoria Secret bra: priceless (the "girls" appreciate it too)

I could go on and on but I'll stop there

Life's been busy and I missed last month but I'm still making progress. Yippie!!!!  I made it through Thanksgiving just fine thanks to my very thoughtful friend who made sure there was food I could eat.  She used 6 different crock pots so that the food I couldn't have was not sitting out to tempt me. LOL.  I took my measuring cup and made sure I used it.  I tried a crustless pumpkin pie and it was ok but not great.  

Now I'm working on Christmas.  I've asked that no one gives me any cookies, candies or food items of any kind because I'd only throw it away. I'm getting tired of wasting food. But I am looking up bariatric treats so that when we go over to someones house I can take things with me I can eat.

So far this holiday season....so good.

	3/24/09	4/24/09	5/24/2009	6/24/2009	7/24/2009	8/24/2009	9/24/2009	10/24/2009	11/24/2009
Right Arm	14.5	14.5	13.75	13.5		13.25	13		11.5
Bust	51.25	49.5	49	48.5		46.5	45		43.5
Waist	49	47	45	43.5		41.5	39.5		38
Hips	54	51	49	48		45.5	44		41
Thigh	26	24	23.5	22.5		22	21.5		20.5
Knee	17.5	17.5	17	16.5		15.5	15		15
Calf	18.5	18	17.75	17		16.5	16.5		15
Weight	252	233	217	208		191	185		169

There is so much...soooo much. I don't know where to start.....

how about stats.  I had blood work done and things look really good considering I'm off all my meds. A couple things still aren't perfect but there is definately an improvement.

Test	Range	9/14/2009	7/1/2009	Surgery 3/24/09 - Off all meds	12/18/2008	8/28/2008	6/13/2008	Lipitor	5/14/2007
A1C	less than 6%	5.5			6		5.9
Glucose	70 - 99	91	104		108	128	111
Cholesterol	Less than 200	168	123		159	167	140		229
HDL (good)	50 or higher	31	31		31	31	28		37
LDL (bad)	Less than 100	118	72		93	112	90		167
Tryglycerides	Less than 150	93	102		176	118	108		127
ALT (liver)	5 -  40		60		37	57	64		50
AST (liver)	7 - 56		39		31	40	43		40

The weight is still coming off too and the inches are disappearing. 

	3/24/09	4/24/09	5/24/2009	6/24/2009	7/24/2009	8/24/2009	9/24/2009
Right Arm	14.5	14.5	13.75	13.5		13.25	13
Bust	51.25	49.5	49	48.5		46.5	45
Waist	49	47	45	43.5		41.5	39.5
Hips	54	51	49	48		45.5	44
Thigh	26	24	23.5	22.5		22	21.5
Knee	17.5	17.5	17	16.5		15.5	15
Calf	18.5	18	17.75	17		16.5	16.5
Weight	252	233	217	208		191	185

Almost 10 inches off my waist and hips.  10 INCHES!!!!  Holy Crap!

There was one part of my wardrobe that I had been ignoring because it seems kind of strange.  But after getting down to only two pairs of shoes I had to take action.  My shoe size went from a 9W to 8 1/2 M.  It's so weird to think my feet changed size too.  At the last support group meeting someone was talking about a clothing exchange and how a group memeber donated his clothes includes some shoes that were just too wide for him any more.   Early on, when I first started going to support group someone asked about foot size and the nurse said yes that feet do get smaller.  It was one of those things that I knew but didn't really know.  I suppose it's one thing to know it and another to live it.  Anyway, still wanting to be careful about the money I'm spending tired on a few shoes at the Goodwill but, I don't know.  The shoes didn't feel right.  Everyone walks a little different and wears out their shoes in different places. For me, it just felt odd, so I went to the cheapest shoe store I knew, Payless Shoe Source. 

I've always liked Payless. They carried a variety of wide widths before other stores had them.  Their prices are always reasonable too.  I find it hard to spend $50+ on a pair of shoes maybe because I've always got very low heals or flats.  Trying to put 262lbs on top of a 2.5 inch pump is not comfortable to say the least.    So one day at work my BFF and I hit Payless during lunch.   She is my BFF for a reason. I was so excited about the shoes I spent almost a good solid hour trying on everything I saw that was cute, no matter what the heel size.  She was patient while I indulged and squealed like a school girl.  There was just something so...so.....grown up in a woman sort of way about it.   And boots!! OMG!  I could never buy stylish boots because they never fit around my calfs. I could never zip them.  Not a problem any more!  I tried on boots after boots  after boots!  It was totally awesome.  I didn't buy any that day but we narrowed it down to 4 pair.  The following weekend Mark and I went to a different Payless.  He had to sit and endure the same thing my BFF did.  In the end I came away with three pairs of pumps and two pairs of boots!!!! 

I have to talk about Goodwill for a bit. I have found a Goodwill that I .  Sept 19th  was half off day at Goodwill.  I got up early (it was a saturday) and decided to drive over and wait until they opened.  I figured no one else would be there.  HA!  There must have been 30 people waiting at the door.  It was a freakin' mad house.  I spent just over 2 hours there and boy did I score!  8 pairs of pants, 2 pairsof sweatpants, two sweaters, a suede jacket and a purse all for....ready....drum roll......$30! I felt like a seasoned GW shopper.  I got myself a cart and stood my ground in the aisles as I touched and looked at every pairs of pant and jeans on the racks.   I also tried everything on.  I wheeled my cart in and took about 30 minutes taking off and sorting through the clothes. WooHoo!  It was a good shopping day at the GW.  

I figure I'm somewhere between a 14 and 12.  I have clothes in both those sizes and some fit, some are too big and some are too smal.  Probably all just par for the course.  It's still an exciting journey.

Some of the things I'm still struggling with....
...food being ok one day and then not the next, like eggs.
...my body feeling different.  It really freaks me out when I touch some part of my body and it feels different. I touch my hands or my hip or around my neck and I feel bones.  It takes my mind a few seconds to adjust.  Weird.
...graciously taking compliments. I've never been good with taking them so I'm working hard at just smiling, accepting and saying a heart felt thank you.
...being cold.  I'm always cold. My insulation is dwindling I guess.  I need new slippers. LOL
...exercising. I have to find an active hobby I like.  I'll go to the gym but it's boring.  Something to keep working on.


Finally, my 6 months pictures. I've been putting off posting them because I don't like them.  Don't ask me why.



I had to come back and edit this. I didn't want to leave saying I didn't like my 6 month pics so I went back and looked at my pre-op pics. Guess what?  I LOVE my 6 month pics!!!!

So here's a funny.....names have been changed to protect the no so innocent...

I'm outside on the patio at work taking a break with some of the guys from my department.  A lady, Betty,  I know comes out and says to me "You look really really different."  Now, I had just got my hair cut of the Saturday before. Anyway, she looks me up and down and says "you look really different. You cut your hair!"  I said that yes I had.  She's quiet for awhile and then says again "No, you look realy different.  You lose weight?"  I smiled and said yes I have.  Then she asks, like people seem to, how I was doing it. So I told her about the surgery. It's no secret. She asked some more questions and I answered them.  Then before I leave she says one more time "You look really different...really good, but I didn't recognize you at first. That hair cut threw me off."

After guys and I had went back inside one of them says to me "Yeah Betty, is was a 70 lb hair cut!"  LMAO

So TODAY I was standing talking to a few people and they were laughing at something down the aisle so I turned to look to see a guy in another cube staring at me. I just kinda glanced at him then went on with my conversation.  As soon as I got back to my desk he scurried over and said "I didn't recognize you. I was wondering who was standing there and then you turned around...  You got your hair cut.  I didn't mean to stare at you, but your hair is different."  Now this guy would never say anything about the OTHER changes, but there was an underlying tone.

Once he leaves I message my friend in the department and say " The 70lb hair cut strikes again!" 

So, why did I chop off my hair?  Plain and simple, hair loss.  I have a lot of hair BUT it still freaked me out a bit. I figured if it wasn't as long it would look like as much....so off it came. It will grow back.   It's kind of tough when the ONE thing you liked about yourself starts to fail.  Fortunately it seems that as quickly as it started, it is stopping.  I'm still losing more than what I consider normal, but not like it has been the last few weeks. There was one day in the shower where I ran my fingers through my hair to rinse it and I heard a plop hit the shower floor. It was a bunch of hair.  After that is when it got cut.

I was having a conversation with my best friend today, we were looking at the before and after pictures here on OH and marveling over all the brave people and the amazing changes when I said something like "I'm not sure I'll ever look like that." She made me stop and look her and then says "You have no idea what you look like." I kind of blinked a couple of times and finally said "I guess not."  So, it's true what I've read. The mind takes some time to catch up with the body.  How long is it going to take for them to be in sync? It's very different to think about yourself in one way and actually be another. I've got to think about this some more but it's strange.

Stats and pics for this month! WooHoo!!

	3/24/09	4/24/09	5/24/2009	6/24/2009	7/24/2009	8/24/2009
Right Arm	14.5	14.5	13.75	13.5		13.25
Bust	51.25	49.5	49	48.5		46.5
Waist	49	47	45	43.5		41.5
Hips	54	51	49	48		45.5
Thigh	26	24	23.5	22.5		22
Knee	17.5	17.5	17	16.5		15.5
Calf	18.5	18	17.75	17		16.5
Weight	252	233	217	208		191

Ignore the socks.....my feet were cold!  I'm cold all the time lately!! and I didn't do my hair that day so it doesn't look very good. LOL

I have 4 months under my belt. I've have learned a few things this last month and had some amazing milestones...

Top Six things I learned in the last 30 days (some the hard way)...
6) Get used to people who know, staring at me.  People are curious.
5) Eat slower!!
4) If the meat LOOKS dry it probably is, so don't eat it
3) Follow the meal plan and measure my food!
2) I am not alone in my struggle or my journey
and the number one thing..
1) My pouch IS working like it should. Be kind to it and it will be kind to me.


Top four milestones....
4) Shopped in the misses department for the first time in probably 15 years
3) Bought a pair of size 14 jeans for the first time in....well, a VERY long time
2)  Got on the scale this morning and it read....drum roll...199.9 Woo Freakin' Hoo! Under 200 lbs for the first time...well, in I don't know when because I never used to weigh myself!  It's not much under but 2 is not the first number!! I'll take it!
and the number one milestone
1) I've been taken off all my blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol meds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was my main goal when I started this process back on Aug 22, 2008 when I attened the orientation.  I wanted off the meds. Period.  There have been other goals and I'm slowing achieving those as well.  No longer do I have shoulder, hip or foot pain.  I spent about 5 hours on my feet two weeks ago at the Zoo and had absolultely no trouble. No arch supports needed, thank you very much.  Wasn't even sore the next day. 

My mind has this thing where it can't exactly wrap itself around the concept of me getting to my goal weight.  I can't picture it and i don't believe in it.   I'm trying but most of the time it's just not there for me.  But, what I can do is  try and enjoy my milestones when they happen. To live in the moment and appreciate them fully.  I think we live in a world today whert it is all about what happens next. How do I get there...when will I get there, etc.   What about the now?   I plucked those size 14 jeans off the rack at Goodwill today and the entire walk to the dressing room I kept thinking "No WAY are they gonna fit" but they did! I could button them and I could breathe!  and I smiled big.   I'm not going to worry about my goal weight today. No, today is going to spent singing a little song in my head (maybe sometimes outloud, who knows) " I gotta pair of sized 14 jeans. I gotta pair of sized 14 jeans." 


"Life is complicated and not for the timid."  Garrison Keillor








Look at them gorgeous toes!! LOL