My word for 2010: FEARLESS!

Jan 06, 2010

In group the other night there was a man (pre-op) who asked if  WLS will change his personality. He was a happy guy, he said, and didn't want his personality to change.  I think his weight was over 400lbs.

I've thought about his question now for a few days.  Maybe "change" isn't the right word. Maybe the real question is how does WLS effect me?  You can't drop all the excess weight and not have it effect you in some  fundamental areas of your life.  The weight loss touches you, in some very deep meaningful places.  Little everyday things are different.  Who of us morbidly obese can relate to walking into a room, see the seating available and wonder if you'll fit into a chair AND if it will hold you? The shame and fear that goes along with that type of thinking is overwhelming.

When you finally lose the majority of the weight and you can sit in an airplane seat comfortably (and even cross your legs!)  or you can go to the theater because you can fit in the seats  or you can fit through a turn style and not have to find someone to open the gate for you to walk through or you can go someplace new and not have to worry about if there will be a place to sit that is big enough and strong enough to hold you....there is no more shame and fear. It's replaced by elation, excitement and even a feeling of normalcy, and then comes the confidence and being fearless...

So, can you be happy at 400lbs?  Absolutely.  But for me to believe that in the deep dark places, way on the inside, that there is no fear and shame that touch you at the core, well...your feelings would have to be made of steel.

I can tell you, from my own personal experience of being overweight my entire life (my medical records from the 3rd grade said obese) that cleaning out those deep dark pockets of shame and fear has brought a feeling of freedom I have never felt before. It's like spring cleaning for the soul. Who wouldn't want to clean that nastiness out of their life? 

Two weeks ago my partner for ballroom dancing class said he couldn't make it. I struggled all day with deciding if I should go on my own or not. I even drove 1/3 of the way home all the while having a mental wrestling match about it.  I like the class. I have fun. I wanted to go. My going shouldn't depend on someone elses schedule. I'm embarrassed to show up by myself.  What if I have to dance with the teacher?  I stopped my care at a four way stop. Turning left would take me home. Turning right would take me to dance class.

I had another one of those moments where thoughts raced through my head, the main one being: STOP LIVING IN FEAR. Who cares if you don't have a partner? Who cares if you have to dance with the teacher? (which, btw, is totally awesome because they know what they are doing).  You look amazing, you FEEL amazing,  there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I will not let FEAR win!

I turned right and had a great time.

Does weight loss surgery change you? Only if you let it, but there are so many good reasons to let it.

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