kellybell

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I "forgot" to mention that it's my baby's FIRST birthday the DAY before my surgery. What was I thinking? My baby turns into a toddler, and then I have a major, life altering surgery? I must be brain dead.

And to think, this time last year, I was 38 weeks pregnant, and I STILL weighed about 36 lbs less than I do now (and before the pregnancy, I was a whopping 73 lbs lighter!) 

Soooo much has changed in this last year. 

What will this next year be like?

Oh me, oh my, 14 days to go! 

I'm kinda scared. Not of the surgery. Of failing. 

I know I am taking out my agnst by shopping. On ebay. I can't stop. I've spent over $100 in the past week on stuff from ebay. I will tell you, one of the worst things to happen to a compulsive shopper.... is to have a baby. There are SOOOOO many things you need/want to buy for your baby. It's crazy!

now THAT is a problem. What, I can't eat anymore, so I have to make my wallet lighter? This is a problem. Not a new problem, but a problem none the less. "My ebay" is full of watched items. (i watch until about 45 seconds before the bid closes, and then bid. I've lost a lot of items this way, but I've also beat a bunch of crazy bidders this way too!) 

ANYWAY! If I didn't mention before, only 14 days to go! WOW!

20 days

20 days

20 days

Yikes. My baby will be turning one year old, and the next day, I will be going through a major life change.

I'm scared to close this door.

The other side is so unknown.

this website i just found. It's crazy addictive.

http://www.confessionpost.com/

I posted about 6 confessions.

I have a lot to hide.

Boy, oh boy. I just can't stay away from ebay.... Everytime I spend a few months away, I go on there to look for something (in this case, a cake topper for my son's 1st birthday cake) and I end up spending oh,,, about $100. It's all for my son, of course, except 9 paperback books (nicholas sparks) I got for $20. I love to read, so these are great for me. 

I bought a bunch of gymboree clothes for him. That stuff is WAY too expensive for me to buy in a store, but you can but it New With Tags on ebay for about 30% off the store prices. They're still expensive, but I make sure to get mix and match pieces so I can make a few different outfits from them

Plus I LOVE getting packages in the mail. 

It is the other thing I think about all the time, besides food....

I've decided that I need to go to bed earlier. The less time I am awake during my "weak" time of day (late at night) the better off i will be. This is the first of many changes  I will be making.

So I'm going to bed by 1 tonight, and hopefully I'll push it up about every week by a 1/2 hr, so by my surgery, I will be going to bed at around 12. That is much better for me.

Ok, I only have 15 mins left till 1 am an I still have to switch the laundry and unload the dishwasher.

Well, surgery date is creeping up, and so is my weight. I SWORE I wouldn't suffer from the dreaded "last meal syndrome." You know, where you eat anything you want and say, well I better eat it now, cuz I can't after my surgery???

Wellllllllll, it's happened. I have to get "rid" of everything in my house that I don't want around, and that's not easy, certainally not when I have an 11 month old son, and I live with a 21 yr old man-child that loves to eat oatmeal creme pies, and hot pockets! And I could resist it before, but for some reason, now, I CANNOT. 

And I am MUCH more aware about how much of my food intake is emotionally related. I'm shocked actually... And I always wondered why I would eat the same foods all the time. I always have Sugar-free pudding, popcorn, and queso/tortilla chips. These are my comfort foods I think. Going through this custody thing with my ex has really made me more aware of my emotional eating... And I'm very worried about how that will effect me after surgery when it's no longer an OPTION to eat eat eat...

And people wonder why I get mad when other's talk about surgery as "the easy way out."

YEAH RIGHT......

and.... I just ate about 4 big spoonfulls of chocolate chip cookie dough. NOT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM, JUST PLAIN OLD CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH! Yuckkkkk. I feel sick now, both mentally and physically. 

So, after making the recent discovery (uhh about 9 hrs ago) that I am an emotional eater I thought I might begin the healing process. 

Nope.

It's worse than before. 

Now I feel BAD that I'm an emotional eater, when I thought for so long that I just ate out of boredom or habit.  I know it's sooooo hard to self-actualize your issues, but I didn't think I was this bad! I knew I was loud, and sarcastic, and a drama queen, but now, for the first time in my life, I actually feel FAT. I hate, abhor, loathe, the word FAT, but that's how I feel. 

I always called myself heavy, or overweight, or a big girl, but NEVER EVER EVER FAT. Yuck. Who knew that this process would make me feel WORSE about myself. But I know that this is a process, just like any life changing event. There are stages you'll go through throughout the whole process.

1. Awareness – of why the change is needed
2. Desire – to support and participate in the change
3. Knowledge – of how to change
4. Ability – to implement new skills and behaviors
5. Reinforcement – to sustain the change

or

1. Consciousness-raising —like researching on the internet, or logging on to obesityhelp! realising that you need outside help managing your weight
   
   
2. Relief — blogging... talking to friends or a counslor,  writing in a journal
   
   
3. Self Re-evaluation — seeing yourself as a fit healthy person
   
   
4. Environmental Re-evaluation —  realizing that your weight may affect your  children, or your future with them
   
5. Self Liberation — choosing and committing to act (having weight loss surgery)
   
6. Social Liberation — societal support for healthier behaviors (e.g., "no fail enviornment", support from you family and friends... using your member card at a resturant so they allow you to order smaller portions)
   
   
7. Counter-conditioning — substituting healthier alternatives for problem behaviors (e.g., using relaxation or meditation techniques, how to avoid emotional eating, and grazing)
   
   
8. Stimulus Control — avoiding triggers and cues (e.g., avoiding "all you can eat" resturants, skipping the ice cream or baked goods isle at the supermarket)
   
   
9. Contingency Management — increasing the rewards of positive behavioral change and decreasing the rewards of the unhealthy behavior (e.g., buying new clothes after losing weight instead of eating dessert because you reached a goal)
   
   
10. Helping Relationships — seeking and using a strong support system of family, friends, and co-workers.

I really feel like I will have to mourn my old self, and my old life. I had to go through a similar process when I became a mother.

I was no longer the carefree, do what I want-when I want, stay up till 4 am, party all weekend, person that I was before I became a mom. I had to let that part of me go, and develop my new self.

And I'll tell you, it was worth every single mintue of crying that I did when I was missing hanging out with the girls, or deciding to go on a road trip on a saturday afternoon. I don't regret one single thing about it. 

And I've gotten so so so much more in return...
It isn't "easy." It isn't in the same ball park as "easy." It doesn't live on the same planet as "easy."

And yet somehow, I wake up everyday knowing that I would never ever change it even if I had a million chances to.

I'm sure wls won't be as profound a moment as becoming a mother, but I'm sure I'll be going through a similar process.

it'll be hard at first to learn about my new stomach, and what it can handle, and how to treat it with care. I'll make some mistakes, but me and my stomach will get through it. I'll get used to chewing every bite a million times, and not drinking water with my meal. I'll learn about my pouch. I'll be sad that it's not just me and my old stomach any more. I'll mourn a little bit for the ice cream and the fried chicken that me and my old stomach used to share,  but me and my pouch will learn to love protein shakes, and pureed chicken together. I'll resist at first, but eventually, it will become a habit for me. Like waking up and brushing my teeth. It will become part of my routine.  And I'll start to forget what my life was like before. And I'll become a different person. Not because a piece of plastic in my tummy, or the fact that I'll lose half my body weight, but because I'll learn to think differently. I'll be "mentally" thin.

I good quote I heard about motherhood: "When you become a mother, you will forever think twice. You will think once for yourself, and then once for your child."

I think this will be similar -- "When you have wls, you will think once for your "fat" self, and once for your new stomach."

Just because I want to eat it, doesnt mean my tummy wants me to!

I know this is loooooooooooooong and kinda kookie stuff. I don't know where it all came from. I hope they don't have me commited for this! I feel much better now!

I've been reading more and more about emotional eating, and I gotta say--- I really didn't think I was an emotional eater. I know I have problems with portion control and the TYPE of food that I eat, but the more and more I look deep inside myself, I realize the truth...

I am an emotional eater.

Wow. It feels really great to be able to write that. Knowing your obstacles for weightloss are half the battle.

OOOOh there is so much more I want to write, but I have to leave for work in 3 mintues!

36 days till my surgery.... WOW WOW WOW! I've already started stocking up on protein powder, chicken and beef broth, sugar free jello, sugar free carnation instant breakfast, and Slim-Fast-low carb meal replacment shakes... This stuff is pretty expensive, but when you factor in that you'll only be eating a max of about 30 oz of food (or liquids at first) per day, it isn't really that much! I would spend WAY more than that for groceries for myself for 2 weeks worth of food.

Who knew that saving $$$ would be a side effect of WLS!

i'll write soon. Blogging is such a release for me!

I have 41 days left until my surgery, and I gotta say, I'm getting very nervous. I'm really nervous that I'm making the wrong choice. I'm wondering if the lap-band is the right choice for me. I KNOW I can do it in the begining- I've lost 78 lbs on my own, and I truly believe that if I hadn't gotten pregnant and quit smoking, I would have lost even more. I gained about 49 lbs durning my pregnancy, and about 30 since then. I don't really know what happened, but I have a lot of resentment about that. 

I don't resent my son, but I do resent his father... he's just a jerk anyway, and that doesn't help. Last week,  I saw him for the first time since I found out I was pregnant (which was about 17 mths, and almost 90 lbs ago) and I could tell he was shocked about how much weight I had gained. He didn't say anything about it, but I could tell he noticed. And it doesn't help that he is just adorable. I hate him, but he's so cute, it's tough! And I see so much of him in my son, and I just ADORE my son, so it's really hard!!!!

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should be having the gastric bypass instead of the lap-band...  There is so many different benefits to the gastric, although I have never even thought twice about in so far. Just today for some reason... Everyone I've talked to recomends the LAP, but I'm just worried that i'm not gonna use the "tool" correctly. With gastric, you don't really have a choice...

I bet this is pretty normal though, to have second thoughts about a surgery that's gonna change your life FOREVER....

We'll see