KellyHig

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Here it is November 2010 and I am at 201 lbs.  Ahhhg!

Even if I'm the only one who is reading this, I need to record for posterity.  I'm back up to 188.  I need to get back on the wagon.  Seeing my before picture was a good jump start--wow, I feel now how I looked back then. 

I can't believe it has been October since last I wrote.  I haven't lost any weight, in fact I gained 5 lbs.  I've been discouraged with my lack of ongoing weight loss.  My knee has prevented me from getting reinvolved into Martial Arts.  The weather around home has been horrible for running outside, and my local gym is not real woman-friendly.  And the excuses continue.  All that to say is that I am waiting for summer to jump start my work out routine again.  I don't want to be one of those who gain back all the weight following surgery.  I want to loose 38 more pounds.  In reality 5 pounds is not a significant weight gain, but its easy to feel like major ground has been lost.  I've been at 178 for several months.  Before weight loss surgery I never really maintained my weight., so even in this disappointing time, I can see that the mark for success needs to reflect a combination of the losing and the staying. Hmmmm, sounds like an anology of life, but this is my reality.

Since last I wrote, I've started up running again.  I have this wierd little walk-run jaunt thing going on, but at least my heart gets pumping and my rump gets moving.  Last night I actually ran about 2.5 miles on the street, and my knee didn't seem to have an issue with it--praise God!  No, I didn't gain weight without exercise, but I did get flabby and gained inches, esp. around my hips and thighs. 

In light of this whole losing weight-gaining health journey, I do appreciate how the slow downs and plateaus help my vision in the mirror and how I see myself in my mind to synch.  I've always struggled with the inconsistency of the mind-mirror world.  In high school I saw a fat girl when in reality I was at a normal healthy weight.  As I grew to my biggest weight, I never saw a morbidly- obese person in the mirror.  I saw something a little less.  But I was horrified when I would see myself in pictures. To this day, I feel very strange "swimming" in clothes that were once too small on me. 

I'm hoping that my next post will show more weight off.  I've been at 180ish for about 3 months.  Part of it was my knee injury, but I've mostly had horrible eating habits.  On the other hand, I've never maintained my weight for 3 months before.  I have confidence that I can keep and maintain my weight, once I get down to the right weight.

It has been a slow month.  Last month, I tore the medial miniscus in my right  knee, from a crescent kick in Karate.  While I am glad I didn't have that kind of injury when I was 74 pounds heavier, I was disgusted with the "no exercise" I had  for a month.  While I did not gain any weight, I sure did get flabby.  I've been getting that cat-in-the-sack feeling and then depression as a result of NO EXCERCISE.  Gosh, I really need to move my body.  I can't believe what a checks and balance system aerobic, weight-lifting work has been to me.  I was cleared today by orthopedic doctor to bicycle and do light walking, and light weights.  I can't wait to start up tomorrow morning.  Its time to take off my final 40 pounds!!!!

I can't believe I cannot exercise for about a month:-(  Tuesday, August 12th, I was about half way through my Karate class, and my right knee hyperextended which resulted in a torn meniscus ( the cartilage under my knee cap).  While I'm grateful it isn't more serious, I'm grounded on exercise for about a month.  Prior to horrible injury I was running regularly 3 miles, about 3x a week, taking Karate twice a week, golf, and some tennis.  Much of my weight loss has been from working out.  Now I feel that my sneaking, cheating, or bad food choices will "find me out" when the calorie-burning method has been put on ice (or under ice at the moment).  I'm discouraged as my first 5K run was suppose to be at the end of September.  For those who are inclined, please keep me in your prayers for quick healing.  Yes, I will follow doctor's orders, and yes, I guess this is a wake-up call to clean up my eating.  I have been holding at 180.  May it stay the same during recovery--that's what I will aim for.

Just a quick post here tonight.  I've just broken through a 3 week plateau.  Today I was amazed to see a new number greet me on the scale--181.  I seriously need to clean up my diet, but I think the plateau broke by increasing my water intake.  I must keep drinking to ward off snacking and cravings between meals.

Presently I'm at 192.  So far I'm thrilled at this, but I sort have been holding back 100% belief that this is for good.  The problem with having a lifetime of yoyo dieting is I've lost crediblity with myself.  This surgery certainly makes a difference, but I need a few years at a successful outcome.  Until then, though I'm so thankful when I experience those little victories like realizing I have less back fat than I had last month, the need to get new pants because I can take off my present ones without unbuttoning or unzipping them, or like RUNNING 3 MILES WITHOUT STOPPING!!! 

Victories are great, but there have been realizations that haven't been so great.  Taking off major pounds has been like being on an archeological dig that has unearthed a hidden curse.  I'm not new to the thought that obesity is a symptom of issues that are literally buried under the fat.  Yes, I had abuse in my childhood.  Its been dealt with.  When memories come back, I'm grateful for a wonderful relationship with a loving Heavenly Father, who helps me take care of business.  Suffice to say, that losing weight has brought some unexpected attention from men other than my husband and I'm realizing how uncomfortable this makes me, especially when my husband works away from home 4 days a week.  This is not a wanted experience (no, I'm not nuts).  Tonight while I was practicing my golf swing at a driving range this older but attractive man came over to me and suggested that I work on using my hips to get the balls farther.  This may not seem wierd, but he proceeded to reach for my hips as he was giving advice.  I stepped back 2 steps and told him that I was taking golf lessons with my husband.  He immediately got wierd and walked back to his area of the driving range.

I came away more disturbed that I didn't get angry with him.  My reaction was totally benign and I actually thanked him for the advice.  What is that about?!  I'm still a nice girl who doesn't want to make an awkard or embarrassing situation, even when it means standing up for myself.  As a morbidly obese woman, no one would have reached for my hips in an attempt to show me how to improve my swing.  Fat does provide an armor that enables an intellect to not have  to develop healthy anger when boundaries are crossed.  Its time for me to step up the work with my mind.  Oh God renew my mind and grow me according to your plan.  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Just thought I would share my further progress.  I had to go clothes shopping today, and I fit into a size 16, wowee!  While I've had some bad food decision days, I've learned that I regretfully don't react that badly to sugar.  I've had a fair share of M&M's this week and a few Dots with no adverse reaction.  Not good.  Dumping syndrome was suppose to happen when I had sugar.  This nasty consequence was one of the reasons, why I chose this surgery.  However, I have had nasty consequences to too many carbs--which believe it or not has been a good thing.   I'm feeling great, with the exception of times when I've vomited from carb overloads.   I'm looking for the finish line that another 55 pounds will bring to me.  But I know I will start a new race once I am needing to maintain for lifetime a new weight.

Greetings!  Today I'm at 202, 9 weeks out from surgery. My birthday is in 10 days, and I had a benchmark goal of being at 200 pounds by then.   So far I'm finding that I am one who struggles getting enough liquids a day.  When I do consistently, I see my weight begin to drop.  However, if I get lazy with drinking water I can plateau for a week to 10 days.  I also realize how much activity I require to loose weight.  I don't think I was sedentary before surgery, but I did watch too much TV.  I added golf lessons to my post-surgery activity.  Practicing a few time a week between lessons has been good for toning up my arms.  All in all, I am really blessed by this whole process, however, I am finding its about practicing discipline.  

I was talking with another obese lady about the issue of discipline.  Before surgery, I knew the answer to losing weight--eat less, exercise more.  That is exactly right.  When  I do that now, I do loose weight.  The difference the surgery has made though, and this is important, is that with the surgery my attempts at staying disciplined are made with normal attempts at declining a second helping of food.  Before the surgery, I would obsess about wanting another serving, even at the expense of not going out to eat with friends or family.  My appetite was woefully and shamefully running my life.  The act of saying, "No." to more food was a heroic bungy jump.  I would have loved to play the hero and loose weight by mere pre-surgery discipline alone.  The surgery took the anxiety out of  practicing discipline.  I have a physical support that is like a diet nanny--which helps me to say, "No" or "Eat slower."  I'm so grateful that I've had the surgery.  Nine weeks out, I feel great!