Kim J.

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It been almost 4 years since my RNY. I can't believe it! I have been happier then I have ever been in my life! Although now the weight is starting to come back. I have gained 19 lbs from my smallest weight! I know its me. My RNY did not fail me. I have fallen off the wagon big time!

When I started this journey I felt like I could eat whatever I wanted because I couldn't eat a lot! I pretty much just took a few bites of this and that. Well, that is NOT the right way to start out. I feel if I had done things differently when I started this journey I would have been in a better mind set for this far out from surgery. I need to get back to the basics....AGAIN! I will always be starting over!

On the plus side when It all began I had an eating disorder that I have had as far back as 10 years old. Thats just when I can remember it starting.  I have always struggled with weight. But when I had my surgery I wasn't able to purge myself like I had in the past. Oh, I have thrown up pleanty because I eat the wrong thing or too much. But I can't purposly walk in the bathroom and throw up just to get rid of my food now. It just doesnt' come up. So that right there has made this surgery a success.

I have read the forums on here where people have posted their RNY failed. NO, it didn't! People Fail to follow the plan! Simple as that. Its hard, and its not fun and it really sucks to have to watch what you put in your mouth. I have found a new passion in cooking! But I need to cook the right things. I have to get back on my program. Get back to the basics. I said AGAIN earlier in this blog because I check myself into the BACK on track self a LOT! Now I have to do it again!

I heard something the other day and I wrote it down!

To have what you want you have to SEE IT! See yourself thin, See yourself Healthy SEE yourself Happy
Achieve it by saying I CAN! Surround yourself with everything that has to do with your goal! This board, weight loss magazines and books. Positive PEOPLE! People that aren't going to just say SUCK it up and go on. Let them listen first and then tell you to SUCK it up and get yourself back on track! Not just easy peasy people! :)
And Last.... You have to WANT it! Want it more then ANYTHING else!

See it...Say I CAN...Want it!
Nothing worth having is easy!
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels!

I'm going to use my blog as a way to motivate myself!  My hope is that I will write at least once a week and keep myself motivated to stay on track.  I have to stay on track for my husband and son.  We are all trying to get healthy.  I was hoping this would be the first year I would wake up on New Years and not have to resolve to lose weight.  But I have that last 20 lbs I want GONE!  My husband wants to lose about 30 lbs so we are going to do it and set the example for our son.  He's 10 and very active in sports!  But he's a little chunky.  So we are all going to eat right and get healthy!  We ordered the Health Master emulsifier that Montel Williams sponsers.  The hope is that we will eat our veggies!  My son won't touch them.  But I'm hoping if he can help make his own smoothie that he will learn to like them!

Ok!  My motivation today is from Jillian Michaels Book, Making the Cut!  "If you FEEL strong, you will BE Strong."
Here we go!!!!

Yesterday was my one year aniversary.  I have waited a year to type this.  I thought and thought about what I would say and then I let the day get by me without a word.  I was SUPER busy yesterday! 
Anyway, I miss you all.  I don't post as often as I should, I don't even get on here.  But I'm going to be BACKKKK!   I need the encouragement and support of my friends.  PLUS I want to give encouragement and support to my friends.  I have benefitted so much from OH.  There is no other place I would have rather been over the past 18 months.  I started posting here when I was going through my 6 month pre-op diet and I was welcomed with open arms.  I was a bundle of nerves and almost backed out of my surgery because I was so scared.  My wonderful supporters on the OK forum helped see me through my surgery and It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. 
I have been blessed with a wonderful outcome.  I have 20 lbs to my goal but thats MY OWN fault.  I haven't been following my plan.  I am taking my vitamins but not eating right.  I will get back on the plan and do right.  My husband will see to it.  He has been my biggest supporter and wants me to succeed in everything I do.  He has a weight problem himself...Well, he is about 30 lbs overweight.  He's not too bad but I have been watching Dr. Oz a lot and its scarey to be reminded what that extra weight is doing to our bodies. It seems that everywhere you look they are talking about how bad the extra weight is.  Dr. Oz says being morbidly obese is as bad as having Cancer.  (it can also cause cancer and many other health related problems as we all know).  When I think about it like that I am even more pleased with my journey!
I love my new body.  I had plastics in September.  I wasn't far enough out for some to agree with it.  But I really just went to my Plastic Surgeon just to see what he would say.  He agreed that he could help me and give me great results.  And he was right.  I still have to work to get that last 20 lbs off but this past year has been the MOST amazing ride of my life. 
Being heavy for my whole life hasn't been fun.  I lost weight a few times when I was younger only to gain it back.  But I have NEVER felt as good as I do now.  I love going to the store and having people not even know who I am.  It happens all the time.  At first it hurt my feelings when I would wave at a friend and they didn't even acknowledge me.  Then come up to me later and apologize because they didn't know who I was.  Its really funny.  On one hand I don't feel that different...but on the other hand I feel like a whole new person.  I'm happy and confident.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE to shop for clothes.  I went from a 2x sometimes 3x to a medium in most tops and pants.  I have some Levi Jeans that are size 6.  I am just so happy!
I know I rambled on and on and I hope that you all will forgive me!  But I want to be supportive and this was the best way I knew how!  So I wrote!

Yesterday was my 6 week mark from my plastics.  I'm doing very good!  I still have some open sores under my arm and my right breast.  They are healing nicely though.  I'm getting my range of motion back in my arms.  I notice I get tired less, but I still do get tired.  Of course that could be because I'm doing a LOT! 

I love the compliments I'm getting.  It makes me feel really good.  However, in the back of my mind I worry...what are they gonna say if I gain this weight back.  What did they think of me before.  I have never felt like I was treated bad as an adult because of my weight.  No one was as hard on me as I was myself.  I just don't want to fail.  I guess the best way not to fail is DON'T!  I have to get back on my exercise routine.  I'm having problems with my hip though.  Bad problems.  It wakes me up at night hurting.  I think its that static nerve.  I call is psychotic.  It makes me crazy!

All in all I'm very happy and doing great!  I had my 16th wedding anniversary yesterday.  I'm married to a wonderful man.  

I hope everyone has as good of a journey as I have had! 

Its hard to believe its been a week today since my surgery.  All the guilt I was feeling over having the surgery in the first place, but especially since my father-in-law's passing is gone.  Whats done is done and no one seems to think I'm the terrible daughter-in-law who had surgery when everything was going on.

I went to the PS for my 1 week visit today.  I was so scared.  I was shaking and wishing I had taken a valium.  I just knew they were going to hurt me.  My husband chose not to stay in the proceedure room with me while they removed all my tape and did minor touch ups along with removing all 4 of my drains.  I was really worried that was going to hurt.  But to my surprise, it just felt weird.  I don't hurt and I have only had 1 pain pill today and no naps.  I actually feel pretty good.  I'm tired now, but I'm doing much better then I expected. 

I love my new bod.  I NEVER in a million years expected my breasts to be so pretty.  Even swollen as they are and not even close to being in the position they should be in, I am very happy.  I got to see my belly button today.  I have one!!!  I haven't seen it in so long!  I feel better then I did when I was a teenager.  I know I'm not playboy material, but I'm better then 41 year old grandma material!  LOL!  Thats more then enough for me.

I know I have a long way to go and I'm not finished, but for me right now, I'm pretty darn happy.

I hope I can inspire someone else, and tell them that as scarey as this is...For me it has been so worth it. 

Hugs for now!  Too tired too keep typing!
Kim J!

My father-in-law passed away this morning in his home with my MIL by his side.  When I had my RNY surgery 12-16-08 he had a major stroke and was never the same after that.  My MIL took care of him at home and refused to put him in a round the clock care facility.  She has been so good and taken wonderful care of him.  I know she will miss him but I also know she is very tired.  He is at peace now and thats what is most important.

I have felt like such a heal this past week.  I am scheduled for Plastics on Sept 3.  I tried to reschedule my surgery for another date.  The PS office told me that it would be November before they could consider rescheduling me.  My job schedule wouldn't allow that.  Plus we wouldn't have a Christmas if I am not getting to work.  I have already had all of my daycare parents find alternate care for the month of September.  So I would hate to disrupt them also.  But my husband, and MIL and the rest of my family are supportive of me doing the surgery as scheduled on Thursday.  The funeral will be late Wednesday afternoon.  So there will be no need for me to reschedule.  I just wish I could get over feeling so guilty.  But I have asked my mom and friends to come in and help care for me some so that my DH can be with his mother as much as possible.  He won't leave me if he doesn't think I'll have someone here.  So that does make me feel better to know he will be ok too.

I am done blogging for now.  I will write after I have new boobies, a flat tummy and uplifted arms!  Wish me luck!

I went for my plastic surgeon consult yesterday.  I had 2 set up but my husband and I were so impressed with Dr. Cuzalina that as we were walking out the door I said I didn't need to go anywhere else.  I honestly expected him to tell me that I needed to wait a while I am only 7 1/2 months out.  I will be 8 1/2 months out when I have the surgery.  Its scheduled for Sept 3, 09.  He told me that I'm a muscular build and that I probably won't get a lot smaller without surgery.  He is thinking he can take 7 lbs off of my stomach!  7 lbs!  OMGsh!  I also expected him to tell me there wasn't much he could do for my breasts.  I have been telling my friends for years that they are deformed.  He confirmed it yesterday.  He said they were genetically deformed but he would fix me right up and I would be very pleased with the results.  He said I was an excellent candidate.  I was so happy and nervous all at the same time.  I'm a hurry up and do it kind of person.  When I make my mind up that I want something I want it yesterday. 
As for my weight loss I was 165 this morning. Thats 80 lbs lost.  I'm only 5'2".  But even Dr. Cuzalina and his nurse commented on how muscular my butt and legs are.  He said he has never seen such well defined muscular legs.  What a compliment coming from a man that fixes bodies for a living!  LOL!  I am going to work really hard this next month to be below 160 when I have my surgery.  Oh, The proceedures I'm having done....Breast lift w/implants, Full TT w/lipo, and arms w/lipo.  Not only do I want to lose a few more lbs I want to be in the best shape I can be in before I undergo this surgery.  I was a baby with my RNY.  This is gonna be a REAL surgery compared to that one. 
I'm still having food issues.  I like to eat.  My PCP upped my antianxiety medication.  Hopefully that will help with my appitite and wanting to eat all the time.  It has the past couple of days.  I have to make myself eat.  My very supportive husband is changing his eating habbits too.  He is getting really insecure.  I try to help him not be.  He is the love of my life!  I am so blessed to have him.  I would never be able to be with anyone else after him.  He spoils me like crazy.  He keeps telling me to make sure I'm having this surgery for myself because He loves me and wants me just like I am.  HOWEVER, he isn't against getting the new "girls" LOL!  He's a man.  He may be an angel, but he's still a man!  Gotta love him!!  Heck, I want them too!  Like I said, I have never been happy with them.  Even as a young girl.  Now I'm going to have them fixed! 
Ok!  I've updated on my happenings!  I'm excited and I have 30 days until lots of changes will be made!!!!!

I had a friend's husband stop in yesterday to pick up their son, who was visiting my son...anyway he didn't know about my surgery and hadn't seen me in about a year.  He kept staring at me and said ok, what is different about you.  You look so different.  My neighbor girl said "she got her hair cut off".  He said yeah, but that wasn't it.  I told him I lost 72 lbs!  He said yep, thats it!  He said I looked great and asked how I did it.  I told him I had the surgery.  He told me he had an aunt that had it and lost a bunch of weight but gained it all back plus a lot more. 
I did not want to hear that!  I have been worried anyway!  I know that there are people out there that have had the surgery and have food addictions and other problems that can keep their weight off!  I am so worried I will be one of those people that don't keep it off.  I wake up every day and expect my new clothes to be too tight.  I Expect the scale to move upward instead of down. I have failed so miserably in the past.  I'm really worried. 
I am back in counseling and I'm going to get help so that I can change the parts of me that need changing, that the surgery didn't change.  (My HEAD)  I am 6 months out and I need to make sure I don't back slide.  I'm going to continue to be on OH daily and get the support I need here and also be an example to others.

I can't believe its been almost 6 months since I had surgery.  It seems like just days ago I was jumping through all the insurance hoops, getting all of my required pre-surgery testing and being so nervous and scared to have surgery.  I'm so much happier now.  I have a pride in myself I have never had before.  I feel deserving and lovable.  I have lost weight before and been smaller for a minute.  I was NEVER as content with myself as I am now.  I don't know if its because I'm older or because of where I've been.  I know what 72 more lbs feels like.  I know that I look and feel better then I have in years. 
I was thinking the other day about being a kid.  I weighed 210 lbs when I was 10 years old.  I wore a size 40 Levi jeans.  I missed so much being so heavy.  I lost weight when I was 15 between my sophomore and junior year.  I lost it on my own FAST.  Over the summer.  When I went back to school no one could believe it.  Then I was pregnant at 17.  I lost weight after my divorce at 20 only to gain it back when I got pregnant at 21.  Then after my second divorce I lost weight again for a minute only to gain it back after we split and life became VERY hectic.  I re-married and I am very happily married. In October it will be 16 years! He has never complained about my weight.  He has always loved me and wanted me the way I am.  However he isn't complaining now!  LOL! 
I feel like my life is in a more stable place and I hope that I can make this work.  I'm so used to failing at weight loss I just expect it.  I want to make these changes permanent.  I'm exercising and working on my eating.  I still have some bad eating habits.  Only I eat less.  I'm in counseling and its empowering for me to have a plan.  That helps.  
If there is anyone out there that is thinking about WLS I would tell them about my experience.  I would also make sure they know its an individual choice.  There are ups and downs and surgery isn't a magic cure all to being fat.  There are still issues with food that need to be resolved and I'm working on them.  I'm still waiting on the brain surgery to help me out!  LOL
I have made myself right at home here on OH.  I have many friends on here that I can count on for support.  I know that at anytime I can post something and any one of this is there with an answer, support or a good butt kicking!   The research I did before surgery left me very prepared.  I have to remember that I'm a work in progress and I'm always learning.  I told my physiologist the other day that I have to be informed and I have to have the knowledge because I want to be supportive to anyone and everyone I can that is going through WLS.  Its a major life change and the more I know and the better prepared I am, I not only help myself, but I can help a friend too!
I guess I've written enough for this time.  If anyone is reading this!  Have a happy Day!!!
TTFN! 

I looked back at my blog and I found some things I wanted to do and I hoped that surgery would help me do!
The ones In red are all accomplished! 
I want to get off my blood pressure meds..
I want my RED face to be normal color!  ( I used to get complimented on my skin)
Cross My legs!!!
I want to wear my wedding rings
I want to run with my husband and son
I want to set a good example for my son
" go camping
" go swimming
" ride on the back of the motorcycle and not be embarrassed
"wear CUTE clothes
'Wear CUTE shoes
"go canoeing
"go hiking
"wear a NICE formal gown (with cute shoes)
"surprise my daughter for her graduation
"make my hubby proud of me
wear boots and jeans  (I haven't tried boots yet!)
I still have a ways to go but with time I will do all the things on my list!  Im going to add to it! 
I want to lose enough of my weight that I can go have plastics done
   boobs, arms and TT.  I have NEVER had a nice body.  I was pregnant at 17 so I don't remember my body before a baby!  Now I've had 3. 
I am so happy I had this surgery.  Even though I get discouraged and down.  One week I gained a lb and the next I lost 4!  I'm used to failing at weightloss and thats almost what I expect.  I feel like this surgery is just the tool I needed.  I think back to how scared I was to have the surgery.  Being so afraid I would die!  When I think of all the things that were wrong with me really makes the think I should have been more scared of that then the surgery!  I didn't like having the surgery...I don't like being a patient!  I didn't like the pain.  But its like childbirth!  The pain goes away and all you have is JOY!!!!! HE HEE!
I have lost 46% of my excess body weight.  To me that is AMAZING!  I'm so happy.  I have changed my goal to 140.  When I get to 150 I am going to see the plastic surgeon.  I think I can reach my goal with plastics.  I can't imagine being any smaller.  Even at my smallest in high school I was only about 150 or so.  I'm short so thats still rounded for me!  LOL!
Its Friday and I'm Happy Happy!