LeeLeewaysin

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There's something about staring death in the eye for three months that makes you feel like you can do anything. My mother died December 27th and I feel like I lost my best friend, the only person in the world that truly understood me...including my demons. Maybe it's just the shock of losing the person who carried you for 9 months, nurtured you to independence and sacrificed her own happiness for your prosperity, that heightens your senses to super hero levels. Things have never been so clear for me in my life. I can see down every track that lays ahead of me in every direction and I know what I have to do in each. I simply need to choose MY track. I have never possessed such clarity in my life. I feel like my body and spirit can endure the strongest of pain and disappointment that life can throw at you, both physically and mentally. I can almost feel the transformation coming for me.

Its time to face my demons and take responsibility for my life. It's not just about my weight, its not just about my relationship, its not just about my fears...its about my life, my entire existence and consciousness and taking hold of it, because its mine and I want it back. I've never taken control of it, I've let others lead and dictate its way...by never taking accountability for my own actions and decisions,  finding anything and anyone else to blame.... telling myself that I was the victim. Here's my awakening moment ....not only am I not a victim, I'm actually the abuser.

Can you believe that sh*t???...I'm actually the one abusing myself. I've been abusing my heart, my body  my soul and my mind for years now...decades even. Maybe one might say Oh, lady you're being too hard on yourself...give yourself a break....well you see, that's the problem people....., I have been buying into and banking on that mentality for too long. It's weak!!!!...it has done nothing for me, except open more doors to missed opportunities and unnecessary suffering.

Life is hard dammit and sometimes simply put, there is just no excuse!. At what point do we say 'enough is enough, changes have to be made'? And seriously....like how lucky are we that we live in a part of the world that allows for such changes to be made?

What or who pushed us into a corner and said I'm driving this boat and you have no way out? Who are these people and why did I allow my boat  to travel to places I never wanted to go...why did people who were not good enough to travel with me get in my boat...why did I let go of time and the sails...why did I let somebody else tell me they were captain ...I`m the f*cking captain!

OK....sure...I know all about barriers and the fact is, sometimes there are real barriers to life and growth that we are presented with...some even out of our control (although I am apprehensive typing that).....hmmm there's that word again...control.....Let`s talk about that...

For me anyway, it seems like such a fallacy....control...spffff...whateva...we are so much more resourceful and stronger than we ever give our selves credit for....but for me, I always thought I was ``ok`` with taking the easier way out....that I could make it work and still live with myself.... Fact is, I spent too much of my life trying to cover up the truth, run from my problems or flat out ignore them hoping for the day when I would just forget about them, ultimately just putting my own life on hold....Ya know what people, I can sail this boat.

Life is hard, I am strong

Life is precious, I am conscious 

Life is love, I am free

 

 

Well while waiting down town in court for hours on end this week, a friendly woman approached me and asked if I used to work for Bell Canada. I looked at her but couldn't quite recall her face or name. In due time and after some small chit chats I remembered who I was speaking to. How could I have forgotten her sense of humor? Although we didn't work together long for reasons unknown to me...either way,  it didn't take long for us to connect on common ground....YUP, you guess it...WEIGHT! It's like going to a foreign country knowing no one and not speaking their language... but then you cross paths with a person who is also over weight (no disrespect my friend) and it's all of a sudden like running into someone who speaks your language and understands your journey no matter where they're from...One might even say, it’s like running into an old familiar friend…. So it wasn't long before we were comparing notes. I mentioned reluctantly that I was waiting for WLS....then she told me she already had it done. AS IF!!!!!! She lost a remarkable amount from having RNY WLS...but sadly she also told me that there’s a dark side to WLS out there… WEIGHT GAIN and Yup, she's gaining it back, in fact she has gained over 40 pounds back. WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? While I know some weight gain after you reach your goal is natural...I wasn't expecting to hear 40 lbs. and adding. She told me it’s definitely possible to regain the weight and for your body to accept the foods that once sent you straight into a dumping session. Now, don't get me wrong here....I was never told that it was going to be easy. I know firsthand that losing the weight is the easiest part of WLS or any new diet regime. The hardest part is always maintenance.

 

I have been so focused thinking about the 'high' I will be getting from just losing weight and how freeing it will feel. It seems like it's the only time in my life when I feel so good about everything. I'm not saying I'm a depressed person as I’m not, I have my ruts like everyone else but always manage to pull myself out. That said...I know the journey ahead of me is going to be hard but now suspect that I truly don't quite grasp just how hard it’s REALLY going to be. Its' so easy to think that you will automatically change who you are once the weight is off....how foolish we are, how foolish I am....like all of a sudden I’m going to just ‘think’ skinny. Remember that shame and embarrassment that comes from when you talk to everyone about your new diet and how well you were doing and feeling on it....and how the same pants you were wearing that day were too tight just a week ago....then months pass by ‘ok who am I kidding maybe a couple weeks’…and you're no longer wearing those pants because they cut into your stomach or better yet, cut off all circulation....and you just know everyone can tell that you're no longer on that great diet that was working so well, not to mention those jeans somehow disappeared out of your wardrobe LOL....WELL...I fear that that type of embarrassment and shame will be a MILLION TIMES WORSE if you go through WLS and gain back, like the world will be watching you....I mean already I'm thinking....what the hell is wrong with me that I could undergo a major surgery and all its associated risks to lose weight and then possibly gain it all back. If this is truly my last stitch of hope for life and happiness....what will I do if I fail....??? Especially when it seems like I only know how to fail when it comes with weight loss.  I know the process works, I know I will lose and some days it may even feel effortless, other days it may feel like the end of the world, but mostly I know I can trust the process and will see dramatic results. I suppose my fears and concern are more associated to my ability to change long term….my way of thinking…my weaknesses, my instincts to turn to food for all life’s ups and downs.

I have so many mixed emotions lately about this surgery. The biggest mixed emotion is that I don't know if I should have another baby first. According to the nurse in the information session, I was advised to have my children first as it would automatically put me into high risk should I get pregnant after the surgery. Understandably.... I grew up with a brother and I cherish every moment we had together. Especially right now that our mother is dying of lung cancer, I couldn't imagine going through it alone and without him even though he lives in England. Thing is....is that I never wanted children my entire life. It only became somewhat appealing in the last couple of years but I wasn't sure by any means. But....I got pregnant and now I have the most beautiful son and haven't looked back since. Big question though is, do I have another baby while I still can...???

I've lived my whole life putting everyone ahead of my own needs and have days where I I feel that one child is enough and he will be ok without a brother or sister. I also tell myself that it will be financially less stressful just having the one. In all honesty I would only be doing it for my son as I don't think I really want another baby. Hence my mixed emotions. It would also mean dropping out of the program and having to go through the referral process all over again and the wait all over again. So I would be like 38ish before I could have the surgery (I'm 35 now)....can I really survive another 2ish years being fat and miserable....HELL NO...I can barely do it right now. Knowing that I will be having this surgery next fall most likely is sometimes the only thing getting me thru. Not to mention being 265+ pounds and getting pregnant again will send me sky rocketing over 300lbs...I just can't do it...how will I survive the mental anguish and anxiety....it scares me to death.

Some days I just say I will leave it up to God, if I get pregnant while waiting for my surgery even though I'm not trying well then its meant to be...but then during the "act" itself I find myself doing all I can to ensure I don't get pregnant....I'm so confused...deep down I really have no idea what my gut instinct is....some days I say yes for my son and other days I say Hell No. My son is only 8 months old and already I find it hard to keep up with him physically...I'm tired a lot and have a hard time getting down on the floor to play with him....well getting down isn't so bad, its the getting up...the daily feeling of exhaustion to go for walks....seriously, how fair is that to him that I'm too out of shape and unhealthy to play with him now let alone riding a bike, running outside, camping which is what our family loves to do...I also don't want to burden him with all the associated health issues that come with obesity. I come from a long line of colon cancer, liver cancer, diabetes and high blood pressure all related to obesity on my father's side....they have all died from being over weight all before the age of 70....Ive managed to dodge a lot of issues based on my youth alone, but I can't rely on that anymore....I'm getting older and must say have been noticing light headedness and dizziness shortly after my sugar binges....I fear that I may be pushing my limits with diabetes and/or my blood pressure. I'm too afraid to get tested again in fear that the inevitable has finally come knocking on my door.

Also....my recent weight gain from my pregnancy (which I have not lost a pound from since and am convinced its hear to stay) has done nothing for my sex life....it sucks! I go through the motions and drink a bottle of wine beforehand just so I can bare through it for my husbands sake and so my senses are numbed to the point where I'm not overly aware of how hideous my body is. Some how it just doesn't matter how much your man loves you no matter what....it almost means nothing when you don't love yourself.

This brings me to another point I wish to share...I told a friend the other day I was pursuing wls...and while I got a neutral and somewhat supportive response, I also got the "so long as you aren't doing it out of desperation"....WTF does that mean??? Its been on my mind...I can see that word desperation every where now in my head...of coarse I'm desperate, how else are you suppose to feel when you seek out wls as an option...am I wrong here???....should I not be feeling desperate....should this be solely an educated decision based on facts and what not....I'm seriously scratching my head about this because I've never felt so desperate for something in my entire life. Desperate to be freed from food, desperate to be happy in my own skin, desperate to love myself, desperate to feel proud, desperate to feel physically strong, desperate for another chance at life, desperate to escape early death, desperate to feel I deserve something better than closet misery.

Ok, here comes another question...what do you say to someone you love and respect more than anything and anyone in the world when they ask you after you tell them you were referred to have WLS "can you not lose weight by exercise and eating right?"...Ok, I know this person better than anyone, so I know it was a sincere question and not sarcastic or condescending....my answer was reluctantly well yes (because I have lost weight before by doing that) .....BUT ....BUT....BUT...speechless....Makes me wonder if I'm just lazy and too impatient and want quick weight loss....Hmmm could this be true?

Seriously people out there reading this....Am I any different from all of you??? Why does it seem that I'm the only one who believes in my heart that WLS is my only option and second chance at life. I know its just a tool, but it's a tool I currently don't have and a tool I need...how many more times am I suppose to give my all at losing weight to only gain it back again and again because some how I just can't get a handle on over eating. I'm sick of that roller coaster....I want off. I'm done....

A friend of mine I used to work with and who has had this surgery over a year ago once told me that you can feel guilty for turning to WLS but you shouldn't feel guilty....maybe all this is deriving from guilt that I feel within....guilty because  I can't lose weight entirely on my own...guilty because it will be fast weight loss in comparison to those doing it on their own....guilty because it feels like cheating...etc etc.

Oh my the mixed emotions are intense lately for me....Jeez.. I really should check to see if its that time of the month for me...where's my calendar, I better go check now!

I had my information session September 21st and to my surprise there were people there bigger and smaller than me. Oh and get this, the elevators were broken upon our arrival. I felt so bad for some people as chairs had to be put on each floor in the stairs as so many were unable to climb. A reality check for sure.

Anyway back to my beef....it was recommended during the session  to tell our family members and closest friends in order to start building our support system....well I'm a talker and everyone and anyone who knows me can expect me to redirect almost any conversation to weight, typically mine lol....but this time around I'm finding myself to be quite reluctant in doing so.

I hate how people think this is a debate or a reason for them to impart their opinions on me...all you have to do is this...isn't that a bit extreme...just wait for a while longer you just had a baby....I know someone who had that procedure done and died....yup I've heard them all and to be honest, its maddening and making me feel ashamed of turning to WLS as an option. Why can't people understand that I simply am tired of fighting this battle...why don't people understand that I don't want to go another 35 years being FAT.

Ive even had someone offer to buy me a gym membership..WTF...are you kidding me, this has nothing to do with money or not knowing that exercise and eating right is the key...like come on, I could write a novel on weight loss, nutrition and execising...its not rocket science I think we all understand that for the most part, that isn't the problem.

Personally I eat to cope with stress and any emotion I have no control over. I also, simply put, just love food too...unfortunately to the point where I just can't stop eating...its like I was born with no sensory to know when I'm satisfied or had enuf. I know I have alot of work ahead of me and I have been making small steps to improve what I eat now but I need to work on it more. I could probably benefit from speaking to a professional about my other issues so I can get a head start on things. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that as soon as the weight starts coming off I will all of a sudden start "thinking skinny" and drop all my old bad habits....it just doesnt work like that. It wasn't that long ago when I went on Dr. B and dropped 70lbs and started thinking skinny so I started jogging...I was able to jog 7 to 10K in no time...I felt as though I was on top of the world....but just because I could run with ease and at distance didn't change who I was. That said, I know I need more tools. To this point, I must also admit that knowing how miserably I have failed in the past despite my efforts and discipline in various life style changes I tried to make...I find myself wondering if WLS will also lead to disappointment. Such a scary thought.

I think for now I'm just going to move forward and not mention wls to anyone else. I just don't see the point....its a downer. If I hear one more time that "you've lost before you can do it again" I will just snap!!!!

Ive decided that I'm going to blog about my problematic eating behaviors for the first time....i guess you can say I'm going public!

I have a problem....and its called night time eating. I have been plagued with night time eating for as long as I can remember. It sucks. I do it effortlessly and suffer with severe remorse seconds after its over.  For example, last night I had dinner and was satisfied...the bf went out for a bike ride in the evening and as soon as I knew he was gone, I jumped off the sofa into the kitchen to eat from the casserole dish. I also grabbed a piece of white bread and butter to boot!...
I went to bed almost immediately after only  to sit up awake with severe heart burn, regret and an over stretched out stomach...I felt miserable. The guilt was over whelming. Then as usual I wake up the next day saying to myself that today will be different...and it never is. The cycle is endless and I feel trapped inside my own web of sabotage. 

If I take a step back I can see the patterns that facilitate my behavior...first I always make sure I'm alone, therefore its done in secrecy. I eat it fast so I don't get caught, just shoveling it in barely taking the time to chew. In the moment I feel a sense of calm, comfort and something that scares me to death...its like a drug high, almost like I'm peeking off something, knowing I will need this fix real soon again. WOW...how scary is this for me to share openly...
I am aware of it....but in many ways I'm not....because I ignore it during the day and only think about it after its been done when the guilt comes. Then I move on until the next time...and trust me there is always a next time. I don't' have the ability to stop myself or the tools necessary to be more cognitive in order to stop it before it happens. So ya, I have a problem and I need help...I WANT HELP.

FEAR #1: Should I be so lucky to be given the opportunity to have RNY in the next year or so, how will I ever over come this behavior that has made me its B*TCH for 34 years?

I need help, I need to learn how to undo these behaviors (and yes there are many more I reveal in due time).

I broke down last week with my family physician, desperate for her support for my decision to move forward with slim band. In the process of my break down so much more came out than my tears alone. I realized that I was tired of fighting through life with obesity and am not prepared to trek through another 34 years afraid, hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not.

After my meltdown she offered me a Kleenex and her medical advise. She informed me that in her medical opinion based on the literature out there; gastric bypass is more successful long term and she listed the reasons why and the risks associated to both procedures. I was a bit disappointed as I felt confident in the research I had done on my own about banding as I already had my consultation with Slim band and received financial approval. In my mind I was well on my way...until last week.

Soooo....as of Thursday August 2, 2012 I was referred to the Ottawa Hospital weight management clinic! I now wait...WAIT...TICK TOCK...WAIT...TICK TOCK...WAIT....I swear I can hear those tick tocks.

I haven't forgotten about slim band as an option but I respect my doctor so much and thoroughly trust her that I feel I need to consider the RNY route as well. Needless to say, I'm not even thinking about it being covered by OHIP as I would seriously rather pay out of pocket now to have a surgery date in a matter of 4 weeks or less like it is with slim band. My problem here is that once my mind is made up....full speed ahead is the only thing I understand. So I feel derailed in many ways and have no idea what the heck I'm gonna do for possibly another year while I wait....wait....and wait some more.

My biggest fear is that I will lose all self control while waiting...I just can't get any bigger....sigh....I just can't. Now I'm siting here literally trying very hard to figure out how the heck I'm going to find some other weight loss regimen to follow until my special day comes....so if you ask me if today is the beginning of my journey...I can honestly say in response....I DON' T KNOW...

In the mean time I will pray to the Gods that be that I find the strength and courage to not eat myself into a depression tomorrow.

PS. why do I hate exercising when I'm over weight....I love exercising but just despise it lately....OK, maybe I need to pray for motivation too!

Until the next time....