LeeLeewaysin
Mixed Emotions
Dec 07, 2012
I have so many mixed emotions lately about this surgery. The biggest mixed emotion is that I don't know if I should have another baby first. According to the nurse in the information session, I was advised to have my children first as it would automatically put me into high risk should I get pregnant after the surgery. Understandably.... I grew up with a brother and I cherish every moment we had together. Especially right now that our mother is dying of lung cancer, I couldn't imagine going through it alone and without him even though he lives in England. Thing is....is that I never wanted children my entire life. It only became somewhat appealing in the last couple of years but I wasn't sure by any means. But....I got pregnant and now I have the most beautiful son and haven't looked back since. Big question though is, do I have another baby while I still can...???
I've lived my whole life putting everyone ahead of my own needs and have days where I I feel that one child is enough and he will be ok without a brother or sister. I also tell myself that it will be financially less stressful just having the one. In all honesty I would only be doing it for my son as I don't think I really want another baby. Hence my mixed emotions. It would also mean dropping out of the program and having to go through the referral process all over again and the wait all over again. So I would be like 38ish before I could have the surgery (I'm 35 now)....can I really survive another 2ish years being fat and miserable....HELL NO...I can barely do it right now. Knowing that I will be having this surgery next fall most likely is sometimes the only thing getting me thru. Not to mention being 265+ pounds and getting pregnant again will send me sky rocketing over 300lbs...I just can't do it...how will I survive the mental anguish and anxiety....it scares me to death.
Some days I just say I will leave it up to God, if I get pregnant while waiting for my surgery even though I'm not trying well then its meant to be...but then during the "act" itself I find myself doing all I can to ensure I don't get pregnant....I'm so confused...deep down I really have no idea what my gut instinct is....some days I say yes for my son and other days I say Hell No. My son is only 8 months old and already I find it hard to keep up with him physically...I'm tired a lot and have a hard time getting down on the floor to play with him....well getting down isn't so bad, its the getting up...the daily feeling of exhaustion to go for walks....seriously, how fair is that to him that I'm too out of shape and unhealthy to play with him now let alone riding a bike, running outside, camping which is what our family loves to do...I also don't want to burden him with all the associated health issues that come with obesity. I come from a long line of colon cancer, liver cancer, diabetes and high blood pressure all related to obesity on my father's side....they have all died from being over weight all before the age of 70....Ive managed to dodge a lot of issues based on my youth alone, but I can't rely on that anymore....I'm getting older and must say have been noticing light headedness and dizziness shortly after my sugar binges....I fear that I may be pushing my limits with diabetes and/or my blood pressure. I'm too afraid to get tested again in fear that the inevitable has finally come knocking on my door.
Also....my recent weight gain from my pregnancy (which I have not lost a pound from since and am convinced its hear to stay) has done nothing for my sex life....it sucks! I go through the motions and drink a bottle of wine beforehand just so I can bare through it for my husbands sake and so my senses are numbed to the point where I'm not overly aware of how hideous my body is. Some how it just doesn't matter how much your man loves you no matter what....it almost means nothing when you don't love yourself.
This brings me to another point I wish to share...I told a friend the other day I was pursuing wls...and while I got a neutral and somewhat supportive response, I also got the "so long as you aren't doing it out of desperation"....WTF does that mean??? Its been on my mind...I can see that word desperation every where now in my head...of coarse I'm desperate, how else are you suppose to feel when you seek out wls as an option...am I wrong here???....should I not be feeling desperate....should this be solely an educated decision based on facts and what not....I'm seriously scratching my head about this because I've never felt so desperate for something in my entire life. Desperate to be freed from food, desperate to be happy in my own skin, desperate to love myself, desperate to feel proud, desperate to feel physically strong, desperate for another chance at life, desperate to escape early death, desperate to feel I deserve something better than closet misery.
Ok, here comes another question...what do you say to someone you love and respect more than anything and anyone in the world when they ask you after you tell them you were referred to have WLS "can you not lose weight by exercise and eating right?"...Ok, I know this person better than anyone, so I know it was a sincere question and not sarcastic or condescending....my answer was reluctantly well yes (because I have lost weight before by doing that) .....BUT ....BUT....BUT...speechless....Makes me wonder if I'm just lazy and too impatient and want quick weight loss....Hmmm could this be true?
Seriously people out there reading this....Am I any different from all of you??? Why does it seem that I'm the only one who believes in my heart that WLS is my only option and second chance at life. I know its just a tool, but it's a tool I currently don't have and a tool I need...how many more times am I suppose to give my all at losing weight to only gain it back again and again because some how I just can't get a handle on over eating. I'm sick of that roller coaster....I want off. I'm done....
A friend of mine I used to work with and who has had this surgery over a year ago once told me that you can feel guilty for turning to WLS but you shouldn't feel guilty....maybe all this is deriving from guilt that I feel within....guilty because I can't lose weight entirely on my own...guilty because it will be fast weight loss in comparison to those doing it on their own....guilty because it feels like cheating...etc etc.
Oh my the mixed emotions are intense lately for me....Jeez.. I really should check to see if its that time of the month for me...where's my calendar, I better go check now!
