Manderley

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i finally felt almost human today. still struggling trying to get in enough fluids and protein...but i managed to eat really slowly today and that helped so far. i had one hard boiled egg for lunch and 2 scrambled eggs for dinner. got in about 40 oz of water so far. i also figured out that when i'm so full i feel like barfing, if i lay down on my left side it will help me burp, relieving some of the pressure. i've just been offered a job after being on disability for 3 years, so i've got to get rid of this weakness and dizziness!! but at least i finally feel like maybe it will be alright after all. this has been a long, hard haul. i haven't lost a pound in over a month, i'm sure it's because i'm taking in so little, my body is shutting down (it obviously thinks i'm trying to kill it).

Surgery was so long ago already...but i was so so so sick that i just couldn't even imagine trying to document. I'll try to put it together now. I remember going into the OR, and that's all I remember. No counting, no anyone talking to me, just boom, out, and awake in recovery. I remember being given Morphine for pain by a male nurse. Then i was in my room on the 2nd floor. 

 

Minimal pain, just general discomfort. Foley. Legs in those blow up massage thingies. Couldn't breathe laying down, felt like my diaphragm had no where to go. Sucking on ice chips.

After 2 days, i was started on clear liquids. Big mistake. I kind of forgot that i wouldn't be able to take more than a few sips. I ordered a full tray of broth, and jello, and juice and herbal tea...drank the juice pretty quickly and that was it. I then proceeded to vomit non-stop for about 3 days. 

Some of the nurses were Okay. Jamil, a male LPN from Pakistan, was the best. Gianni, a six-foot-four brazilian was a bitch on wheels. 

i was so sick i just wanted to die. Finally my Doc changed my nausea med and Jamil suggested Ativan and i started to improve. Spent a week in the hospital, afraid to go home but didn't want to stay.

Home was worse. So weak, unable to even keep water down...so restless, so nauseous.

Still almost 16 lbs more than i was before the surgery. Wondering if i had made a mistake. If i had known how sick i would be, how bad it was, i never would have had the guts to do it.

I had diarrhea all over my bed and bathroom, and no one, of course, to help me.

Vomitted all over the kitchen.

no clean clothes

miserable miserable miserable

but finally the past few days have been getting better.

Saw the surgeon, he took the staples out. I stopped draining from that bottom incision, so no more need for the "belly diaper".

Not really nauseous, i still puke a bit, nothing major. I'm on full liquids, but just can get down a few spoonfuls of yogurt or applesauce, or maybe 1/2 of a protein drink a day. i'm working on just getting fluids in, period.

So weak now that i can barely stand. Don't even have the strength to watch tv. i spend all day laying in bed, dozing on and off. 

Going for bloodwork on thursday if i can make it to the lab. I'm thinking i'm badly anemic and need another transfusion.

Now that i'm not scared of transfusions anymore, i would welcome one now if it would give me some strength.

Meanwhile....

my body is a wonderland.

My surgery is tomorrow at 2pm

i've been shaking for 2 days now

Can't finish this awful bowel prep, i just can't manage to take another mouthful, this stuff is horrendous.

Think i'll take a shower and go to bed. Have to get up early tomorrow...

Scared and excited. 

Excited and scared.

See ya on the flip side.

Okay i'm really tense and nervous now. Surgery is on Tuesday. Tomorrow is my last day of Optifast, then clear liqs for a day and bowel prep Monday night and BOOM there it IS. 

I feel faint and clammy and i wish i had a xanax or two. 

My weight was 298 two days ago, 299 yesterday, back to 298 today. That's okay. I'm on this train and I'm not going to get off track.

Today I took Charita to the food pantry so she'd have some food here for when she house-sits and cat-sits for me. Of course all the food is stashed here so her family won't eat it. Besides fresh salad and apples and chopped meat of course she got about 10 bags of starburts and skittles and 2 bags of donuts and a bar of Lindt milk chocolate with hazelnuts and raisins (my fave) and three boxes of Russel Stover chocolates (the chewy/nutty/crispy ones! also my faves). 

My mouth is watering but i'm sticking to my Optifast, SF popsicles and SF jello. 

Can't wait for the weight to go down more. I can't wait to go clothes shopping at a thrift store!

i can't wait for my life to begin...again.

thank God for this opportunity, and this freedom from my addiction. I have to pray for it to be new every day. He has removed the yoke of addiction from me. I cannot and will not pick it up and put it back on.

It's within reach. 

Oh what a beautiful day!

My scale is my beautiful friend and no longer my enemy.

I have made it to Twoterville. Lovely, Beautiful, Wonderful Twoterville.

While I love it here, I will constantly be working to leave. It was once my goal, 200. But not anymore. Next Stop Onederland. And i won't get off this train until I get there.

Life is good.

I need to work on going up and down steps. 

I need to work on losing the cane.

I need to get to work and make some money because i am going to need massive plastic surgery after this is all over. 

Finally looking forward to the future again. 

Two Two Twooterville, i love you. 

Got on the scale this morning and was thrilled to see a weight of 300.4. By tomorrow i'll be back in Twoterville.

I can't even believe how great I feel, and how full of hope, when just a few short months ago I was close to death and just wanted to give up.

I guess I should document my descent into hell, just so I can never forget, and never allow it to happen again.

At 340 or so pounds, my usual weight, Pat, my ex-husband, decided to return to me. Why continue to be apart? Life is too short. We love each other. Excitedly, I emptied drawers and closets and waited for my man to return.

My rhematologist diagnosed me with PMR which is only treatable with Prednisone. I said ok, and began the regimine, not even realizing that I was pigging out like a house afire. I put on 20 lbs, 30 lbs, oh no, this isn't good. My blood pressure was sky high and uncontrollable, my blood sugars were in the 400's. 

Pat returned on the last day of August, 2012, and we started the "rest of our lives" together. Sunset cruise to watch the dolphins, dinners out. I'm supporting us both on my disability, but we're waiting for his unemployment from Home Depot to kick in any day.

I went to an endocrinologist and started on insulin the beginning of October. what a pain in the butt. I got a CPAP machine, finally able to sleep well at night, no snoring, no up all night to pee, and no waking up breathless with my heart pounding. 

I'm getting up in the morning and looking in the mirror and i'm really starting to look like Jabba the Hut. I just keep thinking wow I'm gaining weight, I've got to diet. So breakfast a small bowl of fiber one cereal with some bluebies and low fat milk. Lunch a few sticks of low fat cheese, an apple and a couple of rice cakes. Dinner either a big salad with a hard boiled egg or 4 oz of fish or chicken and a small serving of veggies. Sweet tooth satisfied with sugar free popsicles and sugar free jello.

One night i start sliding off the bed and i wake up yelling Pat, Pat, i'm falling off the bed!! help me!! and he got up and put the light on and by the time he walked around the bed to my side, it was too late. my knees were on the floor and the rest of me went down. I tried my hardest to get up. I could not put all my weight on my knees. My legs were so huge and swollen that I could not bend them and boost myself up. Pat ran and got a chair for me to lean on, it didn't help. He couldn't lift me, I couldn't lift me. Exhausted after an hour of trying, i ended up at the foot of the bed with my legs splayed out like a child, my back up against the bed. I was begging him to call 911 but he didn't want to. I guess he was embarrassed. He finally gave in and the Fire Dept came, red lights and all. A bunch of sweet gorgeous firemen came in and made me feel so relieved and so safe and cared for. They rolled up a sheet and put it under my arms and three of them lifted me up. Back in bed finally by about 4 a.m.

Pat starts sleeping on the living room couch, he says he's more comfortable there, that i "move around too much". i'm hurt but i understand, i'm so huge and it's only a full sized bed, and i've got the CPAP on...

I call my PCP, Dr. Gittinger, in November and tell her something is wrong. I'm gaining weight and I've never been this huge in my life. I am a whopping 402 lbs at this point. She tells me it's the insulin. Oh My GOD i had no idea insulin makes you gain weight. That last 40 lbs jumped onto me in no more than a month. I can't fit into my underwear, so I'm just wearing my capris and going commando. There are only 2 shirts that I can fit into. I can no longer walk across the street to do the laundry, Pat has to do it. By now, he's got a part-time job at Publix, in the Deli Dept. So on a day that he works 4 or 5 hours, if i ask him to do the laundry, he screams at me that he just worked all day and he's tired. If i ask him to do the laundry on his day off, he screams at me that it's his day off, he doesn't want to do anything. Meanwhile, with the inability to fit into any underwear, and the fact that I can no longer reach my nether regions when I'm in the shower, i can only wear my capris one day before they need to be washed again. so sometimes i go for days in my nightgown since I have no clean clothes.

I stop the insulin and start weaning myself off prednisone and stick to that portion-control low carb thing I had been doing. I finally get up the guts to ask Pat to help me in the shower. Begrudgingly, he comes and washes my bottom and my privates, all the while complaining that he was trying to watch tv but has to stop to come in to help me bathe. 

I bought a personal care item, like a grabber thingie for bathroom use. You put the toilet paper in it and squeeze it shut so that you can wipe yourself. What a joy to be able to clean myself after using the bathroom. The same item was supposed to be able to be used in the shower, but it didn't grip hard enough to hold a scrungie or a washcloth. 

I had another fall out of bed, I had dropped the remote and I was trying to get it but  no luck and I hit the floor. Again we needed 911. Not the same guys, so I told them what to do with the sheet, and they got me up quickly. Embarrassing to be so huge that I need help of 3 men to get off the floor. 

Meanwhile it is so hard to walk that once I get into bed and I need something it is a nightmare to take a few steps to get it. I'm drinking water like crazy at night, and keep running out. So I call for Pat to bring me more water. I wake him up. He's not happy, but he gets me the water usually. I take 2 bottles to bed with me, but I end up needing more. One night I was about to have my 4th bottle and he yelled at me that I had had enough water. Why? Why can't i have more water? i'm thirsty! and I paid for the water! so who says i can't have any more? He shuts up and brings me the water, but it's the last time. After that, even if i call and call and then call him on his cell phone, he won't answer. he's too busy sending dick pics to his old girlfriend Janet in Brooklyn.

Every time I shower I can feel my shower chair sink a little bit more. The weight limit on the chair is 300 lbs, and now i'm up to 402. i can't afford the $30 for a new chair because Pat is buying himself cases of beer every week, and clothes, and shoes, and Christmas gifts for his kids. Haircuts and all kinds of things that I am depriving myself of because "we" can't afford it. Finally, one night in the shower, it gave way. Oh, this is not good. Not good at all. So my butt is on the floor of the shower, but the chair is wedged under my butt and my thighs and my knees. My feet are dangling because my knees are up high, what a bad position. I can't move AT ALL. I call for Pat, and call and call and start to scream and scream and finally screaming bloody murder and he yells "WHAT??" "HELP!!" I yell and he finally comes in. he pulls back the shower curtain, peeps in, says oh my God and closes the curtain again. I tell him to shut off the water, and he does. I tell him to give me a towel to cover myself with, i must have looked repulsive laying there in that position like humpty dumpty or something. He wants me to try to get up. We go thru this routine a few times, I show him that I cannot get up, he needs to call 911. I ask him to get me a nightgown and he brings me one that I don't fit into anymore. I ask for another one, he gives it to me and leaves me alone. I guess he had to rush back onto the phone with his girlfriend. When did this happen to us? The firemen come, they get the sheet at my direction and get me out of there. I am badly shaken and they get me my walker to get back into bed. 

So Pat comes down here to be reunited with his sexy voluptuous woman and finds a hugely fat troll with grey hair (i can't afford to have it done) who can barely take 2 steps with a walker. I am completely homebound since I cannot fit in the car anymore. Am I really shocked that he started a relationship again with his old girlfriend?

I can't dress myself, I can't put on shoes, I can't put on pants. I put my feet in the pants on the floor while I sit on the bed, and he has to come lift them for me. I can't fit into the desk chair anymore because it has arms. I can't sit on the couch anymore because i can't get up without help, and sitting there, all that weight on the piping that goes around the cushions digs into the backs of my thighs and is excruciating. I ake Pat  to bring my wheelchair in from the car trunk and set it up in the living room so I can sit there to watch tv with him. (meanwhile,for 11 years, i sat on the end of the couch, and he sat in the middle so we could be right next to each other, always touching, holding hands, hands on thighs...but at some point he moved to the other end of the couch and said it was because of the cat. She liked to be near me. I'd reach out and try to touch him or hold his hand; he'd let it last for  a few minutes then reposition himself out of my reach. Stupid me, it made me sad but i didn't realize he didn't love me anymore. blind, deaf and dumb i was.)

Sitting in the wheelchair was horribly painful because i no longer fit in it. i had to squeeze myself in and the bars were so tight on my thighs that i couldn't stand it. I ended up having nerve damage on my left leg, the outside of which has no feeling, the skin is totally dead to the touch, but underneath is horrible aching pain or crazy itching. Just lovely. So i had nowhere to sit. Not comfortable in bed, I finally reached a point where i could not move in bed. I was like a dinosaur in the La Brea tarpits. I had to call Pat to help me get up out of bed in the morning.

I start losing weight, and 20 lbs comes off quickly after stopping the insulin and prednisone. Pat goes to work and i manage to make us both dinner every night. i prepare a little, then go sit on the dining room chair; then fix a little more and go sit down again. 

Finally I discover the text messages between him and Janet. he is telling her that i am so lazy and i order him around and he can't wait to get back to NY, back to the "woman I REALLY love".  I tell him he has to leave. We go immediately to the bank to split up our joint account. I give him $20 to open his own acct and tell him he needs to give me $100/week for his share of the bills.  He says he has no place to go. I tell him i want him to stay, is he willing to stay and work it out? he says yes. he's lying. he just needs someplace to stay until he saves up enough money and makes plans to leave. 

I start putting on makeup and jewelry every day, and managing to dress myself and make the bed, straighten the house. I no longer ask for his assistance in the shower. I try to be loving and supportive, and think of things we can do together since I can now fit in the car again, after losing about 30 lbs.

Then one night he comes in from work (although he didn't go to work that day, I found out later. I have no idea where he was, with my car) and says we have to talk. i'm leaving.  He had made arrangements with some guy from Clearwater who needs a driving companion up North. I didn't even cry. I was angry, hurt, scared for myself, but I wasn't heartbroken like I was every other time he left. I called Lifeline to get one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" thingies. He leaves the next day. 

 

About a week later I ended up in the hospital with chest pain. Funny, but every time he's left, I end up in CCU. After a few days, I'm discharged with orders for Home Health Care, a nurse to monitor my new coumadin regime. Oh, great, more meds.

Meanwhile I've got an open wound on the sole of my foot for months now that is so intensely painful I can't put weight on it, i'm screaming in pain. So the nurse, wonderful John James, gets orders for wound care, and after suffering for 2 months, the wound is healed in a few days. I also start PT since, at the hospital, they noticed that I couldn't walk! Wonderful Jodie Baker, my PT, came 3x/week to work on my standing and walking. Wonderful Connie, my OT, gave me equipment to use to allow me to bathe easily, put lotion on my dry feet, dress myself, get my shoes on without difficulty. Jodi even showed me a trick to get in and out of the car so that i never again fall doing that (that was one of my first bad falls,half in and half out of the car in the rain). we started walking down the street, she'd follow me with my wheelchair so i could sit if i needed to. The last thing we worked on before she discharged me was I got on the floor and got up by myself. TWICE. so i finally got rid of the Lifeline.

Kept on that diet, and the pounds dropped off. All the way to 71 lbs. I thought maybe I don't need surgery, I can do this myself. Then I started to pig just a little bit. And a little bit more. I put on 12 lbs but it sure felt like more. So when I got the call from Kelly @ Doctor Rehnke's, telling me that insurance had approved my surgery, I jumped at the chance. Yes, yes, yes. A complete way out of the mess my life had become.

So that was the start of my journey, phase 2. I picked up the Optifast and with it, i've lost 45 lbs, (since i had gained 12), i'm now at a grand total of 102 lbs lost since November. I can't believe it. I look and feel so much better. I'm wearing clothes I had forgotten i owned. I am walking so much better. everything is wonderful. 

I'm taking a class to be a Certified Guardian ad Litem. I've even started sending out resumes, and hope to return to work after 3 years on disability. I've got 2 interviews scheduled. I've changed my "Plenty of Fish" profile from "i'm not interested in dating right now" and updated it, hope to put new pics up soon. My latest pic on there is from 2009. So i'd even like to start dating again, which is something i never thought would happen.

I feel like i can conquer the world. I am looking forward to a trip North next year to visit friends and family. Nothing to hide anymore. In a few months, just a few months, i will no longer be the Fattest Girl in the Room.
 

I can see my collarbones in the mirror. They are so beautiful, I can't stop looking at them. 

I realized that I no longer need my seat belt extender when I get in the car. A big woot woot for that one!

I was able to walk all the way from my Cardiologist's office, down the hall to the 'vater, then through the lobby and into the parking lot...and into my car. Without having to stop and sit down to rest. Today I actually went to CVS. My first time in a store without a handicap cart. 

The puffiness on my necrobiosis has disappeared. It's finally back to just a flat discoloration on my leg. Every morning I look at my ankles and I'm so glad they're back. My beautiful slim ankles.

I keep thinking of when Dr. Pitarys helped me up on the exam table. I put my hands on his arms, then his shoulders to hold on as he helped me turn around and get up there. I said "it feels like we're dancing". Just the feel of his arms, his muscles rippling under his shirt sleeve...it's been so long since I've touched a man. A strong, well-built man. Not that measly little Worm of an ex-husband who mistreated me so badly last year. I am thinking now that I would like to date again. I would like to feel my hands on a man's strong arms. Making me feel like a woman, soft, sensual and desirable. 

Only a week til my surgery. So much to do...I can't wait to enter into this new phase of my journey. 

I can't seem to get my butt down into Twoterville. Maybe a few more days. I'd like to get there before the surgery.

 

I haven't weighed myself on my own scale. At my Cardiologist's on Friday, I was up 7 lbs, but it was in the late afternoon and i was fully dressed, jeans, sneakers. (sigh). i'm glad it was only 7 after 2 days of pigging out. And one final sushi and Dairy Barn pig the night before starting Optifast again. (another sigh).

 

I feel good, look good, walking so much better. Hopefully one day i can walk without my cane. Far cry from being wheelchair bound.

But i'm stressing bad about my financial situation. I need to give my surgeon five hundred dollars on the 17th, and i just don't have it, and am out of ideas. Just going to have to be overdrawn. Thank God for the overdraft protection. 

I really need to go back to work. I wonder how soon I can start to try. I wonder what kind of job i can get. With the carpal tunnel, i can't be on a computer all day. With my legs and back, i can't be on my feet all day. With an AS in Nursing instead of a BS, there's not much I can do...too bad I burned so many bridges down here. Never got fired in NY, and down here in Florida, it happens all the time. This "right to work" crap really sucks.

I think i'll try to go out today. No gas in the car, can i make it to the pool? should i try alone? what if i can't get out of the pool? scary thought. 

If i had gas, i'd go down to the beach. It's always something. 

I'm lonely. I really want to be back in a loving relationship. Too soon to go looking on Plenty of Fish. I'm still so much more than a BBW, but comparatively speaking, I look fabulous 

I'm getting nervous as the surgery date approaches. 

I'm scared but i can't wait to get started on a whole new life. I should be able to take off another 100 lbs in six months. I'll look like i did in high school. That was a good look. But my goal is now even less than that. 200 is still fat. I'm going to shoot for 180. On my frame, that should be fine. I like a little meat, some curves. 

Meat is for men, bones are for dogs. 

It's been several days since my last blog post. Several days of weight gain. I knew I'd gain when I started eating again; 2 lbs, then 1 lb, then I stopped weighing since it was making me sad. Then I lost the ability to hold on, and I pigged out. The next day, another pig out. Feeling like I'll fail again. I haven't lost that insane uncontrollable urge for food, and I always just give in. There isn't even a mental argument. No fight. Just "i'm going to eat." period. 

Today was my Cardiologist appt (I LOVE my new cardio!) and he gave me clearance immediately, no other tests needed. He said I looked great and he didn't even recognize me when he walked in the room. 

So I guess that's it. The surgery is a "go". 

Tomorrow I start the Optifast again. On Thursday I stop my coumadin, fish oil, aspirin. 

The following Tuesday is my surgery.

Can't believe it's really going to happen. I'm excited. 

Worried about my inability to stop eating. What if I stretch my pouch out and end up putting it all back on? I think I need to start therapy right away. Unfortunately, I can't afford a copay every week. 

I really need to go back to work. Disability just ain't cuttin' it. 

I feel so  good in my "skinny jeans". 

Today's weight: 308.  

Today my Nephrologist signed off on my medical clearance from a kidney/blood perspective. He said my numbers have been the same for quite some time, my cholesterol is fantastic (!) and if my H&H is low, i can get a transfusion before/during/after the surgery. So now just the Cardiologist and i'm good to go.

Still losing weight, every single day. Down to 308 today. Just 6 more lbs and it will be 100 lbs that i've lost since November. Hard to believe. I'm feeling good, looking much better, still having trouble walking. If it's not one thing, it's another. Lower back is killing me, knees are so stiff they hardly bend, and now there's a horrendous pain in my right foot. It might be gout, not sure. But it's in the gouty spot. (sigh). 

My clothes are hanging off me. Can't wait to move into some smaller jeans and shirts. 

Surgeon's office said to stop the Optifast, so I'm drinking Atkins protein drinks now. They're only 15g of protein instead of Optifast's 30g. I think tomorrow I'll have 4oz chicken. Kind of scared to do it though, don't want to lose this momentum I've got going.

Yesterday my friend Tami told me she's amazed at the difference in my face...today Dr. Numrungroad said he could really tell the difference and that i looked great...and when i went to Charita's to pick her up, she gasped when she got in the car, "OMG! You look great!" yeah. it's wonderful when people you see every couple of days notice the difference!!

i'm feeling good. i'm pretty confident that i'll get the clearance i need for the surgery. and if not, well, i'm leaving it in God's hands, where it belongs.