Lisa K.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I attended a job related convention this weekend which was held in a fairly swanky hotel.  Sugar and carbs (which convert to sugar) were the dietary staples.  Breakfast consisted of sweet rolls, muffins, bananas and apples with juice, coffee and tea for beverages.  Lunch yesterday was a croissant with turkey, bacon, tomato, and lettuce, potato salad, and a HUGE piece of pie with coffee, tea and water to drink.  Dinner that night was a mashed potato bar (yikes), some raw vegetables and cheese with coffee, water and alcohol.  Today, same breakfast as yesterday and for lunch we were served pasta, sausage, salad and a HUGE piece of cheesecake.  Right off the bat, I gave away the desserts then tossed the bread and ate anything that came close to having protein.  I was better off being hungry than being doubled over in pain.

Diet? Doing ok.  Exercise? Forget it.  I wanted to write a blog entry at least once every other day. LOL didn't happen.  If you looked at my planner, you'd understand.  Everyday it has been work, grandchildren, a death, a funeral dinner to plan, and/or hearings in court (job related, I'm not in trouble..lol).  I tried to fit exercise in but honestly, if I wasn't working, I was sleeping.  The good news is I lost a pound.  I've also been reading my old Overeaters Anonymous book which has really given me some eye opening points about going to a Higher Power, (I call Him God) and depending on Him to help me with my crazy obsession on food.  I don't think I can work the steps without going to meetings, fellowshipping with other members and getting a sponsor, but I can definitely strive to fix my focus on seeking God for help until I can attend a meeting.  However, I can say with complete gratitude, my Doctor (Dr. Robert Cooper of Seymour, IN) recommended seeking support through ObesityHelp.com and going through a struggle with others gives me strength.  I definitely think that when you are on a team, you have a better chance of success.  Next week I have only two things to do other than my normal schedule and one of them is to meet with someone who is going to develop a fitness plan for me on weights (wahoo!), so I can get back into walking/running AND start strength training :-)

This morning I woke up depressed which happens fairly often, unfortunately, but two significant things happened today -- actually three.  First, I remember my dad telling me that whenever I get depressed to "put legs on [my] depression."  So after drinking a protein shake and a cup of coffee, I put on my cute Asics and went walking.  I live in the country which is very hilly so climbing and descending felt good on my hips and legs.  Second, I was able to maintain the same pace going up and down the hills.  I didn't slow down and that is a big accomplishment for me because it means that my daily walks are paying off!  Third, I was able to stay almost within calorie range.  I had set my range from 800-1200 calories with a minimum of 45 grams of protein  and I went slightly over by 20 calories but I got in over 60 grams of protein.  As for my weight, nothing has changed.  I still weigh the same, but I think that as I continue to exercise and watch my diet, I can lose the weight.  The worst that can happen is that I weigh the same but feel better.  At my age, feeling good is as important as looking good. 

I dug out my old "Overeaters Anonymous" book to revisit the steps.  After reading the first three chapters, I noticed one major flaw in my weight loss is that  I forgot that I am a food addict.  Diets and surgery won't change the way I think and it won't stop my compulsive eating.  I need a Higher Power to help me.  I need God as I understand Him and more importantly, I need to trust He will help me.  So often He was left out this weight loss/ healthy lifestyle I had to adopt,  not because He was unwilling to help me, but because I was unwilling to listen.  If I want to end this life of weight gain madness, I have to include God in my decisions and plans.  I have to let Him direct me or I am doomed to fail again.

I've had small, almost miniscule victories this week but victories nonetheless.  I exercised every day.  I didn't exercise a full 30 minutes each time but I got in 20 minutes here and 25 minutes there.  I also did a fairly good job counting my grams of protein but honestly, I'm going to have to break down and count calories and carbs as well.  To a normal person this seems so small and insignificant, but to me it's HUGE.  It's huge because my mind is being transformed as my body transforms.  I have never been good at self discipline and although the RNY did the discipline for me when it came to physically wanting food, it didn't renew myway of thinking about food.  Hence, I'm in the process of living this mantra:  Food is not my friend and food is not my enemy.  Food is to keep me nourished and alive.

Yesterday, I was up early and due to a busy schedule I knew it was going to be challenging to incorporate proper diet and exercise into my day.  I was surprised how well I did and I was even more surprised that I didn't fall too far into my usual habit of eating a ton of carbs to keep going.  I think part of my success was due to developing the habit of listening to my body.  I've been exercising everyday so my body is sore (especially my feet) but it feels better (except my feet).  It feels more energized --- less sluggish.  Another thing I've noticed is because I've ramped up my protein, I've been less hungry. In fact, so much so that I am not obsessing on eating -- rather I'm thinking about other things I can do to fill my time during the day.  I am also sleeping better.  I know that is due, in part, to exercising but also I am making sleep an important part of my day.  Last night, I got home very late and because I had not had access to the Internet, I had to check my work related emails and respond to them before bed.  Guess what I did to help me stay awake? You got it.  I ate.  Not a lot, but I ate.  Hence, when my body says, "Bedtime!" it's time to go to bed. 

One more thing that's interesting about all this, is that I have made listening to my body a priority.  I think this is part of self love and care.  The strain my body went through when I was morbidly obese, and how much better it felt when I got 100lbs of weight off of it, is something I need to keep remembering.  Even if my mind sometimes strays toward entitlement, like "I deserve this cookie," or "One more won't hurt," my body prefers to rest from processing food all the time and would like to do it's job in keeping me healthy and alive by also exercising and getting proper rest.  The more I listen to my body the less I worry about appearance of it and more on taking care of it. 
"

I woke up at 4:55 am today and after getting my faculties together, I got to thinking of when things started to go south on my weight gain.  I think it began when I worked night shift at a hospital as a Nurse Assistant.  The first year I worked there I lost 15 lbs because of the physical demands yet I ate like a horse.  However, the next year I switched units and for Christmas, the Doctors gave us gifts in the form of food.  I gained 5lbs back and began to build an immunity to sugar.  One cookie here, a bite of candy there and compound that with less stress and physical activity, the weight slowly crept up again.  Then we switched from 8 hour shifts to 12 hour shifts, so when I wasn't working I was sleeping and if the night was quiet, I would eat to stay awake.  And what did I eat? Carbohydrates and sugar to give me energy.  Not only did I gain all the weight I had lost back, but added a few pounds, in total, 22 lbs.  Psychologically, that's a drop in the bucket as I've lost over 100 lbs but if I can gain 22 lbs, I can gain 50lbs and if I can gain 50lbs, I can gain another 50lbs.  You see where this could go and it just can't!  

Happily, I gave up the hospital job and got a job that not only pays more but the hours are during the day which means I am getting more sleep at night.  Not only that, the hours are flexible which allows me to exercise.  I joined the YMCA about a month ago and have been developing a habit of going there, even if it's for 20 minutes.  I want to run a 5K in November that my company is sponsoring, so I have a goal.  When it was light enough for me to get outside, I did.  I ran/walked 2.5 miles.  Yesterday I tracked my food intake and counted how many grams of protein (80 for the day).  I need to track carbs and calories, but for now, one step at a time.  In all of that we do to make changes, it comes down to one step at a time.

Yesterday was a bad eating day. I ate fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a roll when we went out for dinner last night.  On the flipside, I did only eat half of it and boxed the rest.  After we ate, we went to Walmart where I bought a pack of EAS shakes (the best tasting imo) and some Protein bars.  I also ate cheese and crackers (real cheese on Triscuits) and a half bag of those peanut butter pretzels.  I can't tell you what else I ate because I didn't keep a record of it.  Bad, Lisa! Bad! I didn't exercise either, but I was really tired from having been in 5th gear for the last few weeks (new job, 50th wedding anniversary, birthdays) and I really just wanted to rest.  I haven't reread my Post Op manual but I do remember that I need to keep a record of what I eat and focus on eating less carbs and more protein.  I believe 65 grams?  So today I ate an egg, a half bowl of slow cooked oatmeal and a slice of real cheese.  The total amount of grams was 18.  I made navy beans yesterday and kale, so for lunch today it will be "beans and greens" and they add up to 17 grams of protein.  I noticed that salt depletes protein in food so I will have to start weaning myself off salt.

I did really well in the exercise department.  I went to the Y and walk/ran for 30 minutes so I can run a 5K in November.  If you want to see this plan, here is the link: http://victory-fitness.blogspot.com/2013/10/three-miles-in-30-days-running-program.html?m=1.  It was pretty doable.  I didn't follow it perfectly, but I followed it very closely and will do better tomorrow.  Everyday is an opportunity to move forward, and today I took a teeny baby step.  Let's hope the day continues to be successful.

I see the wisdom in rejoining this support site.  I am so appreciative of the encouraging comments I received from my first post.  It's so nice to know that when it comes to a battle (in anything), you are not alone in your fight.  This is a blessing.  You all are a blessing.  Today, I decided to re-read my post op manual that my Dr gave me and call to see when he offers his support meetings.  I am also going to start my food journal again.  I think my biggest problem was (and is) falling back into old habits --- I have been too comfortable over the last 5 yrs.  I need to redevelop the habits I once had when I began this journey. 

I'm picking up weight again.  I've kept most of the weight off but it's starting to creep up.  My portion sizes are too large, my food choices are poor --- I'm too comfortable.  Joining this site again (hopefully) will help me get back on track.  I don't want to go backward but move forward.  I need to redevelop good eating habits and remember that this weight loss is a lifestyle change forever.  I've seen so many people regain the weight.  I know that people look at WLS with skepticism.  I want to show them that there are success stories, my story being one of them.