MickATL

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This morning I went in and had another .1 cc taken out of my band. Earlier this week, my surgeon removed .15 cc and today I had another .1 cc. Now that leaves .1 cc additional in there before I started last Friday.

I debated just having them put me back to square one but the band is adjustable and I did go in to see my surgeon for some reason. Maybe the incremental adjustment will make a difference. I can always go back and have my band adjusted. That is the beauty of it.

So, today I will try to eat my 3oz of lean protein and a small amount of produce. Let's hope it all works!

I called my surgeon's office yesterday and left a message for his nurse telling her I think the fill I got on Friday was a little too tight. She back yesterday afternoon and said he wanted me to come in today at 7:15am. That's pretty fast. I think he squeezes people in before surgery begins.

When I go into the room, I wait a few minutes and he comes in. His nurse reviews the weights-- 246 in January and 223 on his scale today. He's really happy with that. He asks why I think I'm too tight and I explain what I've experienced. Mostly, it's the issue with lean protein. He agrees and removes .15 cc's of the .35 he put in on Friday. Not a huge amount but it's 1/3 of what he put in. I think I am truly at the fine tuning stage with my band.

He then tells me that he thinks I am at the stage in life where the band isn't the major component in my overall success. A little in or out isn't going to make a huge difference. It's the measuring portions, making healthy eating decisions, exercising regularly and so on. He said, "Michael, you are at the season in life where you basically decide you need to lose 10 or 20 lbs and just do it. The band is intended for people who need to lose 50 - 100+ lbs and you have already done that. Now you need to maintain your weight the same way normal people do."

I think he basically feels like I have done it. I've reached a normal weight range in his eyes. That whether I add a little or take a little out of the band, it's not really going to make a huge difference. Most of the real work is up to me. I have always known this anyway. It does a great job of dimming my appetite but it does not change what foods sound appealing or what I put into my mouth. How could it? There is a big part of this journey that is mental and requires a huge comittment to change.

So here I am just shy of one month before my 3 year anniversary being all introspective. I believe there is so much more change I have left to do. Nobody will really see the changes as they are not physical. What is wonderful about this process is it's not a roadrace-- there is no finish line. I am constantly learning and evolving.

This morning, I had some banana (about 1/4) after I ate my yogurt for breakfast. It went down alright. Test #1 - passed. Next, I had some leftover cream of garlic soup that Jack made for dinner last night for lunch. That doesn't have anything to do with how tight the band is. It just was really good and was sitting in the fridge. After I had the leftover soup, I portioned out 1 slice of lunchmeat - approximately 1oz. I took my time and chewed it up really well. So far, 15 minutes after eating it and I'm doing okay.

It (the band) is definitely tighter than it was before. .35 cc's makes a huge difference once the band is already adjusted. It seemed pretty tight a year ago. Getting it to feel snug or properly adjusted didn't take much fluid but that small amount made a HUGE difference. I have to figure out if it was too much fluid or the right amount. If it was too much, I can schedule an appointment with anyone in my surgeon's office to remove a little fluid. I would probably have them remove .10 cc and see how it feels.

I've said it many times to other people on message boards but it deserves repeating... getting my band adjusted won't change what I put in my mouth. It won't do my grocery shopping, order healthy off a menu for me or change what foods sound tasty to me. It should help me feel satiated with smaller portions. There is a big part of this process that falls on my shoulders. So I am recomitting to measuring portions, taking small bites, chewing my food thoroughly, not drinking while eating, waiting an hour after eating and getting in my daily exercise.

I am gonna get my act together and be accountable. Healthy behaviors lead to long term success.

Yesterday I was on liquids for the day and today I'm doing more of the same. Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast and some yogurt for lunch. Doing pretty good. Jack is going to make a cream of garlic soup for dinner. I am dealing with allergies (runny/stuffy nose) and a scratchy throat. So, he thinks the soup may help me feel better.

I think I will have to relearn some bandster basics tomorrow when I try solid food. Things like small bites, chewing really well before swallowing, etc. Worse case, I will go back and have a little fluid removed from my band. Hopefully, this fill is the magic amount. I guess we'll see. The opening looked pretty narrow to me on the x-ray machine yesterday. I'm sure it's not an accurate picture of what is actually going on in there.

So, tomorrow REAL food and it's my birthday!

Just got home from my fill appointment with my surgeon. He said everything looked great (always good to hear). Then he said that he thought I looked terrific, "Michael, you look like you are at a great weight for your height. You looked like you were too thin before." Oy veh! I hate that. He knew about my motorcycle accident. I told him about gaining 40 lbs since the accident and losing that. Told him I am pretty close to the same weight I was at my last fill. Again, he said he thinks I'm doing great.

Then the fill process began. He numbed up the area above the port and inserted the larger needle into the port. Then the x-ray table went vertical. He handed me a cup of barium and had me take a swallow. Voila! There was my band, in action, restricting the flow of liquid through my stomach. I could see the pouch above my band, the band itself and the stomach below the band. He added more liquid to the band and let go of the plunger on the syringe and the liquid pushed back into the syringe. He said that indicated that the band had pressure against it from my stomach. We could see that on the fluoro screen. He pushed in about .5 or 1 cc and had me swallow. The liquid dramatically slowed down thru the band. You could see the liquid ball up above the band and even back up toward the esophogus. He said he felt it was too tight but it was up to me. It's very hard to figure out what will work with liquid when the band is restricting solid food. We ended up settling on .35 cc's. Now, I am on liquids for 2 days.

It's always very cathartic to SEE my band in action. To see it in there doing its job. I know it's there but seeing it is different than feeling it. Maybe after this last fill, it will kick in and help me feel satiated after meals. Next month is 3 years post op. That's pretty unbelievable!

I am sitting here waiting to have my fill. Thoughts are swirling in my mind. Mostly, I have needed this for a while. Will my surgeon agree? It has been over a year since I have seen him. Just under a month until my 3 year bandiversary. My birthday is in 3 days and wedding in a couple of weeks. These 'milestomes' only add stress to my life. What I want is a lifestyle that is healthy. I want to stop being a sweets fiend. Will a fill change that? No. I know this. It will help me feel satiated qith smaller portions.

I hope everything is okay with my band and stomach. A small fill might make all the difference. Guess we'll see what the surgeon says.

My birthday present to myself is an adjusted band and all that goes with it- limited portion sizes, need to adhere to eating band-friendly foods, chewing, not drinking while eating and so on. The food bizarre is over. It's a new day and I intend to let my band help me reach my goal weight and maintain it.

With the new national healthcare legislation that has passed, restaurants will be required to put fat-grams and calories on menus so people will know exactly what they are putting in their bodies before they consume it. I think this is a great idea. This was done in New York a year or two ago. Of course, it was met with a huge push back back by the restaurant industry. They claim that they provide this information in their restaurants either on posters (conveniently hidden way in the back by the bathrooms) or behind the counter available upon request. This way of conveying the information is more effective at getting people to realize what they are actually consuming.

Burger King has a great nutritional information calculator that lets you select each menu item and it ads it to your "Meal" and then gives you the total calories. A typical order for me used to be a whopper (670cals), large fries (540cals), large chocolate shake (960cals) - 2,170 calories. That is one meal. Add to that two extra meals and it's no wonder I was 300+ pounds.

Most of these fast food chains and larger restaurants provide their nutrtional information online but, when you are there, what's the point? They know this. I try to review restaurant's menus and nutritonal information before I go and have a dining plan so I don't order what sounds good. Normally, what sounds good to me is a fatty or savory item not a lean protein with a fresh fruit or vegetable on the side. (See my previous blog entry!).

Some people think adding this information to menus is too in your face. I think it's a long time coming. Our society is getting obese because we consume far too many calories. Showing them how many they are taking in at the point of consumption is a great starting point. It might not stop someone who really wants a Double Whopper but, it might make them think twice.

For some reason I find myself standing in the pantry late at night again. It will be 3 years in June since I've had my surgery. I guess some things never change. Well, maybe they do. I aknowledge what I'm doing and that is a fantastic step toward making change. I know this. I discuss this issue with my therapist and she wants me to think about what I'm feeling when I am doing this or when I crave certain foods.

I think it is stress, anxiety or depression. These seem to be the eating triggers for me. Sweets and snacking seem to provide an instant gratification feeling. I have heard about WLS patients who either regain their weight, become sex addicts, gambling addicts or shop-a-holics. It sort of makes sense because we trade one addiction- food, for another. If you cannot eat large quantities of food because of your surgery, what do you do? Shop? Gamble? Have Sex? What "Tickles" that part of your brain that wants to feel good right now? I think I struggle with that to some extent.

When I am exercising on a regular basis, it releases endorphins into the brain which is a form of a high and sort of gives me that "fix". But, it's not really the same thing. Realizing that I'm doing this and I desire these quick fixes is important. If you read the forums on OH long enough, you see these common threads. It seems we all get frustrated with "something" but it's really not getting that fix that we used to get.

So, how do you change how your brain's been wired when it's been that way for decades? Yes, it's wonderful that I am almost 3 years post op and have maintained the bulk of the weight I've lost. I feel so much better than I did before my surgery and I have no regrets. But when I find myself wanting to eat a bag of M&M's at 10 o'clock for no reason except head hunger, it reminds me that I am still the same fat guy trapped in a thinner body. Will these desires ever go away?

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, she died 7 years ago. I still miss her and probably always will. I think I find reasons to be stressed, anxious or depressed. We have replaced all the windows in our house last week and they look beautiful but it was a big ticket item. Combine that with all the travel we are going to do in the next 4 months and we have a tight budget. Maybe this is what is weighing on my mind. Jack and I are getting married next month. I am really happy and excited about that. We bought our rings last month and they are sitting in my underwear drawer upstairs. I'm wondering if I subconsciously am trying to sabotage my wedding by snacking/eating so my ring won't fit. I have been exercising every day, eating healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners but I snack at night and I crave sweets/desserts. Normally, when I am on my game and have this much "sweat equity" in my program, I am not doing this. So, I figure it has to be stress, anxiety or depression that is eeking it's way into my thought process.

I need a mental intervention! I need to shake the baby inside me and make him stop crying for what he wants. It is just a want and not a need. I know these things. It sounds so good on paper and yet.... at 10 o'clock at night, the baby seems to make perfect sense. The insane are leading the asylum in my mind! So, maybe I need to slow it down, try to get back to basics and journal. It's the things I don't like doing that usually shed the most light on my behaviors. Maybe that's why I don't like doing them.

I want to be a long term success with my surgery and not a quick to goal one. 3 years is a blink in the eye on this journey. Coming to terms with these mental issues is absolutely critical to learning to work my tool correctly. I know this.I have an appointment scheduled with my surgeon on May 20th. Maybe a fill will help. I have a feeling it's a combination of fill level in my band and mental. May 20th is 3 days before my birthday. What a birthday present. No food for you! It's also about 3 weeks before our wedding. We have so many trips coming up Vermont (June), Las Vegas (July) and Alaskan cruise (August). I want to get myself back into the right mindset-- measuring portions, making healthy eating choices, no snacking, exercising everyday and PLANNING HEALTHY MEALS. I have sort of stopped doing the latter. I felt a lot better when I was going thru recipe sites and cookbooks and found healthy things to eat. I need to get back into that again.

So, this was my confession for today. I got through my mother's birthday in the best way I could. Next week, I travel to San Francisco about 40 lbs lighter than my family saw me last (after my motorcycle accident). Am I where I want to be? No. Honestly, I don't care. It's a lifelong journey and they'll be surprised that I am the weight I am. I am more concerned about coming home without gaining and being ready for my appt with the surgeon. Either way, bring it on! I want to get my band tweaked and an attitude adjustment. I have done so well since January. I don't want to stray off the path too long before making corrections.

Friday night, Jack and I went to a local eatery to meet up with a club we're in. They were doing a "Beer Bust" fund raiser for a no kill animal shelter here in Atlanta. Our club does these "Beer Bust" fundraisers almost every month for different charities at this particular restaurant. It's a Mexican restaurant and they have great food. My only complaint is that the club does their functions outside on a patio/deck which is great because the weather is nice but, there's a pizza place next door. So while you're sitting outside at a Mexican restaurant, you smell pizza! It's just wierd!  Okay, I strayed off my story!

When I got to the restaurant, I walked out to the patio outside and saw my fellow club members. Most were already sitting at tablesout there. I started walking around saying my hello's and several people said, "Mick, you are looking really good!" It's nice when people notice the effort I put into getting into shape. I had gained close to 30 lbs. I have been working out regularly for 4+ months and lost 40+ lbs. I've gone from a 44" waist to a 38" waist. I was back up to an XL shirt and now can wear a large. Now they notice.

I don't work out or pursue my health for other people. I do it for me. I want to feel healthy and to feel good in my own skin. But, getting a compliment is always nice!

With the weather being so nice, I have been trying to get outside and get my yards back in shape. Last week, I cut down a few small trees that have been growing around a large oak tree in my back yard. Yesterday, I decided to cut down the last tree that was right up against it. It was about 10" at the base and a good 25 - 30 feet tall. I did the whole notch in the front where I wanted it to fall and then started cutting the back but... the tree had a mind of its own and came down backwards! I was freaking out as it started to fall. It landed over our fence and on my neighbor's back deck. The tree pinched my chainsaw and I couldn't get it out of the tree. Long story short, one of the neighbor's came home shortly after and I told her what happened. She was really sweet and let me use their chainsaw. Jack came home from work (crisis) and I cut off all the limbs of the tree as he threw them over our fence. Then I cut up the trunk of the tree into stumps. Believe it or not, the tree didn't do any damage! They have a screened in porch and it didn't even piece the screen. I am soooo lucky. 

Well, I spent a few hours out back cleaning up the mess and started chipping up the branches. I am going to go out back today and do some more chipping. I guess I am not the lumberjack I thought I was. At least I didn't put the tree through their living room or hurt anyone!