it aint all glitter and sunshine.

Aug 31, 2011

I'm creeping up on 10 months since surgery.....

STATS

320 lbs to 145.5 lbs
Sz 24 to sz 5/6
3/4xl to SMALL
Sz 11 to Sz 10 Shoes
42C to 34A

This journey has been so much more than losing a metric ton of weight in a tiny amount of time.  It's been a complete and utter mind fuck for lack of better words.  I am shocked when I look in the mirror.  I just stare at the girl looking back, I dont believe she's ME!   I don't feel comfortable going to stores that dont have a Plus department... Not that I need to go to it, but because I feel like I dont belong.  I feel like an outsider.  It's so hard.  I just go to Goodwill and garage sales.  I feel less judged there.  Thing is, I KNOW in my BRAIN that these people have no clue WHERE I've come from, who I am, and that I haven't always been tiny like this...... so Why do I feel like they all are staring at me?  why do I feel like I should just leave said store that I've never stepped foot in b/c I know they dont have that in size 24?!  

Who am I to bitch about this stuff?  Seriously... I mean, if I read this a year ago, I'd hate me!  I'd be like wtf... that girl is a whining bitch.  wearing a size 6 crying b/c she doesnt feel comfortable shopping?  does she know how hard it is to shop when you are 300lbs?  so to all of you thinking that, who are pre-surgery.. get at me when you are doing this same shit....

I'm pretty much over being told "You need to stop losing" " You are too thin"..... Yeah, shut the fuck up.  I am aware of how thin I am, and fully aware that YES.. I need to stop losing.  I am thinner than I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE!  Like 50 lbs thinner than I thought I'd ever be.  I figured I'd lose 100lbs and still be big, just not giant.  Never ever did I think I would wear Justice's clothing.  NEVER in my life did I think my clothes would be a single digit size.  
I'm also sick of defending myself.  I DO EAT, I eat a lot.  I am so ready to just start screaming at people to shut their mouths.


So to conclude.  This is not all glitter, puppies kitties and fucking rainbows.  yeah, Im not fat anymore.... thats a bonus.  Im super happy with the loss, and super happy with my improved health, and improved self image..... but yeah.  it's not all awesomesauce.  
 

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