Just tired today...

Jun 24, 2011

This post is going to take me all day to write because you can't type/read while crying.  Today I'm just tired of fighting, tired of trying over and over again and coming up short.  The PROBLEM with that is that I can't be tired of fighting, I can't be tired of trying because when you get tired or when I get tired I just don't want to do it anymore and I want to GIVE UP.  I so remember those PREOP days.  I remember being 345lbs and losing down to 300.  Then YEARS later being 325 and getting down to 300.  I REMEMBER the frustration of NOT being able to get to see a 2 begin my weight and saying "Oh well I guess 300 pounds is MY set point."  This WAS my reality BEFORE I had WLS and all the while I was praying this wouldn't be my reality AFTER surgery as well.  Yet here I am almost 4 years later.  I've gained 20lbs since October 2010, which puts me 40lbs from my goal weight.  I'm in a scary place and it just SEEMS like it's getting darker and I keep trying and trying and it just feels like the quicksand in pulling me down deeper and deeper and the more I struggle the harder it's getting.

I KNEW going into WLS that there would come a time.  A time YEARS from the date of my surgery not necessarily would I be struggling like I am, but you can run from your past but often times you are just running and sooner or later your past catches up and for many especially those of US who have regained where we FEEL like we are BACK to where we started.  I just thank God that I'm struggling at 220 as opposed to 345, ya know.  This struggle seems doable I mean it's not wanting to lose 125...it's just wanting to lose 40...today and for a minute it FEELS like the old 125.  Then that old "well maybe MY set point is 220" comes talking to me.  I don't know where I thought I'd be at 3 1/2 years but I don't think I thought I'd be HERE...

I've spent most of the day working and re-reading ALL the posts I've made through my journey.  I just re-read "Why I had WLS"  I wrote it over 2 years AGO to the day and reading it today is just as meaningful.  I've lost my way somehow.  Lost the "reason" why I had WLS to begin with.  Lost the passion that went with everyday/every moment eating decisions.  Lost my purpose for being here.  Lost a whole helluva lot.

I have been on OH since October 2006.  I faithlyfull wrote about my experience along the way.  The ups and downs and emotions etc.  I told myself WAY back then (almost 4 years) ago to post every month.  Good bad or indifferent.  Even if I was REPEATING the same struggles to write about it anyway.  Obviously if I was repeating the same struggles then I hadn't over come them so it IS really important to repeat them anyway.  Alas I didn't REMEMBER that I told myself that...this is what I have "selective memory."  

So today I'm yet again climbing on the horse....reminding myself of my previous months posts declaring that no matter what I WILL post an update, a reflection, a something blog once a month if nothing else to remind me...of why I came here, why I HAD to have WLS, why I CAN succeed.

Here I am and I MUST remind myself that I STILL have RESTRICTION.  I STILL am NOT physically HUNGRY.  I STILL have ALL the reasons why I wanted to have WLS staring me in the face.  I STILL am capable.  I have to STOP listening to the head hunger.  I have to STOP saying "it's ok to have a donut here and there afterall it's NOTHING compared to what I could put away preop so it's ok right?"  I have to STOP making excuses for myself, the same ones I made at 300+lbs...I'm tired, it's to hot, it's to cold, my knee/ankle hurts, I'm bored, I'm angry, I'm happy, I'm sad, it's the weekend, it's a celebration.  I REMEMBER all those old words and old excuses BECOMING my current words my current excuses.  I'm still ME just 100lbs lighter then the last time I made them.

Ok so I'm back and I pray and those who pray pray with me, that the Lord continues to move in my life and to give me strength when I'm weak and show me the path when I can't see.  Hopefully next month when I DO post it'll be a brighter light...today is dark but I see some light...

Ms Shell

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