Nikki C.

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I cannot drink one more protein shake.  I am literally sick to my stomach. Taking a sip I start getting nauseous and it takes all I have to swallow. 

I am only on my second one for the day and feeling like I want to vomit. They don't even taste decent anymore but I am COMPLETELY empty! Ugh! 

Too much anxiety right now as in general for no reason because Im not thinking about anything but what i have to do to make my house presentable for my parents by 7:00pm when I get home at 6:00pm.   I have shit laying around and the counters are cluttered from CVS bags and this and that for surgery but my mom is so anal she will come in my house and immediately start washing something and vaccuming.  Like I want to be worried about vaccuming a day before surgery.

I wish they weren't coming until like 10pm tonight damn them! I just might lose it on them if they start with me.  I am 31 and they act like I am going on 13!  I am just in a mood today.  I should have taken off!

Having a really hard time today.  I just don't want to drink anything.  I'm feeling tired and a little week from the little consumption I've had.  Shakes are making me sick to my stomach now. I've had enough!  I did make my protein requirement though.

Wednesday 9/9

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

 

Oh Yea Vanilla                    32                           3                              220

Atkins Strawberry             15                            1                              150

                                                
                                              68                            7                               480

Well today the nerves started kicking...well anxiety not nervous.  Lots going through my head.  Really didn't want to drink anything and was low on my protein and overall fluids AGAIN.  I need to try better on Wednesday.

Tuesday 9/8

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

EAS Choc Fudge                 17                           2                              110

EAS Choc Fudge                 17                           2                              110

Decaf Splenda

Coffee & Cream                                                                                  45 ( creamers)

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

 

                                                55                           7                              375

Well so much for the BBQ's.  I kept my doors closed so I didn't have to smell anyones grills. I actually didn't have a great weekend - I was under calories and carbs some days.  I'm just sick of drinking and really didn't want anything.  Yesterday (mon) I was out shopping and realized I hadn't had anything and I was feeling sick.  I slept most of the afternoon. 

I wish I wasn't still having dreams about food though.  I wake up and have pinch myself and have to question did I eat that? Holy Moly! 

Well I'm in the home stretch.  Next week at this time I can at least have some damn soup with some flavor.  I hope the protein powder taste good in soup! 

Saturday 9/5

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Monster Milk Choc             18                           5                              130

SF Popsicle                            0                              2                              15          

Broth 14oz                            2                              0                              25                          

EAS Choc Fudge                 17                           2                              110

Sf Popsicle                            0                              2                              15

RTD 51

Cookies & Cream                51                           6                              250

Tomato Juice                       2                              8                              50

 

                                                90                           25                           595

 

               

Saturday 9/6

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

                               

EAS Choc Fudge                 17                           2                              110

Tomato Juice                       2                              8                              50

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

EAS Choc Fudge                 17                           2                              110

 

                                                57                           185                         380

 

 

Monday 9/7

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Tomato Juice                       2                              8                              50

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

Pure Protein

Vanilla                                   21                           3                              100

Tomato Juice 4oz                1                              4                              25

                                               

                                                66                           21                           395

So happy I got out of work early!  Not real news to post but my liquid diary.

Friday  9/4

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

Decaf Coffee

& Cream                               0                              0                              30

Atkins Mocha                      15                          1                              160

Sugar Free Popsicle             0                              2                              15

Calcium Chews                                                    2                              5

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

Tomato Juice                       2                              8                              50

Monster Milk Choc             18                           5                              130                                        

                               

                                                77                           26                           610

Today was a bad day for me emotionally.  I just didn't want to deal with anything.  I had my pre-op surgery appointment which was not really what I expected but oh well.  Nothing I didn't already know.  Saw a few graphic operation photos and got my scripts and on my way.

I was so tired last night from cleaning the night before that I passed out SUPER early.  I didn't even have my evening shakes so I was 1 gram under protein for my goal and under calories too.

Thursday  9/3

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

Atkins Milk Choc                15                           1                              160

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

Tomato Juice                       2                              8                              50

 

                                                59                           15                           430

I'm very upset right now.  I had to fight off some tears when looking at photos.  I asked the girl at work to take some before shots of me - all full body from EVERY angle.  What I saw was awful.  I don't even know who that person is. Nevermind being big all over but my face is not even who I am.  My face has blown up so much that all my features people compliment me on...eyes, smile, they are all hidden by the fat that surrounds them. 

I wanted to remind myself and other people that even at other times in my life being overweight I was still pretty.  It's been a more than a year since I have "looked" pretty.

In the past 3 years I have gained and lost so much weight several times, I am surprised it has not killed me doing so.  70lbs here and 40lbs there.  3 years ago in 2006 at this very same time I weight 240lbs which is 84lbs EIGHTY FOUR LBS I gained BACK but nonetheless last year at this very same time I was in another program and was back down to 268 when I had gotten back up to 308. And in one year i've gained another 56lbs putting me at my starting weight of 324 went I went to consultation in July 2009.

I don't know what it is about food, but everything about it devours my entire being and self worth, time and time again.  But when I am binging I just think of how it feels that moment.  How good everything tastes and how full and relaxed I feel.  If there was a way to remove tast buds I would.  And when I started eating more why couldn't I stop.  I am honestly embarrassed to say how much food I've eaten in the recent past.  McDonalds always has been my place of choice for a bing.  The most ever I think was a 10pc nugget meal with medium fries and a hi c orange, 3 double cheeseburgers and a regular size vanilla milkshake.  I'm starving just typing about the food but when I eat it, I'm not thinking about what I see now and what I used to see. I'm not even sure where, when and how my self destruction happened. 

I don't have any answers about the person I am today.  I just can't do this anymore.  I feel awful both physically and mentally and today I feel like if I could eat something, I would instantly feel physically better.  I know I can't sabatoge my surgery so that's not happened, but I even dreamt about it last night.  I dreamt I ate bacon and some other meats because it was protein and how would that hurt surgery if I am suppose to be on a high protein diet. Who the F dreams about food! 

I'm feeling really run down right now from these feelings.  I go for my presurgical appt today and I'm not even in a good mood.  I just want to lie down and sleep to put this out of my head.  I know I am on the road and I've already started the car but will I ever get to my destination without the car breaking down or taking detour after detour which has been my constant cycle. 

My first weight loss goal is to get down to Calendar weight 270lbs, then to cruise '07 weight 240lbs, then back to high school weight 215lbs, then to my goal weight of 175lbs and hoping I have enough left in me, continue towards the dr's goal weight of 138lbs. The numbers are unimaginable.

I'm not sure what's going to get me through today or the days ahead of me.  I just know I need to stay away from cameras and mirrors. I can handle the numbers on the scale, just not the truth of what everyone sees because I don't even recognize who that is - that person is not me. 

So emotionally stressed! I'm done for now.

Today was kind of busy and I didn't consume much of anything.  Not to say I wasn't hungry but distracted.  I'm not sure who said it was not desireable to be hungry with this diet but truth be told I am hungry!

Wednesday 9/2

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Atkins Mocha Latte            15                           2                              160

Tomato Juice                       1                              7                              30

EAS Vanilla                          17                           1                              110

EAS Strawberry                   17                           1                              110

Lean Body Banana

w/ Hood Milk                       24                           3                              153

 

                                                74                           14                           563

Thank god for my tomato juice giving me some salt flavor !  I am not to fond of the broth...eh! 

Today I was less hungry and don't think I got as much of my clear fluids as I usually do, but doing ok.  Sort of getting used to the empty feeling.

Tuesday 9/1

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Atkins Vanilla                      15                           2                              150

Tomato Juice                       1                              7                              30

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

AES Vanilla                          17                           1                              110

Tomato Juice                       1                              7                              30

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                 21                           3                              110

Atkins Milk Choc                15                           1                              160

Calcium chews                                                     3

Trident 3 pcs                                                         3

                                               

                                                91                           30                           700

Pulling my hair out today - at my wits end.  Maybe it's PMS...my visitor is here and I am HUNGRY!  Still not caving though.  Damn these protein shakes!

Monday 8/31

                                                Protein                   Carbs                     Calories

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                  21                           3                              110

Atkins Mocha Latte               15                           2                              160

EAS Vanilla                          17                           1                              110

EAS Strawberry                    17                           1                              110

Sugar Free Jello                     0                            2                              10

Pure Protein

Cookies n Cream                  21                           3                              110

Tomato Juice 11oz                2                             12                            60

 

                                                93                           24                           670