I've lost 35lbs now since June 2011

Feb 07, 2012

 I've been going to the gym 2-3x a week. Food has still been a fighting issue for me, especially with going down on medication, i get depressed and there goes food in my mouth, i've been eating healthy food thoug, snacking on dried banana chips, carrots, celery, jello sugar free, trail mix, sea salt peanuits, raisins, organic fruit strips. i've been buying food from trader joes and whole foods, we have to find less fat meat in stop and shop. the food stamps are going too fast and not enough to stretch a month. ,

i'm waiting to try for a baby again. it's been a hard road.  i'm losing weight to be healthy for Nick & our future child, most of all myself. it's hard dealing with bipolar. every day is a struggle. i am fighting it, like a alcholic or a person on drugs. i cry, i get angry. i WILL NOT let it control me. I pray everyday. I know god hears me and my prayers get answered slowly. I'm just greatful for being alive everyday and that i'm doing this to live longer and healthier. I love having more energy then before and i have to get back into Just dance 3, its been 2 weeks. I've been slacking. Alot has been going on. I know i'll get back into it, Everyone goes on a plateu. I'm happy i'm going to counseling and talking it helps. I am hoping we can start trying in march or april. i'm nervous about the what if's. i just want a healthy child. no cleft palate.

i want the pregnancy i had with nick, minus the falling in the shower. i have a shower chair and i wont be working or going to school. so i'll be able to do what i have to do and when larry comes home, he gets the baby and me and nick spend time together also me and nick will have mommy and nick days. i love my son so much i want him to be a big brother, b/c i know this would be good for him. he wants a sibling. he's told me. he wants to help me with the baby. he wants a sister. he tells me all the time. he is nervous  as i am though and asked me, will you still play with me, and i said of course i will need your help b/c your a big boy and only if you want to. you will always be my first child and i will spoil him always. he is the best person to come in my life. he is my life and if me and larry never have a child. i will spoil nick forever, anything he wants he'll get b/c life is short and as long as i have the rent paid each month and cell. whatever money is left over will go to nick and i want him to enjoy food., toys games etc. i've always wanted to be a mother and i'm glad to. i wouldn't change it for anything. he keeps me going and makes me realize that life is wonderful. my purpose in life is to be a mother and love and be loved. i have that and for that i'm greatful.
 
larry wants a child with me and going to counseling with him made me see how much he is willing to be there for me, he told me, he supports me 100%. He will be there to make sure i'm ok and that i get through everyday. He is my rock, just like my mother. She's always been there. My family is important to me and i want a baby girl, b/c i want to have the bond that my mother has with me. I don't know the type of child i will have. I will raise her to be respectful and do my best. i pray she doesn't end up like me and i will get her counseling ifi notice anything wrong, she will get help right away. I'm prepared to get the best medical help for both my children. I pray and know she will come in our lives. I have a feeling. I just know. I've dreamt about it. i know it will happen. i have to stay positive about everything in my life. i will be 180 again.  i am going on a weekend vacation in  less than 2 weeks i'm excited i will have my baby girl one day, go on summer vacation,  get married, go to vegas. i'll have it all.  

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