Empowered =c)

Jan 01, 2012

 I took a leave of absence from serious  bariatric dieting.  I got pregnant (YAY!) and had baby...(YAY!) and while my surgeon warned me about getting pregnant before 14-18 months after surgery, my family Dr's assured me that I would never have children.  I will trade this miracle for the extra work it's going to now take to lose the weight.  I try to look at the overall journey, starting out at around 350...losing all of that weight,...losing my lapband...getting the sleeve...and then having baby.  =c) During the pregnancy, they diagnosed me with gestational diabetes.  I'm curious if maybe the results of the test that I took for the diabetes was thrown off due to my stomach.  When do I ever sit there and drink 50 ML of straight sugar?  It made me sick, took days to recover from that test and of course, my blood sugar jumped to 375 *scary* but I took the daily finger prick test and my blood sugar was fine for the most part.  A few jumps but nothing serious and I rarely had to take medication for it.  However, the diet that the counselor tried to put me on was 175g's of carbs and to stay away from the protein.  I went from 180 to 225.  Fantastic news though =c) Within a week of giving birth, I was down to 188.  

My body has changed in so many ways.  The way my body has adapted to food and the types of food that makes me gain weight has changed.  No longer does portion control alone work for me.  I'll admit that I've always been a slow loser and it's entirely my fault.  The type of food was low on the list of priorities.  The amount of food was what I paid attention to and I never really paid attention to my body telling me I was full.  I'd have a small portion and eat that small portion despite the fact that I was totally stuffed.  I drink while I eat.  Horrible and I'm addicted to it.  RIght now, I'm sitting here acknowledging it...with my coffee on one side and my egg scramble on the other.  I took three small bites of egg scramble and reached for the coffee...and I felt it.  That instant pain, full feeling that means there's too much.  Now I'm looking at both.  I want the coffee more than I want the food.  I wouldn't want the coffee if I didn't put gingerbread creamer in it (any suggestions on creamers for coffee that coordinates with my new lifestyle are more than welcome).  I should eat the food as it's good for me.  I'm thinking that since I woke up late (11:30am after going to bed at 4am due to a NY party) that I might save my scramble for a half an hour after I drink the coffee.  

Back to the body changing...it's no longer so simple.  I lost the baby weight to 188...I was so proud, but I'm currently weighing in at 209.  I don't eat a ton of food.  How can I?  But I've noticed grazing and even my portion control is out of control.  I had an enchilada meal the other day.  I took about 1/10 of the enchilada and two tablespoons of refried beans and that amount alone was enough to cover the paper plate.  That was a HUGE portion, but in retrospect, such a tiny portion compared to what I ate before surgery.  I could have eaten that entire plate and then some... but now, it's out of the question...in fact, no longer a question (that's how far removed I am from my OLD lifestyle).

It's time for a change.  Time to take control of my weight.  No magic genie is going to make this happen.  I have this tool and I know the tool works and I'm too damn stubborn and food obsessed to allow it to work for me as I work around it in every way I can.  I have no excuse.  I no longer physically crave food, I have head hunger...I need to do this, for myself, for my baby, for my husband, for everything I've ever wanted in life for myself.  If I can't do this, how can I be an example of healthy living to my child?  

I'm not going to beat myself up for my coffee and creamer and my egg scramble.  Nothing changes overnight and the fact that I acknowledged the problem and found a solution to it in the future (paying attention to the basic rules is a good start) then it's not a failure...it's simply a lesson to learn from, to move on from.  I haven't been on in awhile and I've noticed a few of my friends on my list are now posting on the Failed Surgery forum.  I'm not.  I'm posting on the Back on Track...because that's exactly where I'm at. 

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