PTHEG

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Well i am in heaven, It has been 25 years since I have been less than 200 hundred pounds.  I am quite clearly in transition.  I have no idea how to dress and no idea how to accept the changes my body is offering me in the mirror.  Some days I embrace the changes and somedays I want to eat and eat and eat to go back to the way I was.  I have a hard time with the way men now look at me.  Some guys that never talked to me before have all of a sudden started to say hi and flirt.  Oh my god it makes me mad!  I am still the same person and still me.  What the heck!!!!!!!!!  I just have to wrap my head around the changes and accept that men are idiots, LOL.

I am happy though!!!!!!!!!!!

My scale is stuck at 240 pounds.  It hasn't moved.  Am I eating too much, LOL.  I am not eating so that can't be it.  perhaps it is because I am constantly drinking and never let myself get hungry.  I am not too sure.  I made fruit smoothies yesterday and put some flax seed oil in it.  YUCK not a good idea. The taste was awful.  I remade it with great ingredients.  I added lots of blueberries, some orange juice, bit of banana, tomato, grapes and melon.  It is really good.  

Last night I went to Jeff foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engval the comediens.  Laughed all the way through and had a blast.  It was weird not having the hot dog with cheese and bacon smotherred in ketchup, onion sand mustard and a beer.  I had water.  yup, just water.
 
I have got to get on my treadmill but it is so darn hard to get motivated.  Our weather is -27 celcius.  Snowing and windy.  It has not stopped snowing since I came home  from the surgery and I have been home for one week now.  Lots to work on this week.  I hope I can get moving.  16/01/11

Today, was a killer.  I was starving and waiting for our meeitng to be over.  We went to the restaurant and everyone ordered yummy meals.  hamburgers, chicken fingers etc.  I ordered broth,LOL.  Yes Broth.  They all looked at me like I was crazy.  I survived and the soup tasted great.  I was full.  Never expected to be full and satisfied on just broth.  It makes me happy.  I haven't told anyone and it is really hard to side step questions.  I think they will catch on but I can't be sure. 14/01/11

today was my first day back in the real world.  The banadages I had at home were not right so I went to the grocery store.  While I was in there all I saw was food, food, food.  I have decided from day one that this is all in my head and that I can control my decisions about eating with my mind not my emotions. 

In safeway I rarely run into tester people who are giving samples.  guess what, today there were two of them.  food was everywhere, pictures and labels and smells.  It was hard to go in and just get tea, bandages and gatorade.  I bought it and left. 

Once again in control of my thoughts, I felt better.  I put the mind over matter idea to use and did not buy into the "poor me"  I can't have any.  Guess what, i just chose not to buy it and not eat it.  I chose that.  I did it.  I succeeded.  11/01/11