Puppie

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Cons:
* My food/fluid journalling totally fell apart this week. I keep trying to get it back together and it keeps falling apart. Ok seriously, self! Nothing goes in my mouth until it goes on the page!
* Work has gotten real *challenging* last couple of weeks. Posted a novel about it in my personal journal.
* When did St. Louis become the land of never-ending rain?
* My sister and niece are going through some scary times and I wish I was there.

Neutral:
* Not really sure whether I'm hitting protein and fluid targets this week because of my journalling failures. I suspect that I'm ok on protein and falling short on fluids. Fluid is how we flush the fat out and away! Must drink more fluid!
* Realizing that I'll be staying put in St. Louis until my 1-year surgiversary, but once I'm past that, I probably won't be long for this city. My sister is my heart and my heart is in Arkansas to stay. Realizing that it's just a matter of time until I move to Little Rock and put my heart-pieces back together. Bittersweet because I really love St. Louis a lot lot lot and doubt I will like Arkansas nearly as much as a place to live.

Pros:
* Worked out a schedule for how to fit together a workout and my workday and all my fluids and meals and meds, including the no-drinking periods. Think it will work.
* Got lots of yummy lunch meats at the grocery store. Yay for lunches next week!
* Those size 20 pants that j-u-s-t slid on with the help of Lipo in a Box 2 weeks ago are now fitting on the tight side of normal. Another week and they should be fitting comfortably? (!) 
* Realized all over again that my favorite work person deeply cares about me and will advocate, fight, and spend his considerable political capital on my behalf. I am loved and humbled.
* Just now the sun came out for the first time all week.

*************************************************************************
RNY 02/12/08
285/252/227/160?
St. Louis, MO

 Cons:
* Dude at work. Ask him the time and he tells you how to build a clock. Gawd.
* Can't wear my jeans anymore, they're just too big and won't stay at my waist.

Pros:
* I just sat here for 15 minutes trying to come up with another con and I couldn't.
* Got all my protein and water and vitamins every day this week.
* All the problems I was having before are gone. No more pain, and fatigue is vastly improved.
* Woke up a couple hours early almost every day this week, plus I'm having multiple long complicated dreams every night. Think it means I'm sleeping better and it gives me hope I'll get off the damn sleep apnea machine.
* Starting to have small moments where I have more energy than I did even pre-op. Can't wait for those moments to multiply.
* I'm cleared to eat lots of foods, and everything I've tried has sat great and tasted good.
* Sticking with protein-forward foods: tofu, eggs, cheese, turkey, veggie burgers, shrimp, fish. Yay me!
* Figured out that part of why I felt so crappy before was because of toast and mashed potatoes. Yay, I'm glad I don't react well to carbs! Much easier to stay away from them when you can remember feeling crappy because of them! Woot!!
* When I wear what used to be my normal clothes, I now look like a little girl playing dress-up in her mommy's closet.
* Bought some size 20 pants at TJ Maxx. I started this whole journey at size 26.
* Got my Lipo in a Box and it kicks butt!

*************************************************************************
RNY 02/12/08
285/252/233/160
St. Louis, MO

Cons:

* Real tough week for me. Called off work all week long. You all have heard it already -- bad hunger, debilitating back pain, ridiculous fatigue, difficulty making any sense of any of it, blah blah blah.
* Under goals on fluids and protein all week as a result of the problems.

Pros:

* I'm pretty sure I finally untangled everything and figured out what my new tummy wants, exactly. It seems to be different than what most post-op tummies want, which was part of the problem, as I was trying to follow advice. Heh. Figures. 
* Got out to Trader Joe's and got yummy food that my tummy likes.
* Starting to feel all right. Feeling optimistic about the work week on Monday and getting back to it.
* I wrote an email to my bariatric nurse outlining everything I'd figured out, both to keep her updated and in case anyone else like me comes along, hopefully they can get it figured out sooner than it took me. This is what she wrote me back: "you have great insight, I think you could write a fantastic book regarding your experience". Awh, shucks.   

*************************************************************************
RNY 02/12/08
285/252/233/160
St. Louis, MO

Okay. I think I might have this nut cracked. Too bad it took me many, many days to figure out each and every item on this list slowly and separately, but better late than never...

* Liquids and soft foods do not satisfy my hunger. I need to eat real, solid food 3-5 times per day.
* A burp is the sentinel of fullness. If I get a burp when I'm eating then I need to stop immediately. Even though I will still feel hungry. A burp is not a random happening -- it is a warning. It is really hard to stop eating when you still feel hungry, but if I stop right then, the hunger will actually fade away 15-20 minutes later. If I have even one more bite after the burp, there will be hell to pay.
* If I overfill the pouch, I will not feel "full" and my stomach won't hurt. What I will feel is debilitating back pain that won't go away for hours and makes me cry, with a side dish of nausea. God only knows why the pain is referring to my back, but experimentation has me absolutely convinced that the back pain is actually pain from an overfull pouch.
* I can only eat one ounce of food at a time, at the most. Many times, less than one ounce.
* Thick protein shakes are the worst of both worlds. It doesn't satisfy hunger (same as a liquid), but it will cause the overfull back pain & nausea (same as a solid). This morning I hadn't even gotten through 8 ounces of mocacchino shake before the back pain suddenly appeared.
* Avoiding that back pain is crucial, because once it shows up, nothing can cross my lips for hours, which inevitably means I get behind on fluids and on eating, and now I'm starving and dizzy and nauseous and miserable.
* All thicker shakes are going in the back of the cupboard and I'll try them again in a couple of months. For now I'll stick with bullets and nectars mixed with crystal light -- thin, liquidy liquids.

All right! I'm feeling really hopeful now that I'm gonna turn this ship around! I'm feeling fairly cruddy right now because I just figured out the thing about thicker shakes through bitter experience *today*. But that's ok, because now I know and hopefully I've figured out all the rules of my particular tummy now, and hopefully tomorrow will go better.

A WLS friend sent me an email asking how I'm doing now that I'm a month out. This is what I wrote her...

***********************************************************************************************************************

I'm not doing great right now, actually... I went back to work half-days last week, but so far this week I haven't been to work. And it's not looking good for me coming back at all this week, actually.

I'm just deep in hibernation syndrome. Last night I went to sleep at 10. Woke up at 11 this morning. Made an egg, called off work, and then went back to sleep. At 5 a noise woke me up so I reluctantly crawled out of bed and showered and ate string cheese. But I was still hungry.

Oh yeah, I've got hunger. Stomach-twisting-and-gnawing hunger. Great -- only a small handful have hunger in their first few months, and I've gotta be one of them. yay! And I can drink a gallon of water and it won't stop the hunger -- only actual *food* will make it stop. Thank the lord I moved to stage 3 food on Monday, because the constant hunger was killing my soul.

So I was still hungry after the string cheese so I had a piece of peanut butter toast. And I never felt like I was no longer *not* hungry, but I must have somehow eaten too much, because right now I've got debilitating back pain. I rub, I massage, and nothing makes the back pain go away. I finally figured out tonight that I think the back pain is actually referred pain from the pouch when I get too full. (And also when I get too hungry. Awesome.) I try to eat slower than slow but it's so hard when your stomach is screaming at you that it's beyond starvation.

So, yeah. Kind of a hard time. I'm hoping it'll just be a bad week and next week will be better...

Good news is at my 1 month follow-up appointment I found out that I've lost 19 pounds since surgery. Which means I've lost 52 pounds from my highest (I had to do a 3-month diet pre-op for Aetna). 285 highest weight / 233 current weight woot!

Thanks for checking in with me!

Oh yeah. I'm deep inside Hibernation Syndrome. (Well, minus the buyer's remorse and depression -- just a triple-dose of the fatigue for me.)

My yesterday:
* Go to doctor in the morning
* Come home and find myself totally laid out by the effort of going to the doctor
* Call off work
* Try to read but can't really stay focused, so watch dvd's all afternoon, also read some LJ, eat some toast, and take a nap
* Go to sleep at 10:00

My today:
* Wake up at 11:00
* Make and eat an egg
* Call off work
* Go back to sleep
* Wake up again at 5:00 (reluctantly wake up, only because of a noise that woke me up)
* Feed my grumbly, pissed-off tummy some string cheese and toast -- which is what I'm doing right now.

And despite the fact that I slept all morning and then slept all afternoon, I have no doubt that I will go to sleep tonight on time.

Ready for Hibernation Syndrome to be over now, kthxbye.

Cons:

* Puked up a stuck pill on Wednesday night, which led to all-day pukey feeling on Thursday. Felt so pukey and exhausted, that I called off work.
* Very bad acid reflux all week. My "reflux cough" is back with a vengence. The reflux made me feel kind of nauseated, which made it very difficult to get in protein and fluids. Lack of protein and fluids also made me feel nauseated. Kind of a vicious cycle, there.
* Going back to work this week kicked my ass a lot harder than I ever expected it to, even though I'm only working half-days.
* My Prodigal Roommate now says he won't be home until April. I give up on him. I no longer believe he is ever coming home. I will move his stuff wherever I please and wear his clothes if I want. It makes me sad because he had become my best friend and I really miss him. I wanted to share this journey with him. I wanted his support in this. It was especially important to me that I have a man in my life that liked me before, during, and after in equal measure, to help me have some perspective on the anger and general clusterfuck I'm about to experience when it comes to men. But instead Ace found new love hundreds of miles away. And that's great for him. But I feel abandoned and that sucks (although I will live, of course).

Pros:

* Feeling much better physically today. Getting in very adequate amounts of protein and fluid. Finally.
* Doctor called in a Rx for Nexium and I have much hope that it will kill the evil reflux.
* When I'm ready to date again, I suppose it will be easier without the need to explain the man on my couch in my 1-bedroom apartment (no, it doesn't make up for Ace being MIA, but I'm looking for silver linings here).
* A 1/4 cup of ricotta cheese with no-sugar spaghetti sauce (Trader Joe's "Traditional Marinara"), warmed in the microwave, is like the Best. Thing. Ever!
* Suddenly I've gone from 1/2 cup pouch capacity to less than 1/4 cup. Well! Hello there, restriction! Pleased to meet you! No, I don't mind throwing away some of this one, singular scrambled egg -- if you're full, you're full!
* It's obvious to me that I've lost a shit-ton of weight. I can see it in the mirror clear as day. I can't wait for my doctor's appointment Monday morning to find out my new weight!
* We got 10 inches of snow this week and it was very pretty and I enjoyed it muchly.

Cons:
* Hunger. Honest-to-god stomach hunger, complete with the tired and the headache and everything. sigh I really really wanted the luxury of some time without hunger. I am so freaking tired of the constant demands of the body! GAH! Some time without hunger was something I was really looking forward to. But I guess it's not to be and I'm one of the few for whom hunger never disappears at all. Damn it.
* Suddenly I have the B.O. of a teenage boy. I've never been very malodorous, but suddenly whew! I'm hoping this means ketosis.
* Drank too fast on Wednesday and felt very nauseated. Thought I might hurl. I didn't, but I continued to feel sick all day Thursday in some kind of stupid, long rememberance...
* Very little protein/water last few days because of it.

Pros:
* Sun finally came out today which made me feel awake and alive, finally, for the first time this week.
* Going back to work half-days on Monday. I think getting some structure back into my days will be good for me. And I'm happy I get to work half-days for 2 weeks!
* Scrambled egg whites get along well with me and I looooove them. Yum!
* Consistently remembering my vitamins.
* I'm able to swallow all pills, no problems.
* Began food journaling on Spark People and I'm doing a good job keeping up with it.

*************************************************************************
RNY 02/12/08
285/252/242.5/160

I'm planning to go get my hair cut, so I put on a real shirt. (It's important to look representative of yourself when you get your hair cut, so the hairdresser can get a good sense of your style.) I put on my favorite work shirt, a burgundy shirt that's always been cut fairly close to the body. I haven't worn this shirt since before surgery -- it's been t-shirts and sweats ever since the hospital.

Anyway, this shirt has always been cut fairly close to the body. At my very highest weight, I couldn't even wear it because it looked a little too stretched over the belly and the butt.

But today? It looks loose-fitting. It doesn't look ridiculous, but it doesn't look like I bought it to fit close. This shirt has even been through the dryer and it looks loose!

Part of me won't believe it. I'm like, "Nah, surgery couldn't POSSIBLY work that fast! Weight just doesn't drop away that fast!" But I'm looking in the mirror and I can't deny it.

Right now I'm glad I don't have a scale.... I can see how people get obsessed with hopping on and off that thing all day long.

A local friend mentioned that she'd joined a kickball league. And I totally shocked myself by saying, "That sounds like fun, I want to join! Are there any spots left?"

I'd done the quick calculation and realized that by the time they started playing, I should have lost enough weight for it to be comfortable for me to play without huffing and puffing and pouring sweat.

Who knew I had a team-sport-player inside me waiting to come out?!? Can't wait to meet her!

P.S. There weren't any more spots available, but that's ok, I'm sure I'll find something fun when I'm ready.