SandpaperSandy

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So, here I am in the maintenance stage and things are going well.  I don't really think about surgery anymore.  this is just life now.  Food is eaten and enjoyed and I am not on a "diet". 

the 5 pound flex rule from the clinic is working out fine. I am not stressed at all, I am happy to go from 148 to 155.  Weighing myself everyday is like pinching myself cause I am dreaming. 

my only issue is the saggy skin, my stomach is fine, it shrunk back with no issue.  My legs are pretty ugly, but if I wear pants or long shorts, you can't even see the sag.  Bathing suit will be another issue, and my confidence level has to outshine everything cause surgery is not an option for me.

I do fine my hunger level is coming back, although I know I cannot physically eat large amounts, the type of food is my issue.  I have to get my head back into the game - not be so hard on myself and know that slipping is part of the process.

slip and then start again
eat carbs - then go back to healthy
eat "junk" then start again - yes the nachos and 2 potato chips are junk.
miss vitamins then start again
beat myself up - then start again.

I tell myself that if I managed to stay at 250 pounds for years, then surely I can stay at 150 for years.  I am not thinking about bounce back, I am not going to think about failure.  I am going to do this.

Those people that think they can have surgery and not be responsible, see you when you have gained back all your weight. 

I feel better.  I think I need to blog more often.

size Medium, 10-12 dress size, 34 DD - why won't I love myself - look what I accomplished - holy shit - look what I accomplished !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my first visit was June 2009 with surgery Feb 2011 - now one year out Feb 2012

had my 1 year visit with the clinic - they were very complimentary and said I was doing fine.

Audrey re assured me that I WILL continue to be successful, because I have taken this surgery seriously. I have made changes to my lifestyle and most importantly I have accepted the mental changes full on.   She re-iterated that the mental support I took for myself prior to surgery will continue to be the reason for my success. the extra wait time was a major component for me in my success.  She was very confident that the weight will not come back.  I have em brassed this with my head on straight and accept small failures and look to the clinic for support.   She was very proud, which then eased my mind and re-assured me that I did a great job this past year.  I may not even have bounce back weight - which was a relief to my mind.  I like being a size 12 !!  Holy Shit, size 12 , not 22, but a 12 - wow

Went to see the dietitian who said my eating was perfect and that I didn't have any issues that send up a red flag. I know my limits, I know when and how much to "treat" myself - eating a bite of something great is OK, because I know I am not eating a whole chocolate cake because I can.  She did give me a couple tips and "homework" to work on for the next visit in 2 months.

drink 2 litres of water - every day - keep track of liquid intake
eat 6 times a day - with amust have night snack !!!!
sugar levels can go to 10 gms per serving instead of 8 or less
add a bit of fat to food - no need to have no fat yogurt and no fat cheese - fat is good - in limitations
drink 1 protein shake a day

overall yesterday was good and was re affirmation that I am a success.  I have to now work to keep my weight between 150 and 155 - no dropping anymore - an agreement between myself and the dietician.

a reminder that if I can call the SW for some chat time, if I feel the need - make a mental note to call for an appt -Jody 

I love it when the girls share stories about others - this one in particular makes me angry . 
this patient had surgery in December and the follow up visit shortly after Christmas - showed no weight loss !!! How on earth is this even possible - I thought to myself as I remembered the food diary for the first month. this patient allowed themselves to stray from the diet and eat crap over Christmas because it was the holiday !!!  so obviously they don't dump, and if they did, eating the sugar crap was more important that the $15K surgery you just had paid for !!!
Yup then there are those of us, that had to wait and attend EAP and wait and then have therapy and this person gets surgery in a short time and then eats crap over the holiday and looses no weight - because they gave themselves permission.  I wonder if the clinic made this person go for mental help or did their co-morbs allow them to move ahead.    Makes me mad that people think this is a quick fix, - well you know what, stay fat and stop using our OHIP !  if I worked in the clinic, I would reverse the surgery and tell them to stay FAT !!  they have abused the system and someone else could have had their spot - someone that really wants this and deserves it. 

ok enough venting.

May God continue to bless us all.

So turning 47 was not that bad.  didn't know what I was expecting. Funny how I thought I was turning 46 (Haha)  and then stressed for a couple weeks when I realized the number was 47.

So here I am 100 pounds lighter and everything is ok.  There are times when I just can't think of food anymore - no more calculating and organizing and enough with everything. I would rather eat nothing that to struggle with the thought of eating.  Well that quickly passed and I am back on track.

Not feeling very well and not sure if it has to with eating or maybe coming down with a virus.

Some days I think I am way too thin and wish for a few extra pounds - why - so that people will stop commenting that I am now way too thin and a few pounds would make THEM feel better.  The odd person asks how I am reacting and I typically lie - why - telling them I don't feel well just starts too many questions and no one needs to know that I had RNY.

for the most part I feel ok, still struggling with food choices and getting things just right.

the bloody water is my downfall - and I often think I may be dehydrated - so I am going to try and increase my intake and see if that makes the difference.  

SO here it is, a brand new year and an old me (heehee).

I look in the mirror and see a thin, healthy person. Goal achieved, success has been had and yes, I did the work.

I read the posts and wonder if people really get this whole surgery thing.  This is not a temperary "diet", this is not a quick fix to be skinny, questions and stupid questions and I wonder, were these people listening.   How much water can I drink with vitamins- are you kidding me - just swallow the dam things.  Live a life and stop fussing. 

I am so glad for the head tools before this whole ride. I look in the mirror and see "me".  I look at pictures before surgery and wonder who was that.  How did I get that way.  How did I turn into someone else, during my life. 

Why didn't I see the fat person before the fat person turned into me.  

Anyhow, I still test the waters, and stumble and then I get up and try again. 

Things to avoid ... 
eggs - not so good and truly don't taste that great - hard boiled is ok  
peanut butter is not worth hassle - Earl doesn't care for it - love how the girls named my tum Earl - I would have picked Tanya or Tammy Tummy or something cute - but Earl (?)
Nachos - yuck and not worth the melted cheese - do not feel well after eating that supper
Chinese noodle is suicide - for now, in the past it was fine
bread is ok, 1 slice toasted with cheese or cream cheese
meat is fine and so if tuna
all vegetables and fruit is great


If I could eat one thing that I really and truly miss - one large huge piece of cheesecake - although eating a sliver does satisfy the taste. 

All in all, life is fine and eating is a chore.  Drinking is task that I have to think about.  Have not yet made water a habit in my day.  




 

ok, so I am living my life 84 pounds lighter.  Do I take it for granted, no way.
Is it still work, you bet.
Do I pinch myself every day - yup.

It is kinda weird in that I don't really remember the before me. It feels like this has been me forever, yet it hasn't.
I have transitioned very well and feel great.  I am still cautious about the food I choose to eat, yes, choose is the key word.
People who think this is magic and don't have to work, have not had enough mind work prior to this.

I am so greatful that the Guelph clinic denied me a couple of times so that I could get my head in order first.
Having spent that time with Dorothy at the EAP helped me to prepare so that this will be my success.

Have I fallen, sure I have. Ate a hand ful of chips, do I like them - nope.

I love my looks and cannot stop looking at myself.  Sometimes I think I am too thin as now the skin just hangs and that is unsightly.  I like the way I look in the clothes,out of clothes is something else.  Maybe one day, I can afford plastic sugery, but for now, this will do. 

So for now this is me and hopefully for many more years !!!  Yay to me and to my hard work and to liking myself. 

7 months and 72 pounds !! how did this happen!

at this point in time, it feels like this has always been me. I don't feel like I have had surgery, I guess this means, the tool is working and my lifestyle has started to change. I must say, the cravings are starting and something I have to pay attention to. The cookies sometime call my name as does the chips- at that point I ask myself - is it worth it? I reached this far, why sabatous it now - after working hard and recovering from surgery. Surgery, can you imagine it, my stomach has been chopped and stapled and made new - it is still hard to believe !!!  How lucky I am to have been given this opportunity, how lucky am I.

72 pounds and I am not done !!!!

yay to me and yes I love myself. 

saw Dr Reed today who said I was doing fine.
my blood work came back normal and I learned that our bodies store 1000 days worth of B12 and you won't notice the deficiency until the end of the 1000 days.  but to prevent the lack, I am going to start taking the vitamin, so that I won't be lacking later on.  He said the issues don't come into affect until years after surgery.

once the hair stops falling out, then I can work on building muscle and not before.  Keep working on the cardio and leave the muscle building for another 2 months.   once the hair stops falling out, then you know your body has started to use protein again to grow hair.  that is when you muslce build, because doing so before your muslces won't build because your body is using the protein for your organs.  Muscles need protein to build and I am deficient, hence the hair loss. 

I need to loose about 20 more pounds, which he feels will not be an issue and something I can certainly achieve.
he wants me to reach a BMI of 27 -which will bring me to about 160 lbs.

a lot to take in, and lots to learn. 
any how I am doing very well, and another 20 pounds will help with the bounce back!!!!

 

Ok, so here I am, 64 pounds lighter and I feel great.  Amazing how this journey has been so quick.

 the compliments are getting to be so much, everyday someone comments and that is getting to me.   I still don't like being the centre of attention and having the comments is just too much.  how did you do it, wow you look amazing, blah blah and more blah - people are being so nice, makes me wonder what did I look like to them before?

the people that really matter are my family and what they think of me - hubby loves having a hot wife, mom love having a healthy daughter, and me, I love the skinny girl that I finally became. 

the biggest thing that I love is crossing my legs, and wearing ALL my rings, no more swelling of the hands and feet and just feeling great.

it was hard at first to believe this new tool was going to work and now I can't belive how well it did work.

that I lost 52lbs !!!  I just a photo of myself and realized what many have been saying - that my face is so much thinner.

I shop for clothes in size 16, but haven't really seen myself as a thin person until I saw the photo.  Funny how my mind still thinks 2x, and my eyes see the large person, yet this photo is really me - thinner than before and looking pretty good. Talk about your mind playing tricks on you - I have been in an illusion for the last 4 months - and now it stops. 

I promise to kick myself and get moving and sweating and toning and shake this stall !!! I am making a promise to myself, here and now.   

during this journey from the first visit to the day of surgery and then beyond,I have had time to think about loosing weight and what I can achieve with this new tool.  loosing 25, then 35 and then the 40 something felt like just a number.  But when I hit 50 pounds, my head went --- what!!!
I am having an issue with this number, why ? it is something I have not been able to achieve in how many years with the help of the other weight loss programs.  I get it, I lost it, but my head still can't wrap around that number.

I go shopping and still walk to the 2x clothes, still walk to the plus size section, still think of myself as the plus size woman I was for many years. my head has yet to adjust to the no butt, no boob body I have just re-introduced to myself.

I feel fabulous, I look fabulous and the compliments are overwhelming to me.  I take the comments with a huge smile and accept the compliments and move on. this is something I am seriously working on - acceptance of compliments from strangers.

50 pounds is huge and I am very proud to have achieved that number.

there are days when I still feel icky and need to rest as I am exhausted.  I have more good days than the icky days.  Good for me.

I need to constantly give self talk - I can do this, I look great, I did this for me, I will succeed.

only I can control how I use this tool and so far, I am using it.

Yay to 50 !!!!!