Head up ass

Nov 14, 2011

All weekend, actually even before, I've been feeling funky.  Depressed, unmotivated and uninspired.  And ate way more and much worse than I have been.  So what the hell is up with me?  First of all, something I'm a little disappointed in myself about is that I didn't reach out to my OH friends and talk about it.  I didn't really reach out to anyone.  I just stuck my head up my ass and felt sorry for myself.  But I am working on why I've been feeling so depressed.  I have come to the realization that there are several reasons.  

One, I'm still avoiding dealing with getting my mother situated.  I'm actually angry and a little hurt that she never acknowledged me on my birthday.  She's never forgotten or overlooked it before.  It didn't help that my daughter-in-law didn't wish me well, either.   

Two is that I turned 57.  I'm just 3 years away from being 60 and it fucking blows me away.  I'm not ready to be 60.  

Three is that with the flood in the house and all the chaos it has created, including having to move out for a week into a sweet little place but with really low ceilings and kinda dark which added to my depression, I've felt really out of sorts.  But this could have been an easy fix with a simple attitude adjustment.  I could have made it be an adventure instead of a pain in the ass.

Four is that preparing for the revision surgery is stirring up lots of stuff for me.  I feel like my guts are roiling and churning with unresolved emotions and fears.  By losing weight, becoming healthy and being happy, I can't hold on to being a victim any more.  It's so ironic that the very things I want - to be active and healthy, creative and outgoing, fun and energetic - are the very things I seem to fear the most.  When I think about these things, I think about my mother and daddy.  Both of whom were depressed, especially my dad, buy Mom would just give up if she came into any resistance.  Both of them seemed to fear trying something new because they were afraid they couldn't do it perfectly the very first time.  The fear of failing and the fear of succeeding has permeated my life.  GODDAMMIT, I want to get them out of my fucking head and live MY life!!!!

I need to feel this anger because it will be freeing.  I can use the energy to give me motivation to move out of the muck that I feel frozen in.  

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