Almost peaking out

Nov 15, 2011

My last post was about having my head up my ass.  I have started to gradually pull it out and actually move on...it's a slow process, sort of like when I'm constipated and it takes a bit to get the shit moving.  As long as I keep working on it, I'm okay.

I'm needing to complete some paperwork to send to the hospital but I've been dragging my feet regarding the food and exercise diary.  I'm really working on being more aware when I want to eat rather than just going to the frig and stuffing, but it's still the full of shit thing I mentioned above.   We picked up a free turkey from Foodland and cooked it on Sunday so we had a mini Thanksgiving.  We are still enjoying the leftovers and the food is all so good.  Madeline made me a crustless pumpkin pie which I ate in 2 days.  It was really really good, although will be much to high in sugar and fat to eat post surgery.  So back to the diary, I'm embarassed to write down what I've been eating and afraid of being judged.  I know the people at Castle don't do this because I've worked with them before, but even so I feel so ashamed.

Hmmm.  Ashamed.  Just acknowledging this gives me a little clarity.  I think I've felt ashamed of myself all my life.  Being brought up by insecure parents who had no idea how to deal with a very ADHD child nor was there any understanding of it at that time, I always felt like I was supposed to  be someone other than who I was because who I was wasn't very good.  Very flawed, too much, too loud, too energetic.  My parents didn't understand what they were doing, but finding my way out of the dark, heavy weight is still my responsibility.  Continuing to blame them won't get me anywhere except keeping me in victim mode.  

I think I see light now!

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