Brenda C.

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A lot of things that did not appeal to me about Gastric Bypass was how the significant weight loss changed the people I used to know.  I may still "know them," but in a sense, a different person came from within. I have spoken openly about the odd transformation I have witnessed, and may actually be guilty of in my past, I just hope I really "get it" this time.

My former best friend has always been self centered, but she became a different person when she lost over 200 pounds.  We have had three really bad falling outs in the past, this time she is not getting back the same place in my life she once occupied.  Part of my anger may have been the "why her & not me" selfish behavior, but when I actually look at the "score" of our friendship -- she lost a lot of points from her selfish behavior.

My friend lost a tremendous amount of weight, and I was supportive.  We had ended up with many states separating us, so finding trips to spend with each other was important to us.  To this point in the almost three decade friendship, I have only been smaller than her twice.  The first time we met, then right before our second real split from each other.  I lost count how many times I would forgive her, even when she could not see she was at fault, so this last time we tried mending fences, it just isn't the same.  When I really needed her, not just emotionally but physically, she gave me three hours of her visit.  No kidding, I had to drive to her mother's home and spend three hours in the garage, and she was too busy showing all her old friends her fabulous NEW body. 

I tried to understand her need to get positive reinforcement, but I was the one person who was always there - rain or shine. When my world was in a monsoon, she was too busy with people who somehow mattered more to her, then Brenda, Old Faithful.  It was difficult giving up a friendship I had cherished, but for some reason I had to put my foot down.  Five long years later, she contacted me on Facebook.  I was actually able to tell her how I really felt, only to have her not get it.  She actually believed I was the wrong doer - that she was being the bigger person and allowing me her forgiveness.  Wow, it is interesting how we can justify our actions - I am guilty from time to time - but I also can see the truth when it is glaring in my face.

Her constant negativity has actually reminded me to look for the positivity in my life.  When she goes into her "poor me" monologue, I giggle a little and tell her only positive things back.  See, I have not completely grown, but I am getting there.  Life really is good, because we are able to learn and grow and hopefully become better people.  Maybe I am being childish at deriving pleasure from her misfortune, but I am trying to respond only positively without bragging.  My week has started in a negative mood, but I am trying that much harder to not give in & wallow.

I gained half a pound this week.  It was not fun facing the scale, but it did make me realize I need to work harder at succeeding.  Instead of stomping my feet emotionally as I have in the past, I will remind myself why this happened, and that next week will be better.  It actually takes effort for me to be a better person, but at least I am putting my face forward in a positive direction.  I just hope I did not bury that little Optimist I was growing up as!  The cup is full because I was able to be satisfied with a smaller cup!!!

B  : )~

The title is funny, if you live in the Seattle, Washington Area you would know we are having a crazy Summer - it has been raining on & off the last couple of days.  The title actually is more metaphorical, I have been in the dumps a few days now, just to wake up to destroyed bed linens -- the dreaded Aunt Flow.  Since my body never seems to behave as it should, I cannot call it my "Monthly Visitor," maybe it is my "Infrequent Annoyance"?  I just keep thinking, "It figures!!"

I skipped going in for my weigh in today, opting for tomorrow.  I have been plugged up, and had to address that issue, only to have yet another "pop" up.  UGH.  All I keep hearing in my demented head are horrible commercials for feminine products!  Let's get personal... Do others who have carried/currently carry a lot of weight in their lower abdomen -- Pannus - or fat apron -- ever have their "flow" find tributaries around their pubis???  I doubt it is just me, but I am feeling really pissed off at how gross my body is at the moment.

Before anyone gives me advise, just realize I am on a rant.  "And this too shall pass"... Last month I had a period that lasted 13 or 14 days!!!  I keep telling myself it is probably my body's way of eliminating iron, or some other valid reason.  I just know one thing, I feel G R O S S !!!

Keep your chocolate bars hidden!  Don't have conversations with me, expecting sound responses!  Don't expect to see me in my cute shorts - for a while ;)  I just hate being a girl!!

B  : )~

Anyone who really knows me, would probably do a double take -- you know, "What? What! What?!?" hearing me complain about my sex drive (actually, it is the lack there of).  What in all that is good has happened?  Where did I lose it, and is there a "Lost & Found" I can check?!

Maybe I over analyze (haha!), but I am pretty sure something has gone terribly wrong with me.  For some freaky reason I am very emotionally flat.  I keep asking myself if it is weight gain, medications, some weird "change of life" thing, and worst yet, I am being asked by Jeff if it is HIM - it isn't.  I told him the other day I haven't a clue, that I am hoping it is some weird fluke that will correct itself, but this is the FIRST time in my life I wasn't even interested in anything.

I know with all the personal upheaval I went through, some lack of interest was to be expected, but my life is GREAT right now.  Very few things are bothering me, so what gives?  Jeff once joked with me, "Now that you aren't mad at the World, you just don't seem as sexually (ummm, maybe I better let the reader fill in the blank...)..."  I don't know.  How can things be going well, and the pilot light is out?!

Crossing my fingers that when I go under the knife, the surgeon can flick the switch on my sex drive!  Shaking my head, am I really saying this to the World?!  What happened to that happy Pervert everyone knew & loved?!  This isn't funny, anymore -- no more cosmic joke with me being the punchline!

B ... ugh : )~

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/fat/video-ch_01_vid.html?tos=vid&filetype=wmv&bandwidth=_hi

I have posted this before, but I was just re-watching it and wondering how others felt about this series...

Please, watch all the sections, and let me know your thoughts.  It was a very well produced piece that explains so much about weight factors.

Thanks for reading!
Brenda  : )~

Upon checking the nutritional facts on dry beans, I have made some decisions on what I will purchase for my meals, as I am being very strict about my modified fast.

I hate to admit my lack of knowledge, but boy, how easily we can fool ourselves over calories and nutritional content.  Pink and Black beans - 60 - 70 calories every 1/4 cup (dry) -- Navy/White beans & Pinto -- 120 - 130 calories every 1/4 cup (dry), and Navy/White beans actually have half a gram of fat, which I sadly didn't know.  I realize the fat is a different fat - a plant based as opposed to animal fat, but it made me rethink some of my ingredients.

When I started cooking vegetables, I would use bullion instead of butter - which to me tastes better and is so much better for me.  I have had people tell me that they love my veggies, and never liked them before.  I NEVER eat Mayonnaise, just because I never have liked it.  I actually would rather go hungry than eat a sandwich/side dish made with mayo, from childhood!  So "dieting" hasn't been as difficult for me.

Fast Food.  Two words that make me cringe.  Okay, so you know I hate mayo, I also hate mustard, special sauce, basically I eat burgers plain - always have.  I did not have a Big Mac until I was 19 - because I had no clue it could be ordered lettuce & cheese, ONLY!  Luck for me, in the State of Washington, it is the law to post calories on the menu!  I hadn't tried Taco Bell until I was an older teenager - and guess what, I love it.  Knowing how terrible the nutrition is there, I learned about the "Fresco" menu.  But now, I have given up eating ANY and ALL Fast Food, until I get my life and weight under control.

Soda.  GONE!  I love carbonation, but I hate artificial sweeteners, so drank Talking Rain Sparkling Water - Arrowhead - Calestoga Waters that have essence, without sweeteners.  Water, just tap water has replaced my carbonation obsession.  Don't start me on caffeine!  That is one I have limited to a cup of just drip coffee -- no syrups, maybe a little half and half.

My shopping list is so healthy, how can I not succeed?  Working on the portion control is now my focus.  I hate measuring my food, but it is what I pledge to do.  Smaller plates has been the rule in my home.  No second servings.  I am not satisfied being over 400 pounds.  I will not be satisfied being over 300 pounds.  Hopefully, when I get under 300 pounds, I will not be satisfied with being over 200 pounds. It is an ever changing set of goals, but I will keep plodding my course, and working toward the success I deserve.

17.6 pounds, that number has made me look at my journey.  I am not going to let a number on a scale give up, I want it to push me to work harder.  What is the line Buzz Lightyear always says???  Never Give Up!  Never Surrender!  Not a bad attitude to follow!

B  ; )~

I went to my doctors office yesterday, for my official weight.  It's been three weeks, so I was jazzed to see how I was progressing.  The couple days prior, I was feeling a little stopped up, so I figured I wouldn't let it get me down if I hadn't lost more than ten pounds.  The weigh in showed an abysmal THREE pounds!?!  In three weeks I had lost a whopping three pounds - how could that even be possible? 

Needles to say, I spent the day in a cranky mood, feeling like a total butthole, for not being able to get such a simple thing done as lose 10 pounds.  I know how weight loss works -- there is actually a mathematical equation to know how many calories to sustain your current weight -- that if you just burn off or eat 500 calories less EACH day, you lose one pound a week (3500 calories a week to a pound of fat), so what the hell went wrong?!?

The equation for my current weight and age comes to 2756 calories a day.  I have been diligently only taking in 1000 - 1200 a day, and I am exercising, so what in all that is good went wrong?  From my intake alone, I should be seeing three pounds a week.  In three weeks, it should have been at least nine pounds, and that wasn't considering the exercise, so I am bummed. 

It took a lot of inner voice talking me down to make it through the day.  When I get frustrated, I know the easiest way to make me feel all better: Medicating by way of FOOD.  By the end of the day I was able to finally voice what was bugging me, and without tears.  I was beyond frustrated, but had to give the "Little Brenda" inside of me a mental High Five for not turning to food.  Facing that I am a Food Addict is the first step.

Now, I have rationalized a few variables that may have tipped the scale against me: Constipation - which I have lived with all my life; Bloating, since I am close to my menses.  It has happened before, and who knows, maybe (hopefully) it is water weight.  I CAN see physical proof I am losing -- my denim shorts are loose, and they are two sizes smaller than I was wearing in jeans, and my "rolls" are disappearing.

Some days are harder than others, but if you can make it through those days, then the other days make it worth it.   Getting "right in the head" is what I am trying to accomplish before surgery.  No matter what tools you have, if you are not at terms with food/emotional issues, falling back into bad habits is too easy.

I did my walk today, have had two shakes, an apple, lots of water, so I am back on the wagon, so to speak.  Hopefully my next weigh in will leave me jumping and excited.  If the scale doesn't go up, then I am ahead of the game - right?

B  : ) ~

I cannot figure out where my shorts are hidding.  I put them away last year when Winter came, for the life of me, they must have runaway.  Jeff has been on my butt to buy some new ones, but I put it off as it is never cheap to replace clothing in my size.  I was cruising the closeouts on one of the Fat Lady Clothing Stores, and ordered three pairs - figuring if they didn't fit, they might in a month of dieting.  The shorts were so cheap, it just made sense.

They arrived, and I was skeptical, so I threw them in the washing machine.  If they came out from washing & drying, they would be pre-shrunk so I could figure out how long it would take to fit in these denim goodies.  Today I pulled them out, and pulled one pair on - a little snug - but wooohooo, they fit!  They aren't like super tight, so I am very happy.  Score for the fat chick!  I paid under $40 for three pairs of denim shorts - shipping included - dang!

Many average sized people, or even smaller fat folk just don't get how emotionally draining it is to shop for clothing.  I have surpassed most clothing store sizing, even Lane Bryant.  Skirts can work, but denim pants are usually out for me.  Sporting a size 38 on the bottom is tough.  I am a pear, so tops & skirts can be found.  I have now admitted how really big I am, I need to kick my work up a notch.

To all those who don't think they can exercise due to injury, just try walking if you cannot swim.  I will be sporting my new shorts and walking in the sun.  It takes a long time, but I am finally seeing a little progress, which helps keep me motivated ;)

B  : )~ 

I was having a conversation earlier today with a friend on OH who told me she needed some positive reinforcement.  Since we live very far apart, I told her about a group I had been involved in at various times of my life: T O P S. 

TOPS is a non-profit organization that stands for: Take Off Pounds Sensibly.  Funny thing, the first time I had joined TOPS I was (I think) age nine, I thought TOPS stood for Toss Off Pounds Sensibly... which made all the ladies laugh.  Anyhow, I wanted to share the TOPS Pledge - or at least what I remember of it!

I am an intelligent person, I am in control of my emotions, and will not let my emotions control me. Every time I am tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego, or dull my senses, I will remember that although I eat in private, my excess pounds are there for all the World to see (what a fool I’ve been), I will Take Off Pounds Sensibly.

I actually tried to find a written copy of the TOPS Pledge, but could not locate it.  So, if I have any mistakes, please let me know - I am going by memory!

So many times when I was about to hide out & eat, I would hear THIS pledge in my head.  It may sound corny, but this pledge has meant a lot to me -- I am actually going to try saying it (if only in my head) once a day, to encourage myself. 

B  : )~

I have been making beans two days in a row, now.  They are so high in all the good stuff, and man, I sure make a mean pot of beans!  Not that I didn't already know how to cook healthy, I am being more aware of portion size.

Well, here's to that Musical Fruit!  High in fiber & protein, low on calories & fat, and just plain YUMMY!

B  : )~

The other week, I ordered a bunch of seeds over the Internet - I always get so excited to play in dirt, maybe I should have been a farmer!  I have quite a few seeds starting on my upper deck - I always worry if I plant my seeds in my flower patch, they may somehow not make it... So, I watch over my little seedlings, tend them, then get excited when I can move them into my flower patch!  I may sound silly, but growing things really brings me pleasure.  More dirt, less television, less being near food to graze on!

On my deck I have beans, peas, zucchini, tomatoes - 4 varieties, and various flowers.   I am playing around with 4 different roses - not really sure how to make them happy, it gets really cold here, so I am working on the theory of pots.  The weather is lovely, today, not too cool, and not too warm. 

Short post, by my standards, but I like to remind my (future) self that it isn't always rain & clouds in Seattle!  Here's to "filtered sunlight"!

B  : )~