Sarah C.

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So, I'm less than a month out from my sx date, and I'm really starting to get nervous!  Not about the procedure, but that I'll think of a question that may or may not be applicable and I'll FORGET to ask it at my pre-op appointment.  It's two friggin weeks beforehand, so I'm SURE i'll come up with questions in those last two weeks. 

What all things should I ask?? What things SHOULDN'T I ask?? (IE: Are you sure you won't kill me?  i know your death count is 0 right now, but that COULD change!) 

I need to go tomorrow and buy more protein powder.  I've been stocking up on muscle milk and buying it when I can find it.  Do you think I should go with the light or the regular or does it matter?  I know Protein is the biggest thing initially, so I don't want to screw that up. 

I've also been stocking up on bottled water, but I go through so much of it now anyway, i'm afraid I'll not get enough in after my sx.

I think maybe i'm overthinking things.  I just need to re-read my packet, prepare myself mentally and write down the questions I have as I go along. 

Oh yeah, do you think it's lame that I'm taking my mother with me?  Since I'm single, I don't have a spouse or partner to take with me, but I also don't want to mess anything up and forget things, you know?  

I think I'll create a posting on the RNY boards to see if anyone has recommendations/thoughts on that topic.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hey and sort of air my concerns. 

Tomorrow's a new day.  29 will tick by quickly.

Love to all

Sarah x

I hope I'm not jinxing myself by doing this, but I'm trying to be proactive in the purchasing of my new wardrobe.  Sure, I know that I can't try things on right now that I'll be wearing in three months, but if I can save some major dollars when I make the purchase, I'm SURE the things I'm buying will fit at some point.  Example:  This weekend is Tax Free weekend in Arkansas.  I went to Target armed with coupons, discount card from their Rx plan, my Target Debit card for an additional discount, and I ONLY shopped for clothes from the clearance racks.

Starting price for two pairs of work appropriate pants (black, so they go with everything):  $52.98
Clearance Price:  $21.46
After coupons:  $15.46
After Target Discounts (2 at 5% each) = $13.95!!

How's that for shopping?? 

Okay, so it was only two pairs of pants, but I've also done some shopping for a couple of tops throughout the process as well.  I bought several shirts from Old Navy and spent less than $30.  I bought the same shirt in different sizes ($2/tanks, $3/Tees) that I can wear under button downs I already own.  I'm sticking to mostly solid colors, no patterns, but that way I can mix and match my outfits as much as I do now! 

Oh, but I did splurge on one top.  I think I spent $7 on it but it's a new exercise top and I can't WAIT to wear it!!  I may take a photo and post it on here, then later post a photo of me in it!  How fun would THAT be!!!  Yes, yes, I think I'll do that. haha

it's hard buying clothes that you can't try on.  My body shape is so jacked up it's hard to buy clothes that are the size I need now, let alone the size I'll need a couple of months down the road!! 

Oh, and another thing.  I'm back on track.  My guy that I was interested in...Well, he doesn't want anything serious.  I thought I'd be devastated, but I'm not.  Sure, i get that pang of "will I ever find anyone that loves me for me?"  and then I remember...I'm not confident enough to put myself out there right now, so I can't blame the guys who don't notice me right now.  I'm not out there FOR them to notice!  That actually JUST came to me.  I've been worried, as I think I've said, about the "well, they only like me because I'm thinner than I was."  but....they wouldn't have ever seen me at the weight i"m at now!  Duh, Sarah.  I guess I was honestly trying to find a way to place the blame on everyone but myself for my current situation and for future potential failures of relationships. 

Man, I swear I've had more realizations since I've started using this site than I ever thought I would!  That's amazing.  Seriously AMAZING!  Wow. I wonder what my therapist will think about that realization, eh?? 

Anyway, i'm off to checkout a website for making quilts from my favorite (soon to be too big) T-Shirts.  I want the memories, but I don't want to fit back into them anymore.  I'll take a photo of it when its done (no, i'm not making it!) and share it as well.

Love to all!

Sarah x

PS: day 32 is nearly done.  Tick tick tick!!  SOOOO EXCITED! 

PSS: weight at 238.8 this AM.  not bad since i a) started my period b) have been eating total crap c) haven't been exercising. 

So, i'm 31 and I've not had a period in 20 MONTHS!  No, not pregnant, not on birth control and no spotting.  It just...STOPPED. 

and then yesterday happened.

I don't know why, but it did.  I don't know if it's because I'm seeing someone for the first time in as long, or if it is because I've lost a few lbs, or if it's because i was taken off my BP meds or something completely random like a full moon, but....

it's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Sure, i've noticed that my face was slicker than the waters around the Exxon Valdez, and that my eating habits had changed (suddenly craving CRAP when i've been careful for these months!) and yes, i've noticed that my sexual appetite has definitely resurfaced, but I didn't put the signs together. 

and then bam. 

I'd forgotten how painful my cycles were....or ... are, i guess.  and all I've done is complain about it for two days. but as I was sitting here i realized...Why am I complaining?!  I can't EVER have kids if I don't first have a period!  That's one of the reasons I'm having WLS.  So, why complain?  Okay, so I won't COMPLAIN, but I'm not exactly up for embracing it, either. 

I suppose it is making me be proactive.  I know that my hormones are (possibly) going to go nuts after WLS, so I'm going to get the depo shot tomorrow and go ahead and get the meds into  my system before my WLS.  Everything I've read said you have to be EXTRA EXTRA careful post WLS because of the hormone surges paired with the confidence boost. 

I need confidence right now.  The anxiety caused by the thought of telling that guy what I'm feeling is...almost overwhelming.  it's fear...I know that.  i've been anxious about it for 3 days.  and yet, I can't bring myself to tell him.  I'd rather do it in person, but i'm so afraid I'll cry.  Why do we cry when we're nervous?! ugh! 

Okay.  Grab the bull by the cahones.  do it.  I'll regret it if I don't. 

Will update later.

Have you gotten this?? UGH!  I got it TWICE over the weekend and I'm not entirely sure how I should take it.  I've intentionally kept a lid on my surgery situation because I don't want to be judged by people who don't really count. 

But I've started seeing this guy and he calls me fun sized.  We've known each other for a while, but he hasn't seen me go through the struggles I've gone through over the years.  He's not a thin fellow, either, but I'm smitten and it is tough for me because I KNOW things in my life are going to change.  I didn't want to get involved with anyone for a while because of this change that is coming.  As they say, you make plans for your future and God laughs.  Yeah, well, he is probably crying from laughing so hard at me right now, but hey, at least I am making Him laugh and not be angry with me, hmm? 

I just wish folks understood, you know?  Perhaps I carry my excessive weight well?  (I don't, trust me...) or maybe people's idea of "big" varies greatly?  If i wasn't "THAT big" then insurance wouldn't have approved my procedure.  I wouldn't have started BP meds at age 29, wouldn't suffer from PCOS, have a lower likelihood of depression, find shame in shopping, and wish that I was a shadow. 

I'm 37 days out, including today and I've still not posted anything specific on FB.  Sure, i've put things like "37 days" or "Got approved!" or "man, no drinking water 30 minutes before and after eating is tough!"  so SOME people know...but only because they've either experienced it themselves or they have someone they love that has experienced it.  Heck, I haven't even "Liked" my surgeon's page!  What's that about??  I'm NOT embarrassed about my decision.  In fact, i'm THRILLED I'm finally putting myself first. 

So...should I put my fear of my future personality changes (not multiple personality type changes) aside and see where this goes with this guy?  He reminds me very much of Jamie from the Outlander series.  He's kind, works hard, is very close to his family and I expect would be close to me too, if I allowed it. 

Now...why am I stressing over someone that I kind of already have when most of my life I've worried about never finding anyone??  What an interesting change of events!

Love to all :) 
Sarah x

PS:  I AM that big and I AM ready for this.  It's MY time.

there is something in this world that I love to do very very much, but because of this body, this weight, this life....i can't do it. 

Dance.  yep.  The art of movement.  I'm only good at it when I'm alone in my kitchen, or after I've had more than a few drinks (a VERY rare occasion!) at the club. 

But i saw Step Up: Revolution today and it was all I could do NOT to start dancing in my seat, let alone in the aisles!  There's something about music that allows me to forget who I am.  Music has gotten me through a lot of really difficult times, but it also has been the soundtrack to the most enjoyable and memorable moments in my life.  Sometimes I find it difficult to express myself, yes, even with words, and even though I can't write it, music gives me that additional out. 

Although I didn't take lessons when I was younger, I DID take lessons as an adult and I sincerely think it is something that i'll get back into after my surgery.  I HOPE that i'll be comfortable enough in my own skin to move like I want and NOT to allow the fear of what others are thinking.  Heck, I may rock it OUT on the dance floor, but I never give anyone else the opportunity to see me because hippos don't dance. 

Post surgery, the dancer that is inside me and the passion for dance that I have in my heart and in my mind, will be set free to pop, lock, krunk, salsa, merengue, tap, jive, jitterbug, waltz, explore and release the things that for so long, I've only ever been able to do in my head. 

It's coming.  39 days.  39 days and i'll be able to dance (okay, maybe not immediately)

and maybe...i'll even get the chance to dance with my daddy at my wedding.  Got to find myself a man first, though!  until then...I'll just dance by myself because it makes me happy. 

I'm afraid of failure.

and I'm afraid of success.

Even as I sit here this evening, I'm afraid that by ADMITTING those fears, I will have caused some butterfly effect to happen and someone on the other side of the world will have some heinous event happen to them....all because I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid that if I don't make this change (6 weeks to surgery, by the way) I'll A) lose what quality of life I have now B) never have the self confidence to put myself "out there" C) die far younger than I should because of weight related health problems. 

Flip. 

I'm also afraid that if i DO make this change (still 6 weeks to surgery!) I'll A) succeed initially then self sabotage and fail miserably later down the road like I've done with every. single. diet. EVER. B) lose the comfort I have in being the one who goes "unnoticed" or C) I'll let everyone down if I do fail.

Why is that?  Why am I afraid of SUCCESS?  Why am I afraid of doing something that might..no WILL make me a happier, more confident person?  

For the first time in my life, I truly feel like the people on the other side of this blog GET ME.  While my family and long time friends may KNOW the struggles I've had my entire life, they don't UNDERSTAND them.  They don't get what it is like to go on a girls outing and shop for school clothes at the age of 12 or 13 and have the lady at Victoria's Secret burn the words "We'll never have anything to fit YOU." into your memory.  That 18 year old scar still brings tears to my eyes and puts the ache of revenge in my heart. 

Nor do they understand how hard it is to succeed at weight loss, even for just a short time, hear the praise from others of how "great" i look, only to see the numbers on the scale creep back up and surpass my previous highest weight....again.  Or when they look at you when you've not lost an OUNCE but they say "Man, are you losing weight?"  No, I'm not.  I'm still fat.  I know those comments are supposed to make people happy but they don't make me happy.  They make me self conscious and remind that 13 year old girl inside me that I'll never live up to societies standards. 

Did I also mention my irrational fear of crickets?  Yeah.  Fortunately, I've trained my dogs and cat to pounce on them when I point and say "KILL"  I feel sorry for my neighbors though....they would likely just hear what I was saying and not know WHY. 

Am I the only one afraid of these things?  Failure and success, I mean...not the crickets necessarily. 

Love to all! 
Sarah x

Well, it's true!  I'm approved and scheduled!  RNY on September 5!!  It's still very surreal to me at this point.  The shock of the finances was ...almost too much, but because of my amazing support system of friends and family, the money won't be an issue.  Some of my mother's siblings sent me money (not sure if I mentioned that previously) and I'm nearly halfway to my financial goal.  My best friend of 25+ years is cosigning on a Care Credit card for me.  Fortunately, Roller's office does the 24-month paid in full no interest.  Because of the amount i've already saved just this 6 months, I should be able to pay my bill off within 24 months.  Goal is 20 months, just in case.  I'll have to charge about 7K, but I really hope insurance doesn't screw me up.  I'll figure it out if it happens, though. 

It's weird... I think maybe I'd mentioned not going out into the "world" and finding someone to date prior to my surgery because this is the time i focus on me?  well, if not...that was my plan.  but you know how when you make plans, they say God laughs?  well evidently he's laughing pretty hard at me right now.  Suddenly two guys that I USED to date are back in the picture...at the SAME time!  I'm not actively pursuing them, though.  I AM however having a good time letting them chase me.  I'm proud of myself for not giving in too easily....hungry for love and affection and all that. 

Meh.  i think it's overrated sometimes.  Don't get me wrong, I DESPERATELY want to find someone to love me and cherish me, but at the same time...I need to love and cherish MYSELF first. 

Yes, I had my first therapy appointment yesterday.  I was terrified.  Still am, if I'm honest, but i know I have to fix ALL of me in order for this to work.  I KNOW i can't expect to have surgery and it fix ALL my problems.  that's not realistic.  So, i'm facing them before they cause me further issues.

Side note, I painted Stitches front paw nails last night with Ruby Slipper polish by Del Sol.  I'm not sure if they change in the sunlight on her or not, as I've not been outside with the dogs tonight, but...it looks pretty good if I may say so!  It's the first time in my life I"ve ever painted my dog's nails...any of my dogs.

I've been sick....5 weeks of bronchitis, did the steroid thing but now the doc thinks maybe its GERD, but i'm already taking 40MG Omeprazole daily.  I thought maybe it was anxiety or asthma (never suffered from that before) but i'm starting to wonder if it isn't an allergic reaction to the whey powder I bought.  I LOVE the banana, but i realized tonight that all this started about the same time I bought that flavor.  It may or may not be affecting me, but my breathing is weak which has made it difficult to exercise.  Between the breathing and the heat, i'm just not doing it.  I lay in bed mostly....I know, NOT moving in the right direction, but I have been watching my foods and I am still down 8 lbs from my first weigh in with Roller.

Next Tuesday is the next support group meeting.  I'm pretty excited.  I always learn so much, so maybe i'll learn something new I can share!  I met two great ladies last time and maybe I'll get to meet some folks this time, too.  It's always good to have a support system....especially if they  really understand where you've been, your previous struggles and your hopes for the future.

I hope I can support others in my future the way my support system has supported me.  it's love and maybe, just maybe, I'm worthy of it...I'm really starting to believe I am.  even if it is just a little bit.

Love to all! x

Okay! I'm keeping you posted....I spoke with the WONDERFUL front desk person (Natalie) at Dr. Roller's office yesterday.  Not only is she cute as a button, but she's been where I am (and many of you are, or have been) before.  She said that my paperwork was sent to the insurance company last week for approval.  So! I called BCBS AR today and...naturally, was told they didn't have it.  Well I e-mailed the office and received a response from Beth, equally as helpful as Natalie, who stated she sent it on Thursday at 3:32 PM and that she spoke with Carol, the RN who reviews all bariatric cases (I also know she does TMJ and Orthognathic cases, too) HAS MY PAPERWORK!!  It's in review!

Well, I spoke with my coworker, Sonia, who knows all the ins and outs of insurance and has worked with Carol before.  Sonia said give Carol 10 days before i hear anything back.  If she's the only reviewer, I understand why it would take that long. But really, what's 2 weeks?! 

My goal:  surgery last week of the month, recover the week of 4th of July.  This works out for many people, not just me, but i'm not sure what the doctor's schedule looks like. 

So! that's where we stand!  I'll call BCBS Thursday to see if the system reflects anything RE: my prior authorization.  I'm not holding my breath, but i DO have confirmation that it IS in review. 

Here we GOOOOOO!!!  (wow, i felt like mario just then!) 

Love to all!

Okay, so we all know that I've not had surgery yet.  In fact, I've yet to hear from the doctor that they've turned in all my paperwork.  Mind, i'll be calling tomorrow just to check.

So, Since it's sunday, i thought i'd go to the store.  I've been trying to buy 'soft food' items for after my 2 week post op check.  everything I tried to buy, though, seemed to be carb based.  I want to do as much as I can by sticking to protein as I know that will benefit my body the most, but it's hard finding things that A) aren't smoothies/protein shakes as I have plenty of those, B) aren't meat products b/c I know I can't have those the first three months, and C) well, i forgot C, but I'm wondering if maybe you could help?? 

I need to start looking at the blogs, seeing if there are books, recipes, etc. that I can purchase beforehand to prepare me....to give me ideas.  I LOVE my protein shakes, don't get me wrong....i've had one a day for months, years even, (yes, even before I decided on RNY) and i've not tired of them yet. 

So, i guess i'm going to hop on Amazon and start seeing what I can find.  Working on the 30 minutes after a meal without a drink.  Whew! it's a tough one!

Oh, just finished Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.  It was pretty good!  Bought The Art of Fielding earlier in the week, but am looking forward to Dragonfly in Amber, the next in the Outlander series. 

Yes, i desperately need a life.  Anyone care to help me with that? 

love to all!

239.2 - focused past couple of days to lose what I'd gained from earlier this week with my culinary frivolities!

So, i still haven't heard from the doctor's office yet stating they've sent off my stuff to the ins company.  I figure i'll give them until next week and see if there is anything else they require.  i mentioned earlier that I deal with insurance companies ALL DAY LONG (yes, even Medicare and Medicaid and YES i'm still sane!....ish) so I'm NOT afraid to call an insurance company and be all up in their business about getting this approved.  I work literally three buildings down from the BCBS office in my town.  You think I won't go knock on their door??  This is going to change. my. life.

So i've got this friend (male) who i originally wasn't going to tell about my surgery, but then I've always been completely honest with him (with the exception of my feelings...) so i figure, why not??  So I tell him a couple months back.  his response: you're going to look terrible naked.

and then he proceeds to tell me that I need to create an online dating profile!  Excuse me...Hi, yeah, i feel like I look terrible with CLOTHES ON!  In the DARK!  with a BLIND PERSON!  Seriously.  Anyone else feel that way? 

I don't know.  We had a thing once, but he was very...inexperienced?  even though he's older than me.  I don't have that much experience, but compared to zero, i have a ton.

The thing is...he's a nice guy sometimes and he's very smart, but he's always putting his friends down.  I don't want to be part of that, as who knows what he says to his friends about me! 

So I've not created an online dating profile.  I'm not comfortable with myself enough to do that.  Sure, i'm a catch....like a whale!  (Wait, i'm probably not supposed to say stuff like that, huh??  i'm sure you've been there and understand where I'm coming from, though!) I just want to be happy....and right now, with my two dogs, my cat and myself, I'll curl up with a book and I'll read for hours and I'm just fine. 

The last books I read most recent to latest:

Outlander (just started this AM)
The Time Traveler's Wife (finished last night)
Fifty Shades Freed (finished Saturday)
War of the Worlds (finished Wednesday night last week)
Fifty Shades Darker 
The Invisible Wall
Fifty Shades of Grey
The Lucky Child
The Zookeeper's Wife
Three Feet from Gold

Okay, so clearly i have no social life...or perhaps I'm just a fast reader. 

What's next after Outlander?  I think either Emma or Anna Karenina.  I feel like I need a classic.  they make me feel smarter, you  know. 

Reading also takes me out of myself...i can be whoever I want, whenever I want as I read the stories of these strong characters, and I don't just mean women.  No I don't see myself as the main character, but i see myself alongside them...experiencing their experiences, living their lives, dreaming their dreams and realizing my own.

Did you read the Hunger Games?  I did.  all three three times!  plus I listened to them on audio.  Lame huh? 

So, it seems like my passion is reading right? NO!  it's NOT!  It's travel!  but who wants to pay for two airline seats?  Or have their knees, hips and back kill them their entire vacation because of a lengthy car ride?  I love..love...love...LOVE Europe.  iv'e been 3 times.  I want to go back SO SO badly and I will!  when I don't go over as a typical overweight Southerner.  So instead of doing what I LOOOOOVE to do...I've found something else that still takes me away from now....takes me away from me.

Will someone out there ever realize how great I am? 

Will *I* ever realize how great I am?  

maybe not today....but soon.  soon I'll realize my own potential. 

love to all and HAPPY HUMP DAY!