Sarah C.

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SOFT FOODS!  Ooh yeah

Anything I can cut with a plastic fork!  What am I eating?  Potato soup.  Thin, mostly liquid and I'm chewing the very small chunks of potatoes like a fiend!  One of the chunks isn't even the size of the surface of one of my molars, so you can imagine how hard it is to chew 25 times!! 

And I'm down 18 from pre-op according to their scales!  I stayed the same again today, but that's okay.  I feel okay about it.  Going to this post-op appointment really helped me understand some things.  I was able to talk to others who are the same length of time out as me, one who even had the same date and same hospital as me, so it was good to know that I'm "normal" in how things are happening. 

I did find out, though, that I am allergic to the sutures and that's why my belly itches so much.  Not a little, a LOT.  like...two benadryl plus benadryl cream as a topical, but it's because the sutures are dissolving UNDER the skin...I just have to deal with it.  I am SO GLAD I didn't do lapband now because I"m already allergic to neoprene which a lot of athletic braces are made of, plus shoe insoles, and other random things, so with my luck, the lap band would've been made of a material I'm allergic to!

The emotions!  While I didn't talk to the doctor about it (he seemed rather rushed...) I did talk to his nurse and she said it is completely normal because of the release of hormones, but if it concerns me, talk to my PCP or therapist about increasing my current meds temporarily.  I think I'll talk with my PCP tomorrow.  I don't want to get so down that I can't get back up.  I do think that foods will help, though.  Foods have always been my thing, so taking those away from me completely was tough, plus the surgery, plus everything else....I think it will help tremendously.  BUT i'm not going to assume that is the case.  I'm going to be proactive and talk with my doc. 

Fatigue...yep, talked about that one too!  They said (as "G" said in a previous comment!) that it can take about a month to get back to where I feel "normal."  So i'm just going to keep on trucking and if I have to go to bed early, I'll go to bed early...like tonight....

Hmm.  What else??  Wait...Did i blog yesterday about my new cookbooks AND PB2??  if I did and this is a repeat, SORRY!!  If not, holy COW i'm so excited!!  I'll be up to 4 Bariatric Specific cookbooks and my coworkers are talking about doing recipes from them for our next potluck!!  how sweet is that!??  They think that my having the surgery will help them focus, too.  I hope so!  It will be a good thing going into the holiday months.

Now...The exercise.  He wants me up and sweating!  Well, with my fatigue the way it is, it's hard to be UP let alone sweating!  I'm debating on rejoining the gym, but we didn't exactly part on good terms this last time.  besides, that's money I may not want to spend...perhaps I want to spend it on clothes or other supplements OR put it towards a tummy tuck later in life!  Lets see ...$40/month x 24 months = $960 which is a fifth of what the TT would cost me! 

Anyway.  I did sign back up for NetFlix and I know they have lots of exercise videos there I can watch/do while running Netflix from my Wii.  That's probably what I'll do for a little while.  We'll see.  :)  

Also, my grandmother, who I didn't mention publicly, has been transferred to a local rehab facility after having full hip replacement.  She had fallen and my dad found her outside in the flowerbed.  She's lucky he went to her house that day....he usually doesn't on Tuesdays. Divine intervention that was! So she's being taken care of by professionals now and at 88, she had a long run of it.  Now she gets to boss people around again 24 hours a day!  She is EATING again!  I'd like to see them put about 20 lbs on her frame.  She's definitely underweight, even for an elderly person, but depression and dementia don't mix well.  She would either forget to eat or not eat because she didn't feel like it.  It's a good thing, but...it'd be a good thing regardless.  If she passes, it's a good thing too.  She'll be back with my grandfather who passed earlier this year after breaking his hip as well!  I know that a broken hip in an elderly person is typically a death sentence.  I know that and losing my grandfather that way earlier this year just brought that reality all the more home. 

Anyway, wow ramble ramble.  I'm going to get on the treadmill now.  Just met my new neighbors...well they've been my neighbors since june.  yeah, i'm a bad neighbor.  I was robbed and don't trust anyone.  but they were nice.  SO!  enough of that.  I'm outta here!!  :D :D 

love to all!

Sarah
x

Two weeks have passed and 11.5 lbs are gone.  I just ran my inches, too, but didn't calculate a total, but most everything went down. 

I have been back to work now for two days and only had to leave an hour early yesterday.  My support system has been fantastic.  Now while I was gone, one of my coworkers was let go, but I consider it a good thing.  Everyone has been very watchful of me.  They don't eat in front of me since I'm on liquids only, which is nice.  One lady has asked me to walk during the day, so today I wore my walking shoes.  The thing is, though, I walk SLOW, especially now.  I don't walk as quickly as everyone else does, so it may not be best for me to walk with them, but the thought was nice, if nothing else.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me, and even today I'm feeling quite low.  I think part of it is because for the past 5 days I've stayed the same.  I should be absolutely thrilled with my loss of 11.5 lbs in a two week span, but honestly, I am disappointed that I've stayed the same for 5 days. 

The logician in me says "hey, your body just went through a major change.  You've been on the same low calorie diet for two weeks and your body has adjusted to the reduced amount.  It's holding on to what you've got right now and once you start putting real food back into your system, albeit in small amounts, the weight will start dropping off again." 

I know this is likely true.  But it's hard to really accept.

I'm tired.  I'm very tired.  I guess I was tired before, but I'm having trouble concentrating and staying on task.  I think part of it is because I was so out of my work routine for two weeks.

How sad is it that I can't even blog well?  That's how out of it I am.  I have a phone conference today at 3:30 and I really just want to call and reschedule it since they probably haven't done anything in the past three weeks to accomplish the tasks they've been given anyway.  Then I could go home and sleep.

I also think part of my fatigue is depression.  I'm trying to decide if I should have my doctor increase my meds temporarily or if I should just try to fight through.  the thing is, though, I don't want to have to fight through, I want to be off of the meds as much as possible, but right now I just don't see the point.  All I want to do is sleep...I don't want to be at work, I don't want to watch TV, eat/drink, walk, etc.  Heck, I don't even want to READ and for me...that's really saying something. 

What do you think?  Should I just bite the bullet, have the doc increase my antidepressants and get through this initial phase of depression or should I give it a little longer?  I mean, I don't want to think that I need to stay on the increased dosage, but once I'm on the increased dosage, I won't know when I need to come back down to a lower dose. 

I just hate feeling like this...I hate this "what's the point" feeling.  but...it is what it is. 

I know the point will become clearer to me over time.  But right now...the fog of depression is so dense I can't see the point in anything. 

oh well. maybe tomorrow will be better since I have my 2 week post op appointment.  sorry for being a downer.

Okay, i know blogs are supposed to be "short" so...well, yeah, i'm throwing that out the window, like always! 

So, last wednesday I had my surgery.  Roux En Y by Dr. Joshua Roller.  I was as prepared as I thought I could be, but as I'm sure those of you who have been in my surgical slippers understand, there are some things that sneak up on you. 

it wasn't until I was in pre-op, in my pretty gown, tubes coming out of me like crazy, talking with my Mom that i realized just how scared I was.  Sure, I had some freakout moments Tuesday night, but wednesday was the first time I actually verbalized the "fear" I had that I was maybe making the wrong decision.  My mom assured me that it was absolutely the right decision and that I had done my due diligence and researched and prepared as much as I could. 

To this moment, I'm still not 100% sure, but there's nothing I can do about it now.  I know that hindsight is 20/20 so in 6 or 9 months I can look back at this blog and say "What the heck were you thinking?  OF COURSE it was the right decision!" but right now...there are still a lot of unknowns.

I've not had an emotional breakdown like I thought I would, but I guess part of it has been because I've been bloody busy.  well, sort of.

Oh, wait...yes, I have had a small one.  Thursday morning in the hospital, Vilas, one of the nurses (who was FANTASTIC! as were ALL of my nurses and techs) came in and told me I was behind on my drinking that morning.  She said the other folks who'd had surgery the day before were already on their third round where as I'd just started my second.  i was horrified.  I was already failing at this process.  FAILING!  one day in and I'm already behind?  I couldn't believe it, but....here i was....behind everyone else. So I cried. 

But my surgery was a success!  First, between pre-op and surgery day, i lost 9 lbs.  not too shabby, eh? I was pretty impressed.  And doc said that I had zero complications, that typically SOMETHING unexpected happens, but i was a 97% out of 100 for perfection!  Maybe I should have remembered THAT before I start crying about my drinking failure.

I have 6 incisions, small, about 1 1/4 inch is the longest, but most are about half an inch long.  I did have a scare with high blood pressure.  you know, i was on meds until about two months ago when they were causing breathing problems, so my GP took me off of them.  Then..when I was recovering, my BP just kept CLIMBING!  At one point it was 161 over 111.  WHAT?! that's INSANE high!  Pre surgery, i was running 118/73.  So my surgeon put me back on lisinopril for two weeks.  Speaking of...I need to take my BP.  *pause*

Okay, 147/83, not bad.  :) 

So anyway, then i get released and I go home and what happens?  I think I have to have a BM.  okay, so I go to the bathroom and it's all blood.  Not a little bit.  A LOT.  And it scared the shit out of me!  Seriously! I apologize for the explitive, but it's true!  I had been prepared for the possibility of "streaks of blood" in the feces, but really....it was pure blood.  I called my Mom into the bathroom and said I'm sorry, this is gross, but look.  and I showed her...and she was scared, too.  And so was my dad, and my brother and his fiance!  It was NOT a good experience.  I warn you ALL about it now.  I've got a couple of friends who i've met at the support group meetings that I've talked with regularly and they had no idea either!  but the doctor said it was normal.  if it's NORMAL WARN PEOPLE! 

So, my plan had been to stay at my own home post-surgery was shot to hell.  And guess what!  my parents house was NOT bariatric post-op ready.  For me to spend the first two days post-surgery in a home full of food....yeah, that was TOUGH!  So when I was able to return to MY house, it was easier.  The scents were only those from the dogs and my scentsy.  I was able to mix my banana shake with milk instead of water.  I had my chicken and beef broth at the ready, teas in abundance, not to mention ELEVEN different flavors of Crystal Light.  SF jell-o, SF popsicles, and 5 cases of bottled water. 

I think....I'll split this blog into two b/c there is SO much more going on that i'm mentally tired from even typing what i've typed! 

So, after a week long hiatus, i have returned...with a vengance it seems!  I'm down 8 in a week.  Today was the first day I stayed the same, but it is to be expected.  I have a long WEIGH to go, but am up for the challenge.

In the next chapter:  The Pain, The CT, and My Grandmother's broken hip.  Not to mention MAD PROPS to my family for EVERYTHING they have done for me.  Seriously. MAD MAD props to them.  I'm so blessed to have them as my own.  I thank God to be a part of their family. 

To Be Continued.....

I've just recently celebrated my 6th anniversary with my employer.  I've survived many a trial and tribulation while being in their employ.  There are only 3 employees who have been there longer than I have out of 15. 

Well, yesterday was my last day of work prior to my surgery.  I know that I have some amazingly supportive coworkers, but I was still shocked yesterday. 

Thursday afternoon, one of the ladies let slip that we were having a pot luck on Friday.  When I said I'd known nothing about it, she said oh...well it's because it's in your honor.  (forehead slap! yes, let's have a POT LUCK for someone who is 5 days away from BARIATRIC SURGERY!) It just goes to show how deeply engrained food is in our lives.  Have an event?  There will be food.  Birthday, wedding, funeral, new home, new baby, adoption, anniversary, new job, leaving old job, tailgating, guests over just for dinner, oh and let's not forget HOLIDAYS!  No matter where you're from, what your religion, your history, your ethnicity, your political stance....We celebrate life's milestones (small or large) with food.  and people wonder why we're going through the epidemic of obesity. 

Anyway...They actually put a LOT of thought into it.  They found out what I could and couldn't eat, and made appropriate changes.  soup and salad, so it was fairly simple, but they waited until after I left to have dessert.  I told them that I didn't mind, and surprisingly, I REALLY DIDN'T!  Oh, and then our office won doughnuts from another company, and while I DID have a bite, it was JUST a bite.  Literally, not even a normal bite for me...it was maybe an inch section, glazed only, no extras.  And before we ate, they gave me a bit of warning so I could eat a yogurt for extra protein before I ate the other stuff. 

but that's not all. 

I don't remember if I mentioned previously how my coworkers bought me the strawberry bouquet when I found out my wait for surgery was shorter?  Well, they did.  It was an amazing surprise! 

but they did it again.

yesterday morning, they dragged me into the center area and had me sit down.  then the gifts came.  They pitched in and got me two sets of sleepy clothes and an oversized T-Shirt for lounging, a robe, some slippers, a coloring book (puppies no less!) two tubes of chapstick, a tube of vaseline lip care, and some lotion!  I couldn't believe it!! 

It was all I could do not to cry. 

I read on these boards about others who have no support and I WISH i could SHARE!  not only is my FAMILY amazingly supportive, but my friends and even my coworkers....they are going to help me GUARANTEE success. 

I think I mentioned before that I was nervous about my dad not coming to the hospital to see me?  Well, I found out on Thursday night not only will he be off the day of my surgery, but also the next four days to help take care of me and things around the house, including my dogs! 

My long time best friend (pictured in one of my photos) is going to spend much of the day at the hospital, as well.  She'll be there for me, but also for my mom.  My brother's fiance has also taken off that day to spend with me.  I don't know about my brother, though.  His job is screwy.  He'll come to visit, if nothing else. 

Truth be told, I hope my new exercise regimen will help him get back in shape.  Hopefully he'll help me which will help him.  As I lose weight, if I can start to run, do sit ups, pushups, planks, yoga, pilates, weights, whatever, then I want him to be there with me. 

anyway, though rambling.  So close.  can't wait.  new life.  what a feeling.  oh!  and I lost the weight I'd gained from my food funeral.  that's got to be good, right?? :D :D 

3 days, 12 hours, 7 minutes before I have to be at the hospital.  now 6 minutes.  haha
Whoop Whoop!! 

PS:  WPS GO HOGS!  I

By this time next week, I'll probably be up walking for the first time post-surgery.  My surgery is the 5th and I have to be at the hospital by 5:30 AM.  not terrible...I'll just get to sleep most of the rest of the day, save walking time and FOOTBALL! *cue clip from Major League where the coach is in the hospital listening to the game on his personal radio and his team makes a great play, so he's jumping up and down on the bed and the nurse walks in and he screams I LOVE THIS BRITISH SH*T* 

aye, good times. 

now a few concerns.  I'm going to be very sad if my Dad doesn't come visit while I'm in the hospital.  He HATES hospitals, but he ESPECIALLY hates it when his children are in it.  Now granted, mine is for a surgery we've planned for, and he MAY come visit, but I won't lie...I will be devastated if he doesn't at least come say hello.  The hospital where I'm having my surgery has one wing of the 5th floor dedicated to bariatric patients...the other wing...BABIES!  I mean, C'mon...surely THAT will tempt him!  I understand the hate of hospitals because people go there to die or are extremely injured but....the baby floor?  Now that's a place of happiness! 

As I think I've said before, I'm definitely worried about work.  Two different worries.  1) things will fall apart while I'm gone but 2) they'll realize how little they need me and they'll get rid of me.  Everyone I've mentioned the second thought to says that's not possible, that I'm a crucial member of this team and that it will be a struggle while I'm gone. 

I have been on my pre-op diet for a week now, but I'm probably eating more than I should.  I'm not eating things they said I couldnt' have, I've only eaten things they said I COULD have, but I still feel like maybe I'm doing things wrong.

I was 245 last Thursday according to their scales.  According to mine that day I was at 243.8.  According to mine this morning I am 239.8.  Going the right direction, if nothing else. 

On one of the message boards, someone asked how we're each preparing for our upcoming surgery and I had a list of things, but other people did too.  When I was at my preop appointment, there was one person who'd only been to ONE other appointment prior to her pre-op and her surgery was yesterday!  I was floored!  So while I've been worried there was more preparation I could be doing, I have discovered that sure, there are more things I COULD learn, but I've done a VAST amount of research, learning, reading, talking to others who've had it, planning, prepping, and soul searching. I'm ready.  I'm nervous, don't get me wrong, but I'm ready. 

My doctor and his staff have done a great job preparing me for this procedure, but I've done a great job preparing MYSELF.  Sure, there are things I don't know, but I'm not going in blind.  I've got an idea of what's on the other side, and I know it's only good things I will find there.

I'd love to say that in one week I'm going to change my life, but the second I made this decision....fully made it....I changed my life.  I started moving in a direction that will bring me joy, health, love of MYSELF, and the ability to shed this shell that I've been hiding in for so long.

I'm an amazing person.  People have told me that my entire life....I've always doubted it.  but something inside me has changed and I'm starting to learn that others...they're right.  I'm AWESOME and TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Love to all! 
x
Sarah

Last night i went to get my hair highlighted and as I sat in front of that mirror for those long hours while the stylist foiled my hair, I couldn't help but see just how fat I really am.  Because I don't look at myself every day (i try to avoid mirrors at all costs) I was horrified to see myself in full view.  I couldn't get over my calves and ankles, nor could I get past the flab that gushed out of the sides of the chair, nor the gut that for so long has made a great arm rest.  I won't even talk about the disgusting double chin. 

If I had any doubts before about having this surgery, I have none now.  Tomorrow is my pre-op and although I am nervous and I've put on a couple of pounds since my weigh in, i'm focused today.  I have a plan.  Hopefully I can drop those two pounds (major salt increase in my food consumption the past few days and can feel how swollen I am)  before my weigh in tomorrow. 

I'm angry with myself b/c I gained nearly 6 lbs in as many days.  Again, i'm sure that much of it is water, and I'm also sure that I'll drop those 6 and more in my next two weeks on the preop diet, but gosh, i'ts frustrating.  I've done SO well to this point and now I do this?? 

But...again, it's only temporary and this time, instead of being mad about it and eating everything in sight, I have a plan.  i had a protein shake (chocolate banana!) this morning and have a yogurt for morning and afternoon snack, plus a protein shake for lunch and lots of water.  haven't decided on dinner yet.  I have lean cuisines, and I have...well, soup and stuff, but I don't want something with too much salt.  We'll just have to see what I decide.

Man, two weeks from today my life is going to change.  Although I've never been married and I don't have kids, this is the single biggest event I've experienced in my life.  This surgery is going to open the door to me being married and having kids.  What an amazing opportunity i'm giving myself.  For once, I really AM putting myself first. 

I'm ready.  So ready.

So, I was commenting on someone's forum post and I was telling the lady how impressed I was that she'd made it to a size 8.  My goal isn't size 8, my first size goal is a 12.  Why 12 you ask? Because I don't remember ever being a size 12.  The smallest size clothing I remember buying was a 13.  They don't make 13s for adults, only misses. 

And then I remembered when I bought the size 13 shorts.  I was with my grandmother at the Colony Shop (ironically enough, my current employer, an oral surgeon has purchased that building and is renovating it for a surgery center.) and I remember finding these shorts and asking her to buy them for me.  They were a light colored tie-dye pair of jean shorts. 

My grandmother passed away the month I turned 9. 

Part of me had been criticizing myself saying I should be able to do this on my own, i should have more self discipline, etc.  but here I am ... 22 years later, truly a LIFETIME, and I remember buying a size 13 pair of shorts.  and THAT is the smallest pair of shorts I ever remember purchasing.  I have no memory of single digit clothing, unless you count the 1-4 sizes at Lane Bryant. 

So...Suddenly I realize that I'm not failing, I'm making progress.  I'm making a decision that is going to buy me back my LIFE.  Or....revealing the life I never had, opportunties I never took, dreams I never allowed myself the chance to dream.

And as I sit here, I think maybe, just maybe, I still have those shorts.  I never wanted to get rid of them because they reminded me of my grandmother.  Next time i go visit my parents (all the way across town! haha) i'll see if I still have them. 

now, I do have a size 14 skirt that I remember wearing, but it was just a tad snug and that was at 200 lbs.  I have another one that I look forward to wearing that I bought two years ago that still have the tags on them. 

I don't wear skirts or dresses. A) I'm short so they always hit me poorly B) they make me look like a girl and when I look like a girl people pay attention to me and I want to hide in the shadows so people DON'T see me and C) I don't have the confidence to wear a dress....at least not often. 

I think I'll see if I have some other pictures to post of me over the years.  You'll see how crazy I am. :)  Hey...I like to have a good time, ok??  

Did i mention my pre-op is Thursday?  holy friggin cow.  Day after tomorrow.  WHOA.  I'm not sure if I'm excited, nervous, or both.

I sincerely hope not.  But I'm frightened that that's what I'm doing.  Today, i went to the grocery store because I had a "sweet tooth" and I ended up spending nearly $50 on JUNK!  okay, not junk, I did get milk, two newspapers and two 4-packs of Muscle Milk, so I spent HALF of my $50 on junk . Oh, what do I mean by junk, you ask?? they say honesty is the best policy so here goes...

Totinos frozen pizza - 1/4 left staring at me on the plate begging me to eat it
Reese's Pieces - NOT the individual size bag
Oreos - a whole friggin package... Cool Mint, no less!
a single butterfinger
a Big Grab of Cheddar and Sour Cream ruffles
a Big Grab of Sour Cream and Onion lays
a bag of Ritz toasted chips
and lastly....as I hang my head in shame because my mouth was watering the instant I saw them....

candy corn Pumpkins. 

I KNOW!

here's what I'm guessing....psychologically, i'm struggling b/c my pre op is Thursday.  THURSDAY mind.  My weight has been averaging about 238.6 or so, but yesterday I got on the scale and was at 242.6.  BLOODY HELL!  This is not good.  I can't believe it.  and yet what did I do today?? I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF SHIT! (excuse me, but it's true) and it wasn't until after I left the store that I felt awful about what I was doing. 

Do you think it's just a psychological "I have to stop this sort of behavior after Wednesday, so I'll eat whatever I want between now and then."??? 

has anyone else been through this?  

I guess I'll hit the forums and see what I can find there. 

i'm appalled at myself, truth be told, but scolding myself won't do me any good.  it'll just make me feel worse. 

**note** I DID put the pizza slice in foil and in the fridge.  Now...I suppose i'd best go work on my spare bedroom and work off some of these calories. 

*sigh* terrible. 

Seriously.  Pre-op, Post-op...doesn't matter.  The fact that you're here making a positive change in your life brings tears to my eyes!  I flip through several of the "Before and After Photos" every time I'm on this site and I think to myself....MAN!  The STRENGTH it took for that person to do this.  And the support they must have. 

And then it dawns on me. 

In a few short weeks....I'll be one of those people.  I AM one of those people! 

Sure, I don't have an "after" photo yet, but I'm here. 

So, thank you, for inspiring me.  for helping me maintain the HOPE that i've long felt was lost.  Thank you.

Oh yeah, I about got into a big ol' nasty throwdown at work today.  Last Friday, they rearranged upper management with my company.  Not a big deal, I know everyone and am used to the ever changing ebb and flow of this office.

until today.

I'm sitting in a scheduled 1-hour meeting (turned into 3) and was talking to the new head honcho.  He was giving me all these deadlines for the next two weeks.  No problem, just do NOT give me ANYTHING else because my clients will suffer. When I asked him why he had to have everything done in two weeks, his response was that he was going on vacation the last week of the month.  I said, well I'll see you about december then!  and he goes "Why??" I said, well you're off the last week of August and I'm off the first two weeks  of September because of my surgery.

"Did I approve that?" was his response. 

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!? 

He saw the shock on my face and I KNOW the steam was about to start coming out of my ears.  He said "Why do you need two weeks off?"  Um dude you've been working here since January.  We talk several times a DAY.  EVERYONE knows i'm having Surgery 9/5/12.  I specifically planned it when the conference was being held because I won't be as needed!  Many of our providers will be out of town and it will give me ample time to recouperate.  Besides, I have notified EVERYONE of my plans since the MOMENT I made them! 

Oh. My. GOSH!  I was FUMING!!  Even as I sit here, I can feel the fury being taken out on my poor defenseless keyboard. 

I've been counting down the days since June.  It's even on my calendar at work, not to mention my google chat status that we use to communicate with every day. 

MY OTHER boss (now moving to a different location, different position and will be SORELY missed!!) has been keeping up JUST FINE!  He remembers everything that has happened every step of the way. 

So, needless to say, the new person in charge is NOT on my happy list right now. 

Oh, don't fret.  I'm taking my two weeks.  Three if I have to.  I have the vacay time so I'm NOT concerned about that.  For once in my life I am putting ME first and I am NOT about to let a forgetful man make me change my plans.  No way.  No how!

He apologized for forgetting.  I guess I reminded him of his wife.  :)