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 I'm really excited about it. :) Tomorrow I have my first date...EVER. I genuinely cannot remember ever having a real date before. I'm a little shocked and nervous, honestly. I'm really happy that's it's before I have my surgery and lose a ton of weight though. I've known him for awhile and he's always been really sweet. It says alot that he's actually willing to take me out on a real date even though I'm almost 260 lbs. Maybe not every guy is an ass. :p
I'm still feeling so insecure though. I wish I looked better, not to impress him per se, but for my own self- esteem. Plus I feel like I'm just an awkward turtle. He is too though, so that makes it a little better! haha. 

I don't even think anyone reads this, but I like to keep track of all the stuff that's happening for my own record! 

I'm really nervous and just praying everything goes amazing and comfortable. *knock on wood* 

I saw my nutritionist for the last time Monday! So my 6 month supervised diet is COMPLETE! I'm so darn excited. Now it feels like things are really getting real. Now all that's left is finishing up with my eating psychologist. Dr. Bakke has been so great. She thinks that we should be all finished out by end of June. So only 3 more appointments! :D I can't wait until everything is submitted so I can finally get going with approval and getting a surgery date! 
I'm still hesitant to tell anyone about it. The only people who know I'm trying to get surgery is my Mom and my friends Amber and Saundra. They've both been super supportive, so that's a relief. I'm kinda scared to tell my best friend cause I'm not exactly sure what she'll say. I do think she'll be supportive though, because I've hinted around the subject of losing weight and all that and she's always been behind me about it. 
AND another thing I'm nervous about it is having a surgery date that interferes with school. Mind you, I definitely won't be complaining, but my hope is that I can get my surgery either sometime in July or at least begining to middle of August. 

I'm just feeling all sorts of things. I'm hopeful, nervous, and most of all EXCITED! :) 

 I feel so out of control. Since I started my supervised diet 4 months ago I've gained 15 lbs. I'm so disgusted with myself. I know I'm doing the exact opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing--gaining instead of losing. :( I feel like crying. I'm gonna join a gym in May once school is out and do my best to work out at least 3-4 times a week. I NEED to get back on track and actually start LOSING. I want my dietician to know that I'm serious about working toward getting ready for surgery..and at this point I don't think that I am. I'm not eating healthy at all. I dk what the hell is wrong with me. It's like the bigger I get, the worse I eat. :( I feel like I'm giving up. It does depress me to be this big. It's the biggest I've ever been in my life. (This morning the scale said 264.) I'm just disgusted with myself. I've decided to stop drinking since I KNOW that's a huge thing that's been making me gain weight as well as the food choices. I don't doubt that it'll be hard, but it's something that I know I need to do. Not just cause of the surgery stuff, but just for me. I'm sick of it. I know I can have fun without having to be drunk. 
I'm just so depressed. It feels like a cycle. I get bigger..I eat more...I eat more...I get bigger. I'm done with leaning on food for comfort. God, please give me strength to get back on track and start eating healthier. :( 

 Next Friday will be my fourth meeting with the nutritionist. I'm so excited that things seem to be going by quickly. I had my first psych. evaul on the 21st of the March, and I think it went pretty well. He gave me a food journal, so I've been recording everything I eat. It's time consumming, but I like it. It keeps me accountable and more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth, as opposed to just mindlessly eating. I'm not worried too much about passing the psych evaul and all that stuff, I'm moreso worried about insurance accepting me and all that  :( 
I'm trying to stay positive though. I'm hoping that they don't look at my weight history and think that just because I wasn't at a 40 bmi CONSISTANTLY for 2 yrs (or whatever the requirement is) that I "don't qualify". That would be some epic bullshit. My BMI right now is 43.7. When I weighed myself yesterday I was 255 :/ 

I'm hopefully gonna join a gym once school is done and I actually have more time. I wanna lose at least 20ish lbs before I have sugery. That way, once I get the surgery it'll help me be able to get closer to my goal weight. What's the average amount of weight lost for VSG patients? I've been searching and looking around alot and it seems to be really varied. Some people seem to lose 140lbs while other only lose around 60 or so. Hmmm. Hopefully I'll be one of the 100+ lbs people. lol 

 Time cannot go by fast enough. I have four more meetings with my nutritionist and then have to wait for insurance and all that shit. I just want to be done with all this and to have my surgery. I'm so sick of being fucking fat. This weekend/week has been fucking hard. I feel like I did back when I was in high school. Absolutely disgusting and fatter than ever. I'm sick of the snide fucking comments and "jokes". I seriously just fucking wanna scream. I hate people so fucking much. Sometimes I just wish I could die and just get the fuck away from all the bullshit. But then I think about it and it's like NO. Why should I regret my life and my future because people are immature fucking bitches. I fucking HATE people so much. People fucking wonder why I act so cynical and shit sometimes? Because people are fucking SHIT the majority of the time. I can't fucking wait until they all have to fucking eat their words. Jesus please please please help me to stay strong and to let everything go through. I want this more than anything. I need this more than anything. 

 So I decided to do all my measurements since there's that handy "Heath tracker" tool on here. My stats are seriously depressing. I can't believe I let myself get this big again. I feel like crying, but I'm sick of crying over this. Lord knows I've done more than enough of that in the past two years. There's no one to blame but me. :( I got lazy and stopped caring. The higher my weight went, the more I gave up. Ugh. But anyways, I can't WAIT until I can look at these and say wow, I've gotten so much smaller since then. I pray to God that by this time next year I can look back on this and see a huge difference. 

Weight (@ 8:30pm) 242.8 lbs
Body Fat %: 42.1%
Waist: 41 in.
Chest: 42 in. 
Hips: 50.5 in. 
Upper arms: (L)16 in (R) 15 in
Thighs: (L) 29.5 in. (R) 29 in.

 Went to a informational meeting Thursday. It was good to actually hear more about the different procedures and get to meet one of the doctors. I'm pretty sure I want VSG surgery. I was set on the Lapband, but once I looked more into it and read more on the forums about it, I decided it wasn't for me. My mom and I schudeuled my first appointment with the dietician for Jan. 6th!  I'm so exicted for this journey to start. I feel like my attitude towards it has drastically changed since 4 years ago when I was trying to get it. I feel like now I know it's not a "cure all" but a tool that will HELP me become who I wanna be. I'm not under the impression that everything will be perfect once I lose weight. I do know that things will be better though. I remember what it was like when I lost 56 lbs two years ago. It was just a whole new world for me. I want that again. I wanna be able to shop anywhere. I wanna be able to run and not feel like I'm gonna pass out. I wanna be able to climb a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. I just wanna be the best ME that I can possibly be. 2012 is gonna be that year