2 years out - reflections on my Anniversary

Dec 10, 2010

Decided to post something.  Still glad I did the RNY in December, 2008.  Upon reflection, not sure my surgeon(s) were the best - still resentful that I suffered a leak post-surgery. It was so debilitating.  As for weight loss, I am down to 167 which is not as good as the 140 range I was hoping for, but is still, of course, better than where I started out.  I have been down as low as 152, but this is where I have been for awhile.  Most of my wardrobe is size 14 - I have a couple of 12's too.  There was a time I got down to size 10, but that was fleeting.  But it was a size 10 with hard work - diet  + exercise and I am maintaining 167 with minimal exercise quite honestly - 1 workout/week with a personal trainer.  As for diet - I try to watch both portions and excess junk but am often/usually lazy. Like anything else with life, you get out what you put in, and I know I can be thinner if I put in the work and discipline.  For whatever reason, right now, I don't want to do that because I haven't been, and 15 pounds came back.  I have vowed not to go above size 14 and will do whatever I need to do to stay at a 14.   Times are tight financially right now for everyone, but if I did have a few extra bucks, I would most certainly do a 2nd session with the personal trainer because that is the only form of exercise I love.  I am my own favorite Barbie doll and buy myself clothes all the time, probably much to my husband's chagrin. 

I am happier with myself and my life since the surgery and again, am very glad I did it. I'm sorry I didn't do it earlier than 2008, but it took 10 years to get miserable enough to do it.  The other day, I said to my husband (as I reviewed some truly awful fat photos from early 2008, pre-surgery) "I'm sorry you were married to such an ugly fat beast". Of course he said "You were not an ugly fat beast" automatically. But photos don't lie - I looked awful.  I wonder now if my sex life would have been better back then, when I looked attractive and of course, felt attractive and desirable as well.  Since life goes on, I try not to dwell on what might have been, since it gets too depressing to do so.  I might have had another child had I not been so heavy those 10 years. Now it is too late. 

Of course my health, pre-surgery, was suffering too, but vanity is a great motivator and I look so much better now.  I am happy to take photos now and get out from behind the camera more post-surgery.

As for my health, I am still on high blood pressure medication.  I still take a sleeping pill at night. That has not changed. My BP is fine with medication.  I am entering peri-menopause, but, at 48 1/2, don't know if that has anything to do with my RNY.  I suffer from terrible gas, which is embarrassing, and I deal with funky bowel movements regularly.

What's next for me?  Perhaps post New Year's 2011 I'll make more of an effort to drop the 15 lbs.  If I could go down a full 20 lbs, I would be down to a size 8 and 147 lbs - how cool would that be?

My daughter will be Bat Mitzvahed next October, 2011 - I might just try to fit into a "better" dress, but if I don't, I will not beat myself up about it.  I will buy a perfectly lovely size 14 dress, do my hair and makeup and celebrate the joy of reaching such a wonderful milestone in my child's life.  I don't hate myself at size 14 and that is the most important thing to me.
 
Will I love myself more at 157lbs? 147 lbs?  Jeez, I don't want to become obsessive about this while, at the same time, don't want to excuse away the 15 lbs that came back.  I have been "bad", it happened, and the 15 lbs won't go away unless I do something about it.  It amazes me when I read about those who have lost over 100 lbs - I only lost 45 and it  changed my life.  I am truly in awe of those 100 lbs-lost ladies.  And I am really only 20 lbs away from a bikini body - very doable if I am so inclined.  I have the tool if I wanted to do it.

But the point is - 45 little lbs is the difference between me hating myself and accepting myself - crazy, no?   I needed surgery and re-arranging my insides permanently for 45lbs.  But I could not have done it without surgery, sad to say. 

To anyone reading this, I wish you well and continued success. I know you are all rooting for me, as I root for you.

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