skylark2011
red plus sign is create blog!
Jun 14, 2018
It has been over 7 years since my VSG!! SEVEN. My God that is a long time. I havent blogged since I started home shopping about a year ago. There is no denying that it has been a terribly stressful year. Terribly stressful. With the after discovered defects in the home, mom life, returning to school, the stresses of dealing with my ex husband, work related stress, and my normal seasonal disorder - I am amazed I have made it through at all. I am not saying that I would have taken my life or anything of the sort, but I truly dont know how I continued to put one foot in front of the other considering all of the stressors, and the density of the fog. It has been a year of struggle and depression. My body image has been poor, I have been beaten down in my mind, and felt it in my spirit. Today is literally the FIRST day I have felt like my normal optimistic self. Sure, I have walked the walk and talked the talk, and there have been moments where the fog lifted, but they have all been very short lived this past year. And I could not put my finger on it, though I kept trying to put a finger on it - what is the matter? I kept ticking off everything that I'd accomplished, and how well life was going for me and my children, and still, there was no answer, no change. Praying didnt help, excercise helped but only temporarily, church and support groups also gave a short-lived boost. The last time that I felt this heavy of a fog was during the last half of my marriage. I could cry tears of joy.
I hugged myself this morning, and stood naked in front of the mirror, saggy skin and all, marvelling at how far I've come, and feeling more awake than I have in a very long time.
Today I weigh 206.0. My highest weight this year was 208.0. My boobs are tender right now, which usually means Aunt Flo is coming in for a landing. And it's all good. I will take it. I have kept up with excercising at least 3 days a week, adding more weights to my routine, and done other social and positive things - dating, support groups, supporting my kids in sports, going to concerts with friends. But this deep breathing as I am typing - this Relief and Gratitude I feel - this is new this year. and wonderful. Why today? What has changed? I have no clue right now. but I'm grateful and relieved.
